[joe2424]

Ok, I’m a newlywed of just over seven months. I met my wife at the local country bar 3 years ago, and I think I know her pretty well! My wife is 10 years younger than I am, (34-24) and she refuses to give up the bar scene. My problem is that I’m not sure I’m right in my thinking. I believe that a married couple should go to the bar together, and only on a special occasion should one of us be in a bar alone. Maybe I’m old fashioned, but let me explain my situation. I work in Law Enforcement on a 2pm-10pm swing shift so my days off vary from week to week. I have an hour commute one way, so I’m not getting home until around 11pm. My wife works day shift, and has the weekends off, so our QT time together is valuable. Now, I met my wife while attending line dance lessons at the local country bar. She was going out on the weekends when I met her, and she is still doing the same, but I already knew what I was getting into. I feel as that I’m being disrespected. I was hoping that age, and marriage might slow her down a little as my age, morals, and career choice limit my bar activities. I love to watch a live band play as much as anyone, but I realize that I have a commitment to my wife, so I will not set foot in a bar unless she is with me, or I’m having a beer after the softball game with the boys. I try to make date nights whenever possible, and I am always seeking alternatives to the bar for both her, and I when I do get a weekend off. Just because I married her, doesn’t mean we stopped dating! I am always trying to keep the spark there by doing little things, like dropping off a flower to her at work just because, or taking out the trash without being asked. (Yes, the trash was a previous fight, and I’ve since cleaned up my act!) I get nothing in return, but I don’t ask either. The alternatives to the bar are always welcomed if I’m off, but if I’m working, she’s out! I have absolutely no problem with a girls night out every once in a while. As a matter of fact, I welcome it. But, like last friday, a male co worker, who I’ve met several times, picked her up, and she walked in the door at 3 in the morning half drunk. This is a common practice. Every Friday and Saturday night when I get out of work, there is a text messege telling me that she is out with so and so, and will be home later. I am always welcomed to join, but usually after a day of work I’m ready for bed! I really screwed up in the beginning of our relationship when I knew she drove home intoxicated. I blew up! Now the good part is that no more drinking and driving, but the bad part is that I was labeled as “jealous” and she has never let that go. I am jealous to a point. My wife is a head turner, and everytime we do go out, there is always some dude ready to move in, and I’m the one that has to tell him to beat it. Now, if that’s going on while I’m there, what’s happening when I’m not? The wedding ring makes it worse! I have talked to her about this until I’m blue in the face, but I am always just being jealous, or controlling. We had a very deep talk about this bar issue, and what came out of it was that I’m not her dad, I will not control her, and she will do whatever she wants. I agree with her! She then compared me to her ex. I stated that I was beginning to like the fella. Oooops! My wife is an only child, and that may be part of it. Being told “no,” bothers her. She is not one to discuss her feelings for me ever. I asked her once why she loved me, and it was like pulling teeth. She says talking like that is uncomfortable for her. I am a romantic, and have no problem telling my wife why I love her, and I can go on for hours about this! My main concern about this bar situation is that I have seen a lot of bad things happen to good people, and alcohol is usually involved somewhere. We have purchased our dream home, but we have had to tighten our belts to do so. My fear is that she’ll have one too many, and drive home, or some drunk will hit her head on at 2 in the morning. A DUI would break us. Then there is the whole date rape thing, and you never know now a days. Also, my wife has been emailing ex boyfriends, and looking them up on her MySpace. The emails are all innocent enough, and she says she looks up the ex’s to see if she can determine if they are going out on the weekend, so she can avoid them. I believe her, but it just looks bad! Well, in conclusion, I know that drunk people do drunk things. I have made every effort that I know how to get her to limit her bar nights. She says,” that is where her friends go on the weekends, and what do I expect her to do, sit home all night?” She says she goes out to relax, and line dance. She has always had an issue with friends, and I think deep down she feels that she needs to do whatever they are doing so she can keep them as friends. She is not cheating, and I do not believe she ever would. She is always honest on who she is with, and where she is going. I just believe that if you hang out in a barbershop long enough, sooner or later you’re going to get a haircut. I don’t agree with the whole hanging out in bars with a male co worker, but he seems ok. I couldn’t imagine hanging out with another man’s wife at all, much less in a bar, but I guess that’s just me. My questions are: Am I just being stupid, and should I let nature take it’s course? Is the real reason she hangs out in the bars is to relax,( relaxing in a bar with 700 people looking to get laid, and loud music is hardly relaxing to me but…) or is there something deeper than that, such as needing attention from other people? My sister said, “you married a 24 year old, what did you expect?” My wife is the most wonderful person I’ve ever met, she has a great family, and almost everything else is perfect. There are no kids involved yet. Our sex life is down to maybe twice a month, but I hear that’s not uncommon. 🙂 Any advice as to why maybe she is really doing this, or to help me get her to understand that it’s her safety I’m truly worried about would be nice. I feel like I’m out of options here. I trust her 100%, but this goes deeper than that. It’s about respect of your life partner, not putting yourself in a situation where something stupid can happen, and do it on purpose. Am I wrong to ask her to slow down with the bar thing? She will say ok, but nothing changes. If something bad happens, it’s just not about her anymore it also effects me. Thanks for any advice!

[ThinkingRight]

Watch out! My wife was doing something very similar and I thought i could trust her — I couldn’t and shouldn’t have. I even told my divorce attorney “she doesn’t lie”. Turns out she does lie and about everything. Worse as it turns out she was having affairs left and right.

Your wife is a married woman and she needs to act like a married woman. She’s not. She’s acting like she’s still single — and if she’s not cheated yet… she will (if she continues down this path).

I don’t buy the excuse for why she’s checking on ex-boyfiends and I don’t understand how a newly married woman has trouble telling her devoted husband that she loves him.

My question is — why did she marry you?

Watch out! And start standing up for yourself. What’s she’s doing is NOT right. If she threatens to divorce you because you don’t want her hanging at at bars and acting like she’s single, perhaps she really should be single. This is not a description of a good wife.
[b]
[u]Don’t you think you deserve better?[/u][/b]

PS – whatever you do DO NOT HAVE KIDS with this woman unless she drastically changes her behavior. That would be a disaster!

[joe2424]

Thinking right… thanks for the reply, and I’m sorry for what happened to you! I may have left a couple of things out after I reread my post. The bar that she hangs out in most is a place where both of us are on a first name basis with the owner, and we know a lot of the staff. Plus, there are usually several mutual friends there on any given weekend. I guess what I’m saying is, she would have to be real sneaky if something along the infidelity lines were being crossed, because I would hear about it eventually, even though the place is packed.

I don’t buy the whole email thing either. There is a whole other reason she is doing it, but I can’t figure it out. She absolutely hates confrontation, so her excuse seemed believable at one time, but now she’s got me wondering.

Believe me, I’ve tried yelling, being nice, compromising, understanding, you name the approach, I’ve tried it. Her friends hang out at the bar on weekends, and she sits at home all week by herself, and on the weekend wants to be with her friends since I’m usually working. This is her reasoning, and justification. This is true, because two of her bridesmaids, she had trouble remembering their last names. Bar friends. I have requested, and even tried to help her find a hobby to relieve some of the boredom. No go. She gets out of work at three. Comes home and takes a two hour nap. Gets something to eat. Tries to stay up until I get home, but I tell her to get some sleep. She was on a schedule that would vary her hours a little so she could sleep in, but 7-3 monday through friday with weekends off so she could go out was the plan. So I have taken the approach that if she does me over then it happens I guess. There isn’t a whole lot I can do about it now except sit back and watch.

[joe2424]

Okay, got a new development. Had a long chat with my wife about what is expected of each other, and our future plans. I showed her what I had posted on here, and now we are finally talking seriously. She thought that I was just being stupid, she didn’t really think it bothered me that bad I was just jealous, and that we can work this out. So, we need your help. In your opinion, how often is too often for a girls, or guys night out? What behaviors would you think are acceptable, and what is not? Does a married person belong in a bar without their spouse? We realize that everyone is different, and we should keep things acceptable that we both can live with, but we are interested in what your opinions are. Thanks!

[JesseKim]

Hey

I’m so glad you two are talking about this its VERY important. I know how hard it is to talk about these things. As for advice, my sister just recently got married and she started going out A LOT, to parties and bars and she was just trying to maintain her own life and her own lifestyle. But once my brother in law got the gall to talk it out (and my sister is DEFINITELY not a talker) they worked it out. Its hard to make the adjustment from single to spouse. I think once a week is sufficient for a girls night out or bar hopping unless your spouse is with you, if she wants to spend more time with her friends and not be home alone why doesn’t she go over to there house (or have them come over), have poker nights, or take dance lessons, any of these things are lots of fun but with out alcohol or the bar scene. Good luck to you both. And keep talking its so important. 😉

[Ask April Masini]

Happy New Year! Let me know how things are going for you. 😉

I am here to help, and happy to answer any questions you have. 😀

[Ethan Morales]

Your worry is valid, and you’re not being paranoid for caring about safety and respect. But this is as much about boundaries and unmet needs as it is about bars and booze.

What’s actually happening: she’s choosing the bar scene as her social life, and it’s happening on your most precious shared time. You get texts about “out with so-and-so” and come home to a half-drunk wife who hugs you like nothing happened. That creates a pattern where your needs for safety, presence, and partnership get deprioritised repeatedly. Words like “I won’t control you” are fine in theory, but they don’t replace a partner who prioritises shared life when commitments are made.

Safety is non-negotiable. You said she used to drive drunk; you blew up then and got drinking-and-driving to stop good. Don’t reframe a real safety risk as mere jealousy. Ask for (and insist on) concrete safety rules: no driving home intoxicated, always a ride-share or a sober friend, a quick “I’m safe” text at the end of the night. Those aren’t controlling they’re reasonable protections for both of you.

Boundaries around frequency and timing, not control. You’ve already tried talks, and they haven’t changed behaviour. So trade vague conversations for a clear agreement: e.g., “Two nights out a month I’m OK with. One night a month for girls’ night only. If you go out on my weeks off, it’ll be together or give me a heads-up 24 hours in advance.” Pick what’s reasonable for you both. If she agrees and doesn’t follow through, follow up with a consequence you both agree on (e.g., she skips an agreed date night, you don’t join bar nights for a month). Consistency matters.

Respect vs. freedom: You want her to keep friends and enjoy life greatly. But in a marriage, the other partner’s comfort matters too. She’s labelling your concern “controlling.” Reframe it: “I want you to be safe and to feel like my partner. When you go out every week without me and flirt back home, I feel sidelined. I don’t want to stop your fun; I want to be part of decisions that affect our lives.” Use “I” statements, not accusations. That lowers defensiveness.

Have a calm, scheduled talk (not after work, not tipsy). Use the three non-negotiables: safety, agreed frequency, and transparency about ex contacts that make you uncomfortable.

If she refuses or shrugs it off, insist on couples counselling not as an attack, but as a neutral place to fix the pattern. If she refuses therapy and the behaviour continues, you need to decide whether this pattern is acceptable long-term.

What to watch for: real change is shown by behaviour, not promises. If she complies for two nights, then goes right back, that’s telling. If she honestly values your partnership, she’ll negotiate and meet you halfway. If she dismisses your needs, that’s a relationship misalignment and you’ll have to decide whether to accept that or step back.

A couple of lines you can use in the talk: “I love you and I want us to keep going out and having fun but I also need to feel like your partner. Can we agree on safety rules and how often nights out happen?”
“When you go out and text me later that you’re home, it’s meaningful. When you don’t, I feel invisible. I’m asking for small things that would make a big difference to me.”

[PassionSeeker]

Sweetheart, I hear how hard you’ve tried you’re not just complaining, you’re fighting for this marriage. You’re doing the flowers, the talks, the patience, the understanding, but what you’re not getting back is respect. Love without respect turns into exhaustion, and that’s where you are.

You’re not wrong for wanting your wife home safe or wanting her to treat marriage like a partnership. You’re not “jealous” you’re asking for the bare minimum of mutual accountability. When a woman chooses the bar scene over her husband every weekend, she’s not just dancing she’s choosing a lifestyle that keeps her emotionally single. And that, love, is not sustainable for a marriage.

You can’t police her, but you can define your boundaries clearly: what you will and will not accept. Calmly. Once. Then stop arguing her choices will show you everything.

You deserve a partner who meets you halfway, not one who makes you feel like a controlling stranger for wanting respect.

[Marcus king]

Your instincts aren’t wrong.
You’re not crazy.
You’re not “controlling.”
You’re married not her casual boyfriend from the bar.

Marriage means partnership, and partnership means consideration.
Right now, she’s living like she’s single and she’s defending that lifestyle because she’s not ready to let it go.

She didn’t grow into the relationship the way you did. You matured into “we.” She’s still operating from “me.”

And yeah part of that is the age gap. Not because she’s younger, but because she hasn’t finished the identity phase of her life. She still needs the attention, the validation, the social buzz, the “I’m still desirable” environment. Bars give that dopamine for free.

But the real issue?

She doesn’t want accountability.
When you say “I feel disrespected,” she hears, “You’re trying to control me.”

That’s why you go in circles.

[Author]

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