[snowwy123]

This is a long story, but I will try to keep it as brief as possible.
I am currently separated from my husband of 7 years. The issues began, 4 1/2 years ago.
We had recently moved to a new state and had very good jobs. No kids at home, nothing but work and spending time off together. Having a great time. Until, I noticed that he was withdrawing. Not knowing, what was wrong, and yes I asked and was told that “Nothing” was wrong. I came home early one day, his day off, and he was in the 2nd bedroom, where we had our computers, and he was playing an online video game. I noticed that he was playing with someone online, when I asked, O its a guy from work, was what I was told. But something inside me told me it wasn’t a guy. I kept an eye on it and indeed, my husband finally told me it was a girl from work. Weeks went by with cell phone calls, emails, yahoo messenger, and the video game and he was always with her. Again, I came home early, sick. He was in the computer room, sitting, looked up at me and said ” I don’t love you, I never have”. I was beyond devastated. He said that he didn’t want to be married to me anymore and it was over. He got up, went to our room, laid on the bed and said he wanted to kill himself. To make a long story short, it was the girl from work, she wanted him to leave me and be with her. Devastation, hurt, pain, mistrust on and on. But he wouldn’t leave me. He kept working at the same job, and would say weird biblical things to me, like, God told me I could help people with their problems etc. I thought he had something wrong with him and begged him to get help. Then one day, I was off work, He called me when I thought he should be coming home and said that someone at work had taken his keys,.,. The girl….He had quit his job to get away from her,,HE said, and she didn’t want him to leave. He got his keys back…..I tried to forgive, but couldn’t forget….
A year and half later, my son moved to the same city we were living in, with his girlfriend and my new Grand-daughter. I must say, my husband is 20 yrs younger than me. My husband loves my son, hated his girlfriend…BUT, on 7/7/09 I came home from work, my husband was home, my son and his girlfriend and my grand-daughter were there. I brought food home for everyone. I went to my room to change and someone knocked on the door. My son was standing at the door and asked me to come out and talk with him. I stepped out into the hallway and my son handed me a 3 page LOVE letter from my husband to my sons 17 yr. old girlfriend. My husband was 27 at the time. Yet again, I was blind sided by him, didn’t understand WHY would he do this to me and now my son. I threw them both out of my house, she took my grand-daughter. Ultimately, the girlfriend gave my grand-daughter up for adoption, my son went back with her, out of fear for his daughter. My son lost his job, no money,,,and signed the adoption papers. That is over 3 years ago, and I haven’t seen my grand-daughter since or may never again. And yet, my husband takes no responsibility for his actions.
I ultimately took him back, I DON’T KNOW WHY..but I did. He seemed fine again..I can not to this day understand WHY an educated, intelligent woman would take him back AGAIN?
March of this year, it started again..He started acting weird, hasn’t worked in 3 years. I have a great, high paying job. He was starving himself slowly, saying he couldn’t eat, he was sick…stomach issues. I begged him to go to the doctor. He is 6’3 and was now at 137lbs from 160lbs, he’s always been slim, but this was starvation. I didn’t know what to do. I called his mother and told her what was going on. Subsequently, he went home, across the US from us. Once getting there, he called me and told me he had a MIRACULOUS recovery, wanted a divorce and wasn’t ever coming back. 3 months of hell, despair, self loathing…I have lost over 85lbs. since May of this year. He was there for 7 weeks, called me one day and said he made a mistake and wanted to come home..I let him. He treated me like a stranger, saying he could turn off his emotions and wouldn’t show me any emotion, nothing…nothing. I sat there for 4 months, or more and endured this. November of this year, his grandmother passed away, he wanted to go to the funeral, I booked the flight…You have to understand, prior to his leaving, he was NORMAL again. But once he was there, I called him a few days later and told him that I couldn’t live with him anymore, begged him to get help. I truly in the depths of my soul can not believe a normal person would act like this. I search for the reasons WHY would he do this? We loved each other SO much. Yet he jeopardized our entire lives over and over again. He always says, I DIDN’T CHEAT. But in my mind he broke every other vow of our marriage. But now, 3 weeks after telling him he couldn’t come home, I secretly regret telling him that, want him home WHY? WHY? do I want him home. WHY would I continue to suffer in a relationship I know is one sided and very unhealthy? I am seeking help to understand.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You seem to be more interested in analysis than you do in changing behavior so that you’re living a healthy life. Sometimes people need to understand the reasons for their behavior in order to change it, but you don’t seem to be one of those people. 😕 You keep putting yourself into unhealthy situations over and over again, and rather than analyze, my advice is that you start with healthy behavior and when you’re in a better place you can look back and figure out why you did what you did.

Your husband is clearly not healthy, and the two of you are in an unhealthy situation, but you can’t blame him — you have to take responsibility for yourself. My advice is that you get divorced and move on. But first, go see a physician and get help for your health problems. Losing 85 pounds in 8 months because of stress probably isn’t healthy, so make sure you’re taking care of your health first, then shortly after that, go see an attorney and get legally divorced. Then, spend some time figuring out why you got into an unhealthy relationship and kept going back to it — so you can figure out how to do things in a more healthy way, and find someone who is healthy and happy and supports you in the same health and happiness. 😉

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