[lost]

Ok, so here’s the deal. I have been with him for 5 years and we have 2 kids together 3 1/2 and 1 and his mom recently became facebook buddies with his ex – girlfriend, and this woman came between us before. He lied to me 5 years ago and told me he was picking his brother up from the airport and really he was picking her up, he went back to her hotel room with her where “nothing happened” and then 2 days later he called me. They originally broke up because she moved back up north to move in with her husband who she had been married to forever. So, she was cheating on her husband with him in the first place. She came down here to visit her “daughter” yet somehow he was picking her up from the airport. Ok, months after that I told him if he was going to continue talking to her then we were through – but we had no kids at this point and I was not pregnant (or at least we didn’t know I was) so he called her and said “don’t call me anymore, we are over I don’t love you I love her” now I didn’t ask him to say all that and was actually shocked. So, supposedly that was the last time he had spoken to her and we were just discussing her Friday because he wants to know why I can’t move in with him and won’t marry him and I was like well you know even though I know you picked her up from the airport you still haven’t admitted it to me and that scares me and he was like you know I dont talk to her so what does it matter. Talk about a major coincidence – this week we get on facebook and it shows her and his mom just became friends!! There is a bit of an age difference here between all of us – Im 29, he’s 41, and she is like 50 something. So he says his mom and her were friends because they were about the same age – but she is just now becoming back in touch with her? Isn’t it kind of disrespectful to me to keep her hanging around – I mean your sons ex girlfriend? Keep in mind there are no kids involved and they were never married, in fact he was her affair and they lived together in her husbands house while he was up north working. But none of that is really my business. I’m just saying if you are trying to keep a good relationship in the family and your sons ex girlfriend sends you a friend request, would you not just ignore it? And when he said something to her she said I can be friends with whoever the f*ck I want???? We just bought a house and were going to get married and have 2 kids together but I am not comfortable moving forward with his mom talking to his ex girlfriend and the fact that she doesnt care and he doesnt care really bothers me and hurts my feelings. He says that anyone else would not care – yet when I said oh yeah lets call her husband and see if he cares about his wife talking to her ex’s mother he blew up and said I just want to start crap because this guy doesnt know she has an ex. She never told him. Hmmmm, sounds like thats a yes he would have a problem. He thinks no other girlfriend would have a problem in this situation as long as he is not talking to her what’s the big deal. But in my opinion its the same thing as when he had her hanging around except now its his mom doing it for him. What do I do, leave him? Have problems with the “in-law” forever? I mean who can live like that, I don’t want one day my kids being around their fathers ex either so now I have to keep them away from grandma? ANY advice is appreciated!!! Thanks

[Ask April Masini]

First of all, since you have 2 children with your boyfriend, he and his mother are now going to be in your life forever as the father and grandmother of your children, so to think you can [i]not[/i] marry him and not move in with him, when that’s what he wants, while at the same time, making things better after 5 years — is wishful thinking. 😕

You have to make some decisions and stick to them if you want to alleviate this drama that you’re a part of with your boyfriend, his ex-girlfriend and his mother.

First of all, since he cheated on you 5 years ago, and you’ve taken him back and had children with him since then, you have to let it go. It’s old. You’ve already made your decision to get back together with him 5 years ago. Don’t keep dredging up drama to keep the two of you apart.

Second, since he wants to marry you and move in with you, and you already have 2 children together, I’d strongly suggest you accept his proposal (first), get married (second) and move in together (third). You can’t stay in limbo by dating him, not accepting his marriage proposal, and then expecting him not to see other women. It’s not realistic on your part. Make it a small, easy wedding — a Christmas wedding would be great fun! And move in together over the holidays.

Third, the relationship his mother has with the ex-girlfriend is inappropriate and designed to sabotage your relationship with your boyfriend, but it’s not for you to get involved with. It’s your boyfriend’s business. Once you accept his marriage proposal, he needs to be the one to explain to his mother that it’s disrespectful of his impending marriage for her to foster a relationship with his ex-girlfriend. You need to stay on good behavior, and keep your boundaries clear and clean so you don’t become a drama queen in this problem.

But frankly, if your boyfriend wants a wife, and you’re not willing to marry him, he and his mother have every right to try to find him a wife. So you can’t have it both ways — decide what you want from your boyfriend, and act on it. That’s going to make your life a lot clearer and more peaceful.

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