[mmsmith1977]

I am new to this site, I hope I can get some good advice, as I am not sure where else to go. I have made a huge mess of my life and relationship, and I do not know what to do. I and 33 years old and have been married for 5 years, no children. For the most part the marriage has been good. We have had some tough times over the past six months, though, but I never even thought about straying or leaving. Then, about three months ago I met a friend/coworker of my husband’s and was instantly attracted to him. We became friends on our own due to mutual interests, and started hanging out a few times. At first it was just flirtation but became more than that. We have only been intimate once. I feel horrible and guilty, but I have also developed major feelings for this guy. I also love my husband and do not want to hurt him. We recently ended the affair and decided to remain friends, but this broke my heart and I am having trouble moving on. I do not know if I should just deal with and work on my marriage or if I should leave my marriage to pursue something further. I am afraid of hurting my husband, and also of destroying our life together, which has been very comfortable and nice. I also do not want to end up alone or make the wrong decision. If anyone has any advice it would be most appreciated. Please no judgment, I know that this was wrong to do, I am just looking for a way out of this mess that I have created.

[Ask April Masini]

Buckle up because I’m going to give you some advice no one else will tell you, but it’s going to be hard to take:

You are being very selfish. You are doing whatever is easy and what feels good. This is what little kids do — not mature adults. Unless you appreciate other people’s commitments and feelings, you’re going to continue to make a mess of not just your life, but other peoples’ as well. 😮

If you want to stay with your husband, then honor your commitment to him and his to you. If you have a problem in the marriage deal with it head on. Problems in marriage are normal. Running away from them is unfortunate. If you find someone attractive (and you will, because it’s normal to find other people attractive even if you’re married), decide to be committed to your husband. If you can’t be committed then get divorced.

The man you had the affair with has dumped you. Stop seeing him altogether out of respect for yourself, your husband and your marriage.

I hope that helps. Let me know how it goes. And join me on Facebook. Here’s the link for AskApril.com on Facebook: [url][/url].

[crazed-driver]

Typical woman here (on about April here), going on and on, lol. But I do agree with her totally. She could have cut all that down to just saying: Focus on your husband and sort out your problems, go to therapy if needed. Failing that divorce him and take time out from men altogther. Affairs happen for a reason, but I’m not going to explain it unless someone asks why they do, but it obvious.

[Ask April Masini]

I often go on a little longer to make sure the person posting the question understands what I’m trying to say, since I can’t see their face and notice if they’re “getting it” or not.

Regardless, [b]crazed-driver[/b] cut to the chase (which is a lot more male behavior, just fyi!): Focus on your marriage and deal with problems there. If you don’t want to or can’t do it, then get divorced and enjoy your life as a single person who is free to date as she likes. But staying in both relationships is going to end up with exponential heart ache. 🙁

Please join me on Facebook — I’d love to have you as an invited guest of AskApril.com on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[mmsmith1977]

Thank you for the response, I think that is good advice. Another question is, do you think it is necessary to confess what I have done, if I want my marriage to work? I would like to work on it but do not know if it could survive this or not.

[crazed-driver]

Ask yourself. “Do you love him, do you trust him and do you want to be with him for life”. If the answer is “Yes” to all of these. Then sit him down, tell him you love him, etc and ask him how he feels. Ask him if he has anything he needs to tell you and then If he feels the same as you, tell him you don’t deserve then tell why that’s the case. After doing that, you’ve both cleared the air and there’s no more secrets between you both. If he then has trust issues after this, but still loves you, etc. You could try doing things together in small steps, maybe spend small amount of time together, maybe do some trust exercises together. If he takes the news badly, but still loves you, therapy might be worth a try.

[Ask April Masini]

I don’t recommend confessing your affair. It was one night and it’s over. It was a big mistake, and you’re right — it may blow seven years of marriage that you now want to try and save if you tell him what you did before you figure out why you did it, and what you’re doing to change it.

You didn’t talk very much about what the problems in your marriage were, so I’m not sure if you have issues between you and your husband or if you’re just bored, yourself. Focus on the marriage and what you can do to improve it and figure out what about you made you stray and if the catalyst was internal or external and what it was. This will help you know yourself better and figure out what YOU need in yourself and in a relationship to make you peaceful and settled.

I hope that helps. Please join me on Facebook! I’d love to have you there. Here’s that link: [url][/url]. 🙂

[mmsmith1977]

Thank you for the advice. I have been trying very hard with my husband, and telling him about the issues I have had lately with our relationship, and I think things are getting better. I do really and truly love and appreciate him. My only issues now are 1) how can you make a marriage work when your schedules are so different you only see each other once a week, and one of you has to travel for business around the country frequently? He has to spend a good deal of time in Phoenix and LA, leaving me alone halfway across the country and 2) I am having a very hard time letting go of my guilt and regret, for what I have done and for wrecking a friendship I valued very much. Is it even remotely possible to dismiss the emotional affair we had and the one night we spent together as a serious lapse of judgment and remain friends? We are in the same social circle and have run into each other a few times at work events and at a party. It was civil but awkward, and every time we have tried to talk afterwards he seems to be angry with me and say it makes him uncomfortable. He is also still friends with my husband, which I find odd, as well (although they do work together, and its a very small firm). I just want to be able to fix things, and have them go back to when we were all friends and my marriage was good. Is this possible? Am I selfish? My sister says I am trying to have my cake and eat it too. I dont think that is it, I accept the other relationship as being wrong, and as being over. Why would it be so difficult for us to remain friends? I just want a way to ‘detoxify’ my life and try to make sure no one gets hurt any further. I am only 33, and I want to be able to move on and have a happy life. Thank you!

[Ask April Masini]

First of all, your sister is right, but more importantly I find it strange that you are worried about ruining a friendship rather than possibly ruining your marriage! 😕 You had an affair, realized it was a mistake and chose your husband over your fling. Focus on that choice, assuming it is what you want. If you aren’t sure you’re going to have problems. Make a full fledged choice and honor it.

Grown ups understand that behavior has consequences, and you and yours is no different. You can’t be friends with the man you cheated on your husband with if you want to focus on your marriage and make it work out. Pick one man and let the other one go. It’s really that simple. If you want your husband and not your fling then stop talking to and about this other guy. That’s the price you need to pay for your fling. Trust me — that price could be a lot higher.

Second of all, in response to your question about making a marriage work when your husband travels and only sees you once a week, count your blessings. Be glad that your husband has a job. Be glad that he is good at that job. Be glad that he is working to contribute to your marriage and your family. Be glad that you get to see him once a week. Many wives of servicemen who are deployed don’t see their husbands for months on end. Make the most of what you do have. During that one night a week, be your best self in every way 😎 and show your appreciation for your marriage, your husband and what you DO have.

I hope that helps and that you’ll join me on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[mmsmith1977]

You are right, that I should be thankful for the time I do get to see my husband, but sometimes it is a little difficult. And as difficult as it is I can see that it is selfish to want to keep both relationships as though nothing happened. I know I am an adult and my actions have consequences (and as you pointed out they could have been much worse), but I am still having alot of trouble moving on from the guilt and regret. I wish more than anything that I could take it back and change what I did. I guess that sounds weak, but its the truth. I appreciate the advice, it just seems that no matter what I do or try all I feel is anxious and depressed, even though I have no one to blame for this than myself. I guess that is my issue to deal with, since I caused it. Again, I appreciate the input, and the help.

[Ask April Masini]

You’re welcome for the input. Remember that you came to me because you said your life was a mess. Read your first post. You admitted that you’d made it a mess. Well, you can neaten it up and give your life order by behaving orderly in your relationships. Make priorities and adhere to them. It has to do with discipline and knowing that not everything is supposed to feel good. When you married, I trust you took vows that said “for better and for worse.” Well, that’s because it’s understood that there will be good times and bad times in marriage and in people, themselves.

I know you now understand that your feelings and your behavior are two entirely different things and it’s understandable and okay to feel badly, but it’s not acceptable to behave badly. You can’t take back what you did, but you can start doing good deeds to make yourself feel better about life. I’d suggest being a super great wife and supporter of your husband, but don’t stop there. Help others who are in need and go out of your way to do the right thing — and beyond.

I hope that helps you get through this rough time. You will do it, but you have to understand it’s not always going to be comfortable.

I hope that helps and that you’ll join me on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[PassionSeeker]

You’re not a bad person you’re a human being who made a painful mistake while searching for something you couldn’t name. Affairs don’t start from malice; they begin in emptiness, disconnection, or loneliness. But now you’re standing at the hardest part owning it, forgiving yourself, and choosing your path with clarity.

You can’t hold on to both men. The affair ended for a reason: it crossed a boundary that can’t be re-drawn as “friendship.” If you truly want to heal your marriage, that door must close completely. Contact, even polite, will only reopen the wound.

As for your guilt you don’t erase it by punishing yourself, but by living differently from now on. Use it as a compass, not a cage. Be honest, attentive, and grateful with your husband. Rebuild trust through consistency, not confession. If you still feel trapped in regret or sadness, therapy will help you process it without destroying what’s left.

You already know what’s right. Now you need the courage to live it.

[Ethan Morales]

April’s core message: She’s right that the poster is being led by emotion instead of responsibility. Attraction happens, but acting on it breaks trust and that’s where everything starts to unravel. April isn’t judging the feelings; she’s holding the poster accountable for the choices that came from them.

Emotional vs. moral conflict: This woman isn’t evil she’s just confused. She’s torn between guilt, comfort, and excitement. April’s calling her out for trying to have both worlds: the safety of a marriage and the thrill of something new. That’s selfish, but it’s also very human. April’s tone is firm because she wants to wake her up from self-pity.

The part about not confessing: That’s controversial. April suggests not telling the husband since it was “one night and it’s over.” Ethically, that’s a gray area. I get why she says it sometimes confessing only transfers guilt instead of healing anything. But if the wife truly wants to rebuild her marriage, secrecy might rot the foundation over time.

The “why” behind the affair: April’s strongest point is asking her to figure out why she strayed not just what happened. That’s the real root work. If she doesn’t face that, she’ll repeat the same pattern in the next relationship. Whether it was boredom, disconnection, or something within herself, that’s where the healing has to start.

April’s advice is harsh but fair. She’s pushing the woman toward emotional maturity take ownership, make a choice, and stop juggling guilt and desire. The tough love is necessary because gentle sympathy wouldn’t break through that confusion.

[Marcus king]

It’s good that you’re being honest about your situation — that’s the first real step toward fixing it. You already know what happened was wrong, but guilt alone won’t help unless you use it to guide what you do next.

Right now, you’re torn between comfort and emotion your marriage feels safe, but your connection with the other man felt exciting and new. That kind of attraction can make you confuse passion with love. But the truth is, no healthy future can grow from a situation built on secrecy and pain.

If you truly love your husband and there’s still something to save, focus your energy on repairing that. Be honest with him only if you feel it will help the healing process (not just to clear your guilt), and definitely seek counseling individually and together. You need space to understand why this happened what emotional needs or frustrations led to it so you don’t repeat the same cycle.

If, after deep reflection, you realize your heart isn’t in the marriage anymore, then leave before starting anything new. But don’t make a decision based on loneliness or guilt. Take time to heal, think, and rebuild your sense of self first.

For now: pause contact with the coworker completely, give yourself emotional space, and get support (therapy, trusted friend, or counselor). You can rebuild either your marriage or your life but it starts with slowing down, facing your truth, and making a choice guided by clarity, not chaos.

[Isabella Jones]

It sounds like your heart is being pulled in two directions, and that can feel like standing in the middle of a storm with no clear way out. 💛 You’re not a bad person for feeling lost — love gets messy, especially when something new wakes up emotions you thought were settled. I can tell you care deeply about your husband and also about the man who stirred something in you, and that tug-of-war between comfort and desire is one of the hardest places to be.

I went through something similar once, not the same story but the same ache — when my heart wanted more than one truth to be real at the same time. What helped me was stepping back and asking myself, “What do I want my life to *feel* like a year from now?” Not who I wanted to be with, but who I wanted to *be*.

Maybe your next step isn’t choosing a man, but choosing honesty — with yourself first. Because if you stay out of guilt, or leave out of fear, neither path will bring peace. When you picture the version of you who’s finally at peace again, what is she doing differently from the woman you are right now?

[Author]

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