[chkmgnt01]

Here’s some info. I love my gf very much, we have been together for almost two years now. We’re both young but sometimes I feel an attraction to her that’s so powerful that when everyone around me is telling me to break up with her, I can’t do it. And when I say everyone, I mean everyone who has met my gf has said that, even thought she didn’t behave in a negitive way. Even my family says that I need to break up with her! I feel that I’ve grown up and she’s dragging me down. We both want something different out of our relationship. She wants me to want to be clingy and need her. And, haha, I want the exact opposite. I want to be independent, but still be with her. I also want her to grow up. I realize that this might be selfish and greedy of me, but it just feels like it’s something that we both need to deepen our relationship. And when I tried to sit her down and rationalize this, it’s just thrown back into my face. I try everything I can think of doing to try to change this relationship. I take her out to nice, fun places and it feels like it goes under appreciated. There are even days that I feel like she just wants to break up with me but she doesn’t want to feel like she’s the “Bad Person” so she won’t have to blame herself. I also feel that after that, she tries to start arguements with me so that I’ll break it up, for the same latter reason. I don’t know what to do and I’m open to all or any advice.

[Ask April Masini]

While you did not mention your ages, I must assume that you are quite young and that this is one of your first major relationships?

Assuming this assumption is correct, I wonder if “everyone” you refer to is seeing something more, or different, in your girlfriend and your relationship with her (that is prompting their desire for you two to break up) than you are?

Having said that, there are two things that you mentioned that caught my attention: (1) “We both want something different out of our relationship.” And 2, “She’s dragging me down.”

Equally, I do not think that it is selfish or greedy of you to, “want to be independent, but still be with her”, or for you to “want her to grow up”.

In my opinion, when you combine these things with the behavior she displays, I am inclined to agree with “everyone” else … perhaps you two need to take a break and to date some other people. Based upon what you described, the two of you appear to be moving in opposite directions. What I mean by that is, generally speaking, people in happy and healthy relationships are motivated in the same direction with shared goals and values. It seems to me (based upon what you described) that neither of you is particularly happy in your relationship, but neither of you wants to be the one to breakup. Honestly, that is not a good reason to remain in a relationship. I think there’s a very good chance that there is someone out there who will encourage you to continue to grow and become the best independent person you can be — while making you feel like a million bucks, instead of bringing you down.

[Ethan Morales]

What you’re feeling is very common in young relationships: strong attraction combined with mismatch in life goals and emotional needs. Your description shows that you love her, yes, but you also feel that she’s holding you back in the ways you want to grow. That tension wanting independence while she wants clinginess, wanting maturity while she resists is the core of the problem. Love alone can’t fix fundamental mismatches in expectations and personal growth.

the fact that “everyone” who meets her, including your family, sees red flags isn’t trivial. While outside opinions aren’t gospel, they can often highlight patterns that are hard to see when you’re emotionally involved. Your family’s concern and your own feeling that she’s dragging you down suggest that the relationship may be stunting your personal growth rather than enhancing it.

your description of her behavior starting arguments to “test” whether you’ll break up, potentially manipulating situations to avoid blame points to a pattern of emotional immaturity. That doesn’t make her a bad person, but it does make the relationship complicated and emotionally draining. In a healthy partnership, you should feel supported, not tested or second-guessed constantly.

you’re not being selfish for wanting independence or for wanting her to grow. That’s a fair and healthy expectation in a relationship. Relationships work best when both partners are aligned in terms of personal development and life goals. You’re at a stage where your growth matters a lot, and being with someone who isn’t aligned with that can cause long-term frustration.

the solution isn’t necessarily immediate breakup, but some space and clarity. Taking a break or spending some time apart could help both of you see the situation clearly. This isn’t about punishment it’s about giving yourself the chance to grow, reflect, and figure out if the relationship is genuinely serving both of you.

consider the long-term: staying in a relationship where your core needs independence, growth, compatibility aren’t met may prevent you from finding a partnership where you can thrive emotionally, mentally, and even romantically. True love isn’t just attraction or history; it’s alignment, support, and shared direction.

Your feelings are valid, your needs are real, and staying in a mismatched relationship out of loyalty or fear of being the “bad guy” isn’t healthy. Respectfully stepping back, reflecting, and giving yourself the option to explore other paths could be the healthiest choice for both of you.

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