[starting-over]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 6 months, we both have gone through a divorce and at first we proceeded into the relationship a bit fast (both our faults) by fast I mean I was almost living there (we both own our own homes). Partly he would ask me to stay when I would offer to go home and he would say stay and it turned into us playing house way too soon. He has been up front about being serious about me since the very beginning and says that he loves and needs me and sees a future with me.
We met on a dating site and over a month ago he decided to go behind my back and he went on a date (which I caught) nothing happened on the date and I basically ended it right then and there when I found out. He got lonely one night and was messaging someone on the site and ended up going on this date. He said he was sorry and that he made a mistake by going and that a couple of our fights we had prior to him going made him have some doubts but he realized by almost losing me that I am truly the one that he wants and he wants the opportunity to gain my trust back. He didn’t blame the doubts he had for his actions he fully accepted responsibility for what he did. I decided to take him back because every moment up until that moment between us was really good and I feel that he is what I want and what I need in a partner. He has since deleted his profile from the site and has been trying to be very open and up front about everything since and we have had some really great conversations about everything that happened. He knows where I stand with everything and that my forgiving him for this is a one-time deal, I do love him but will end it and do what I need to do to move on if this happens again and he knows that.
It is challenging to start over with someone after having progressed with him so fast and now I stay over at his house on weekends and go home during the week. I want to bounce back from this and give this my best shot but still keep my eyes open. I want to be sure that he is the right one for me and this was just a human mistake and not a true glimpse of his character. He is in his early 40’s and I am in my mid 30’s. We have talked about it enough that I don’t feel the need to keep bringing it up, and I want to be confident but it is scary trusting after a divorce and after what he did. Do you have any advice?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Dating after divorce is definitely tricky business. The best way to assure success is to really know yourself. That’s a lot harder to do than it sounds. It requires you understanding why you chose your former husband and what went wrong in the marriage and knowing what you want next time around and what type of person and situation will work for you.

You also have to avoid rebounding and dating someone who is rebounding. In fact, as hard as it is to know yourself, now you have to also find someone who you really believes knows HIMSELF post-divorce, in the same way. Choosing someone who hasn’t done his homework is going to usually result in problems, so use the dating process to choose wisely.

It sounds like you’re aware that the two of you got too close too quickly — and that prevents you from really getting to know him. Sex changes things and when you start sleeping with someone, you get attached emotionally, and that clouds your judgment, so moving too fast may keep you from choosing wisely.

Based on the situation you described, it sounds like your boyfriend didn’t feel as committed to you as you thought he was. I can’t tell from your post if he dated someone else once and almost dated another person once or if the two incidents were really just one incident. Either way, you still have to decide if this is someone who is ready to commit to you in the way you want him to or if you need to keep dating to find Mr. Right.

I hope that helps. Let me know how things go!

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