[girlygirl19]

Well, I just recently went through a breakup. I met the guy here on CL and we got a long great. I wasn’t expecting to have sex with him that night but I did. He get mad because he couldn’t cum and claimed I had a stretched out vagina which is the dumbest thing I have ever heard. I left and he messaged calling me a slut and saying big dicks stretched me out. Didn’t speak to him again until a week later and wanted to meet up with me. He apologized for his actions and we became very close after that. Eventually we were dating and said we loved each other. Then I found out he was still talking to girls on CL. I even took photos and saw where he gave one his number and was supposedly going to meet up with another one. I left his place in the middle of the night and he woke up the next morning sad. We eventually talked it out and I gave him another chance.

He said he wouldn’t do it again and I found out that he did. So, I decided to make a fake post and caught him. At this point we had another argument and he said he was upset which is why he supposedly replied to women’s posts on CL. A couple days later we talked about it and I gave him an attitude and he said that if a guy had said this to him he would have beat the shit out of him. Like why would you ever say that to a female. That just insinuates right there that you would really like to hit me.

Then a few more days went by and we just left it alone. Then he texted me drunk and started asking me about my past. He doesn’t like to know about it but he kept asking me about it. Then he told me not to contact him ever agin. Mind you I was unaware tat he was drunk. This is what he did the first time we met. I told him we were through and that he was to never talk to me again.

Then he apologized the next day saying he was extremely drunk when he promised me 2 months prior that he would never do that again. I was for sure going to break up with him so I got on CL and started talking to other men and replying to sex posts and relationship posts b/c I needed to get him out of my head and forget about him and sex or productivity gets things off my mind.

I went over his house on Sunday and he really convinced me he had changed and that he was really sorry. That’s when I changed my mind and decided i would;t respond to any more CL posts. Than the next morning he looked trough my phone and saw them and got mad, threw my phone down twice, grabbed my arm, got in my face and threw my belongings out into the hallway. Then he started to cry. I didn’t know what to do so I just left. I mean I guess he had a right to look because I looked through his computer and found emails, But at the same time if he had never talked to other girls on CL and did his stupid actions i would have never done the same. I never cheated and was only going to break up with him then hang out with another guy so I could get over him quickly. when he’s mad its crazy so i ddn’t bother explaining it to him and just left. I have emailed him 3 times since friday and have finally said I give up and that he is being stubborn and that now he knows how i felt when he hurt me. We both said we love each other. I practically stayed at his place every other day, and met his family. I really do miss him. What do I do? Should I leave it be or continue to try and win him back. Or am I lowering respect for myself?

Sorry for the detailed account. I really need some advice.

[Ask April Masini]

[quote]What do I do? [/quote]

I don’t know how old you are, but you’re acting desperate for attention by spending time and energy on this guy. If you really need attention that badly — and I don’t mean to pass judgment on you if you do — you should find it somewhere safer than CraigsList sex and relationship ads. Instead, go out with your friends and family and join groups where you can get that attention without trading sex for attention.

[quote]Should I leave it be or continue to try and win him back. Or am I lowering respect for myself?[/quote]

You’re definitely not respecting yourself. You should have lost his phone number and changed your locks the first night he blamed the bad sex on your private parts. You lost me after that. Everything was just another reason to leave him. It would be hard to do much worse than him. 😥

If you do want a real relationship, then use a dedicated dating website, and never have sex on the first date, not just for safety reasons, but because it sends the message to the guy that you’re not in it for a real relationship — just sex. 😉

I hope that helps.

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[kaivethmouse]

I agree and disagree with April.

Craigslist isn’t all bad, but you have to be really careful how you use it. I’m engaged (happily!) to possibly the most amazing man ever and I did meet him on Craigslist. however, I also received emails from lowlife losers. If you go back on Craigslist, here’s a few of my rules I followed for talking to guys:
1. Never meet right away. Wait a few days while emails are passed back and forth.
2. Even if a guy is hot in his picture, if he doesn’t write something that equates to the length of your ad he’s not really interested.
3. Only respond if the guys continue to show an equal amount of effort into their posts.
4. Meet somewhere neutral and DONT go home with them the first few dates – drive yourself and then drive home.

But yeah, you lost me after he blamed sex on your private parts. If a guy treats you like that anytime – especially the first date! – its a sign of how his personality is. That’s emotionally abusive and obviously he isn’t beyond physically abusing you, either. Stay away from him. He isn’t good for you.

[Ask April Masini]

Good advice! 🙂

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[girlygirl19]

Thank you both very much! I have not contacted him anymore and am moving on.

[Ask April Masini]

That sounds like a great plan for you! 😀

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[girlygirl19]

Little update, I am doing great and although I spent a bit of time thinking about this relationship, I did move on and have been hanging out with friends and staying busy and what not. Hope you had a great Christmas and have a great New Year by the way 🙂

I have now unfortunately got another problem that I just cannot seem to figure out fully. There is a guy I have known since my senior year of high school. We talked or dated for three months during school (whatever you wanna call it). He was a virgin and I was not. We had gotten so close to having sex until he decided not to continue. (Clothes were literally all off) . This was maybe 2 months after we both started talking.

We had mutual feelings for each other and it was obvious that he liked me. However he would always back out of sex after that. He said that he felt like he would be a bad partner and because he was catholic he didn’t feel it was right and that he was lying to his parents about where he was when he was at my house. (His mother was my guidance counselor by the way). Eventually we broke up or stopped speaking with each other so to speak because he felt that it was pointless to date me if I was going to be far away. He didn’t want a ldr.

However every time I was away he always contacted me first. When I went to college he would text me. If he heard about something bad whether it be a murder, weather issue or anything that may have harmed someone in the city, he contacted me to see if I was okay. Friends can totally do that, but not when their conversations lead to the topic of sex. He would suddenly jump from one topic to sex. When I came home he would talk the talk about having sex with me but never did anything when we hung out. I gave him an ultimatum and said that we are either strictly friends or in a relationship or nothing at all. He wanted to remain friends but still years later and he still acts the same way. So I just ignore him once he starts to talk about sex with me.

I don’t get it. One minute he will sound all concerned and caring then the next it’s all about having sex with me then the next it’s us hanging out and him not doing anything.

I know I contribute to this ridiculousness but he is actually a really nice guy with a good head on his shoulders. I just don’t know why he keeps doing this. He recently told me that he will only have sex if he’s in a relationship and I told him ‘why are you doing this then if we are not or will not be dating.’

He would not answer and only apologized. But now as I speak he is messaging me about sex again and I am intentionally ignoring his questions and remarks by stating random things and fact but he is still at it. I just don’t get it, I know I probably should have dropped this guy after I moved away, but he really is a nice guy and although I would feel bad it would be a sigh of relief to go without being spoken to like a sexual object. I have ignored him many times before though and he will still message me.

What should I do? I just don’t understand how hard it is to be platonic friends. He says he doesn’t want to lose me as a friend but he keeps doing this. He will literally talk about sex and I will just respond with a completely irrelevant sentence. Does he not get the hint? How do I handle this. Also he finally lost his virginity to another girl 3 months after we stopped talking who was physically similar to me and had a sexual past like mines (wasn’t a virgin and was experienced).

Does he really just only think of me as a sexual object or do you think There is something more that keeps him acting the way he does and say the things he says, or is it because of my actions and how I am handling it?

[girlygirl19]

Maybe I just need some time to myself and rebuild my confidence.

[Ask April Masini]

I think you should steer clear of him and focus on what you want in life. He’s not it.

Whether or not you’ve come to accept this, the reality is that men and women can’t be friends. One person always wants more than the other at some point, and friends don’t talk about sex the way he’s doing with you. Don’t get yourself into a confusing situation with someone who’s not real boyfriend material. Use the New Year to really focus on only doing things for yourself that will move you forward with the goals you set for yourself. Time to set some great resolutions for 2014! 🙂

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[girlygirl19]

Sorry about that! 🙂

I met a guy over a month ago. We got along great. Although I am 20 and he’s is 26, our age is not a problem for him and I. We have gone out three times only, and communicated on several occasions when he was working and I was busy as well. We both are looking for a relationship and he has emphasized his interests, likes and attraction towards me. It has gotten to the point where he even made a mental note of remembering which days I am available to hang out and at what times. He works long hours usually from 9am to 7 or 8 pm but still managed to see me and says that it is all worth it when we hang out, no matter how late he may get home. (he commutes 90 min to and from work to get home by the train). Its to the point where yesterday he told his boss (who has been on his back lately) that he had to meet someone very important, which he was referring to me, and thats why he was able to leave work an hour early. If you don’t really like someone or that person so much or do not think they are that important to get your boss to allow to leave work early, which is rare, then why do it? He cam to my place, we talked, we had sex. But I have improved myself from last year. I vowed only to have sex with someone I felt I would feel a connection with or felt that it may move forward into something else. H e enjoyed his time with me last night and prior to yesterday, he always mentioned that he was not just looking for sex, but that sex was an important aspect in a relationship (so he wanted to know a bit about my sexual tendencies) which I also agree with him.

However, he called me later on that night and said that he feels because of his busy work schedule, we should only remain friends. I just feel like he knew how busy he was when he met me and where I lived compared to him, so why is it now he decides we should only be friends. He also says he does not want to give me false hope, which he would be doing more so if we were only to remain friends because I had already caught feelings for him (way before the sex ever occurred last night) and for me I am not comfortable with remaining friends with someone I have feelings for (which is why I do not have any of them left in my life).

Its just that in a way I feel that he also wasted both his and my time if this is what it has come to. About the false hope, he says he doesn’t want to ruin or hurt my feeling because he cannot always guarantee that we will hang out when we plan to. I understand completely his schedule and that he is a busy man and has priorities, just like my schooling and part time job are, but this would not be a problem for me. I have many friends and have seen many people are in relationships with someone who is just as busy as us and are in a relationship or still dating or “talking” I should say.

my friend (who happens to be the same age as me) is in a relationship with someone ten years older than her, who lives two hours upstate. They at times may only see each other once a week or only on the weekends, but they are content with that. My former roommate from last year has also been with someone for four years now and they are five years apart. They lived an hour or so apart. He has graduated college and is currently employed while she is still in college. They managed to see each other on the weekends and if not, they would spend at least one day or a few hours together during the week. Of course we are not together, but I just wanted to mention that this availability issue can most definitely work and that with my complete understanding,that he would not be hurting me by not always being able to see me. However, if it is more of a strain on him due to the long hours at work, then I totally understand. But I would rather not remain friends after what has happened and what I felt could have happened. I feel as if I would be holding on to lost hope more so if we remained friends rather than if we tried and continued this romantically.

Do I sound selfish? It’s just that why should I remain friends with him if we were never started out as friends in the first place. For me its either all or nothing, (and by that i mean, we continue what we have been doing as far as talking or dating goes). We have pretty much shared all we can about each other and he has at times said he was excited to see me and would rather spend time with me than anything else.

Any thoughts or suggestions?

[Ask April Masini]

You’re absolutely right about not wanting to be friends with him. Bad idea. Trust your instincts. 😉 Time to move on.

What I’d offer you as advice is to remember that just because you’ve dated someone for a month or two — even if you’ve slept with them — it doesn’t mean they’re not dating other people or thinking about other people. Dating is a process that you can use to get to know someone, as well as yourself, and to figure out if they’re someone you want to continue dating. The first three months of dating, you should assume he’s dating other people (and he should do the same), and you should use those three months to decide if you want to continue dating him. If you don’t, don’t waste your time any more. If you do, then use the next three months of dating to decide if you want to be monogamous. If after six months of dating, one of you isn’t ready for monogamy, then you should move on.

I hope that that helps. 🙂

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[girlygirl19]

Hello all!
It’s been a while since I’ve posted on here. I would like to hear some opinions of others and maybe even any suggestions. My very first boyfriend (who I mentioned in the very first post back in december) contacted me last week. He wanted to remain friends and while I was not really agreeable with that I said fine (knowing we would never really see each other again). Then a few days later he realized he really missed me. He said he had changed a few of his habits, was working on his anger, bettering his future and trying to be a better boyfriend. While I do realize I was desperate and lonely at the time I was with him, I cannot see to move on from him. When we spoke in person last week, he asked if I had slept with any other guys and while i could have lied and said no, I decided to be honest (and he knew exactly what he was getting himself into) and I said yes. He suddenly got up and walked out the room. I left and that was the end of it. I have not heard from him and send a message the following day to see how he was. Yes you all may say that I am crazy for even going to speak with him, but it is very hard to let go when I really did care for this man. Once he contacted me and said he missed me, those feelings came back all over agin. I guess I liked the idea of being wanted, I don’t really know. What I do know is that I do truly love him. I do not like ending things on bad terms and tried to be cordial and mature about this but now he will not answer my texts or emails. I haven’t tried calling because he probably won’t even pick up the phone. Forget him right? And since when does an ex girlfriend have to spend 4 months grieving over a breakup, by not having any involvement with other men. What I do when I am single is my business and we broke up with no guarantee of getting back together so why is he mad? How do I handle this situation?

[Ask April Masini]

The first rule I’ll clue you in on is that men and women can’t be friends. Clearly, you can see why, now. One person always has more feelings for the other at some time, and that creates drama, chaos, hurt feelings, etc. When you were honest with him, which is the way friends behave, he walked out. So much for friendship, right? 😉 Forget being friends with men in the future if you want an easier time of dating. 🙂 That’s just smart dating.

Next, you have to readjust some of your ideas about relationships. Just because you like being cordial and mature about ending relationships doesn’t mean the person you’re involved with feels the same way — or has the same resources that you do to behave the way you’d like. When you break up with someone, or end a relationship for whatever reason, sometimes, you the get the break up you get — whether or not you like it. 😕 Closure comes in many forms, and it isn’t always what one or both people would like, but it’s there if you look for it. His walking out on you and not returning your calls is closure. You don’t like it, I can tell, but I know you can accept it if you try. It should also help you move on, once and for all, from him. 😉

You’re angry at yourself now, for not following your instincts — when he called to befriend you after the break up, you knew it was a bad idea, but you went against your instincts. Now you feel like he took advantage of your good will and energy because he cut you off. Don’t blame him. He did the best he could. You’re the one who knew better — and didn’t follow through on your knowledge. 😉 You’re absolutely right about all your justifications — it was none of his business who you dated or slept with after the break up — and when he found out, he walked out.

Try to separate out feelings from behavior in the future. You can have feelings for someone — you can even love them — but it doesn’t mean there’s a relationship, or even a friendship with them, in your future. Love is great, but relationships that are functional and healthy require more than love. Sometimes, it’s better to leave love in your past, and try to find someone who’s not just a man you can love, but one who’s got the tools and resources to be your Mr. Right.

I hope that helps.

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[girlygirl19]

Thank you so much! Yes I am totally angry for not trusting my instincts and wasting my time and energy. I have been keeping myself busy and hanging out with friends. You’re right, women and men cannot be friends. It’s funny though because when we were dating, we broke up at least two other times and both times he gave me this silent treatment and next thing you know we were bad together a week or two later. Even my friends think because of his past behavior, he will probably contact me.
While I was thinking about it often, it has completely left my mind. I know I will meet someone in the future who is right for me. I also had problems with the fact that he doesn’t work or go to school and lives off of his uncle and is 22 years old. While I have a job and go to school full time. Not that every guy I date has to do what I do, but it is nice to know that your bf is capable of being an adult and providing for yourself somewhat.

[Ask April Masini]

It sounds like you’re getting yourself into a healthy mindset which is a great step towards meeting a man who’s going to be your Mr. Right. Good luck! 😀

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