[Anonymous]

Hi there I spoke to you a while ago about my partners family and that I found them very rude and controlling. Im from across the pond in Merry old England..

Well we have now moved intogether and his family only see him now and again as the live further away. My family live closer which has been an issue for his family.
We are so happy together and enjoying our life together and we would have hoped his family would have been happy for us too.

I invited his sister up as I wanted her to feel welcome in our home. She came up for a long weekend but spent the whole time looking thoroughly miserable. We tried our best to make her feel happy and welcome but she questioned why our friends were coming around to our new house and do they have to come all the time, which they didnt. She also continually wispered to my partner bad things about me which i heard, such as you sound really unhappy here, every time you ring me and mum you sound so unhappy is everything ok in your relationship you can tell me, he told her he was very happy and wanted to know why she had said this.
She brought up all of my partners ex’s saying that one in particular was the best person he dated and then looked at myself and said oh until he met you. She also tried to grab hold of my partners hand which I thought was crossing a line especailly as she is 26 my partner said no which she didnt like.
We spenty the whole weekend thoroughly miserable and all our energy was spent trying to make her happy. I dont care what she has to say about me as i feel her unkind words and behaviour are childish my concern is for my partner as he tries so hard to be a good brother and a son yet he gets grief in return. They are only nice when they want something. Im not sure how to approach this, do i let him deal with it or should i now stand up and say something. He is my life now and yes we have a much bigger family and families are important but some members are draining us of our happiness. Hope you can help and hope you are well. many thanks.

[Ask April Masini]

First of all, DO NOT stand up to your live in boyfriend’s family. It is ABSOLUTELY NOT your business to do so. If there is any standing up to them to be done, that’s his business — and the same goes for you with your family. That’s just a rule of thumb.

Second of all, you need to adjust your expectations. I know you figured everyone was going to shower you with love when you moved in together, but it sounds like his family isn’t living up to that. Understand they’re not happy about the two of you together, but that that’s not something you’re going to be able to change. If you stop expecting them to be nice to you, you may have an easier go of things.

Lastly, don’t invite his sister for a weekend again — at least not for a while. If she’s a bad guest then the obvious response is not to invite her back. You are new as a couple and it’s time to create the kind of life you are going to have together. That means that different people in your lives will take on new roles. Your boyfriend’s sister gets to fade into the background if she’s not nice. But don’t make a big deal about it. Be graceful, but be protective and always have good manners.

I hope that helps.

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