[jm04]

Hi April. My boyfriend and I have been together 3 years and have recently grown apart a lot. I’m 27 and he’s 33. I feel like we’ve become little more than strangers, just going through the motions of a relationship. This is very upsetting to me because I love him very much and care about him a lot, but I’m not sure if much can be done to save our relationship at this point. I apologize in advance for the novel and I apologize if I’m all over the place. I’m just very confused right now.

Our first two years together were sickeningly perfect. We were best friends, very in love, did everything together and got along great. We used to joke all the time that we were “one of those gross, sickening couples that annoyed all other couples” because of how great we were together. Everyone used to comment on how perfect we were for each other, our friends, families, even the girl behind the counter at the store said she had never seen two people look at each other the way we did. He was everything I could ever ask for and it seemed I was everything he could want too. After several failed long term relationships, I felt that I had finally found “the one.” In the beginning when we were just dating, I took things very slow and had no expectations. After a few months, I fell hard. Being with him was so easy, we made each other better by being together, we were so happy. I know that part of that was the excitement of being in a new relationship, but I don’t feel like that should have gone away completely after three years.

We started to have some issues about a year ago after moving in together. I was having a really difficult time making ends meet at the time, living in a horrible place that was making me sick, so he suggested that I come live with him. One problem: living with him was not in his own place, but in the basement of his parents’ house. His mother is incredibly overbearing and has been actively involved in our relationship since then and it has been a huge problem. It has caused a lot of issues and he always gets very defensive about it and always takes her side over mine. She’s unbearable, completely controlling and impossible to deal with. She controls every aspect of his life and wants to control every aspect of mine as well. She’s very mean and constantly throws little jabs at me, tries to argue constantly (which I don’t feed into because I don’t want to be disrespectful) and has started rumours about being me mentally ill and needing medication (which isn’t true) after she saw me crying hysterically after her son and I had a particularly bad fight. Every time I try to talk to him about the way his mother treats me, he automatically takes her side. She’s very phony when he’s around and I guess he thinks she’s nice to me because he doesn’t see the rest of what’s going on. She constantly tries to turn him against me and things will come out of his mouth that I know are coming from her. So our relationship has become the three of us, which he refuses to acknowledge and doesn’t see any problem with. Every time we have an argument, he runs to her and tells her everything, which further turns her against me. It’s gotten to the point where I feel like I have to get to her first when we argue, otherwise I’ll have the two of them against me. It’s a really messed up situation. I’ve already tried to suggest that we move out and get our own place, but he is dead set against it and his mother has warned me several times not to bring up moving out because it absolutely will not happen. Despite her need to constantly torment me, she’s convinced that her son and I are going to get married and have children together, seems to have our future all planned out and wanted to take me to look at engagement rings for when he decides to propose (entirely her idea, which he had no knowledge of).

We had a particularly bad fight about a year ago over a girl who was a friend of one of his friends. He was being a little sneaky and every time I saw this girl, she would be all over him and I’d be standing there like an idiot waiting for her to literally climb off of him. He swore that nothing was going on, but refused to tell this girl to back off either. It went on for months until I finally lost it, told her off and got into a war with him over it. He didn’t seem to care very much about how upset I was, so I left and went to stay with my parents (who live in another state) for a few months, which is something that he has never let me forget. Turns out nothing ever happened between the two of them and she was just trying to make me jealous and the whole situation was a misunderstanding. I decided to move past it and let it go for the sake of our relationship, but he constantly throws it in my face every time we have an argument. It’s always “I’ll never forget what you did to me and neither will my friends” and “I gave you enough chances when you left me to live with your parents.” I keep trying to tell him that it’s completely inappropriate to use old arguments and issues against each other if we’re trying to have a successful, happy relationship together, to which he responds that I make him bring these things up. When I ask him to elaborate, he refuses to.

I try to acknowledge when I’m wrong, apologize and make amends. I know I’m not perfect and I know that running off to my parents’ house after an argument was not the appropriate way to handle things, but he seems to forget that had he just told this girl to back off, we could have avoided this whole thing in the first place. But he (and his mother) make sure to always let me know that I was completely wrong in the whole situation and that everything was my fault. Whenever he does anything wrong and it starts an argument, the two of them always project it back on to me. If he hurts my feelings and I cry, it’s because I’m mentally ill and unstable, not because he’s being insensitive. I feel like I’m constantly apologizing and taking the blame for things just to avoid conflict and it really isn’t fair. I know that I’m far from perfect, but I can’t be all bad either. It always takes two to argue (or three, in this case).

In the beginning of May, I went away for six weeks to finish my bachelor’s degree (I dropped out of college before we met and I decided it was time to complete my degree so I would have more opportunities). We both discussed the idea, he agreed on it and we decided that while we were apart, I would do the school thing and he would work on getting a good job and we’d be better prepared to build our future together. I finished school, he found a great job and I came back and expected everything to be good. We kept in touch everyday while I was away, so I didn’t expect to come back to a complete stranger. Right before I returned, he told me that I shouldn’t come back right away and should give things more time. I didn’t and instead came back right away, because I missed him and didn’t see any reason to stay away any longer (plus I was trying to get a job). When I returned, all of his friends were acting very peculiar and seemed shocked to see me. I’m not sure exactly what he told them while I was away. When I ask him, he says that he told them I was away at school for a few weeks, but their reactions to me didn’t quite match up with his story. When I ask him why they reacted the way they did, he says it’s because they didn’t think I was coming back. Every time this conversation comes up, his answers are all over the place and don’t line up, so I’m not sure what to make of this.

One of his friends in particular seems to dislike me a lot suddenly (we never really had any issues in the past). He started spending a lot more time with this guy while I was away and I can’t help but wonder if this is part of the issue here. I’m not invited to anything that that particular group of friends does and if I do go, this friend of his makes sure to make me as uncomfortable as possible. He’s also made several rules that my boyfriend has to follow. He isn’t allowed to answer my calls or texts if they’re together (and I only call or text when it’s something important. I don’t bug him while he’s out). No plans can be made unless this friend says it’s ok, even if it’s just us and doesn’t even involve his friend. When the two of us do go out, my boyfriend is texting him the entire time. This guy’s wife told me that her husband has been telling my boyfriend not to “make the mistake” of marrying me and I often see him texting my boyfriend about other girls. Like I said, I had never had any issue with this guy until recently, so I’m not sure where this animosity came from. My boyfriend and I had an argument about it and he told me that if it came down to choosing me or his friend, he would choose his friend because he’s known him a lot longer. Now that my boyfriend is working elsewhere, he doesn’t spend as much time with this friend, but I still feel like the damage is already done.

Another unusual thing is that my boyfriend doesn’t want to do anything involving my family anymore. We used to hang out with my cousins a lot and go to my aunt’s house for dinner every once in a while, but now I pretty much go alone because he never wants to go. I managed to get him to come to a family dinner a few weeks ago and the whole time he was complaining that he wanted to go home, talked to no one (in the past he was always very talkative and got along well with my family) and then started a big argument with one of my cousins at the dinner table. Another one of my cousins is getting married soon and he’s trying to get out of going to the wedding with me. Based on his recent behavior, I wouldn’t be surprised if he decided not to go the day of, so I’m debating if I should just leave him off the RSVP altogether and go by myself. What’s odd is that he suddenly wants nothing to do with any of my family but I’m expected to put my life on the line for his if necessary.

He’s become very critical of me, jumps down my throat any time we disagree (even if it’s over something stupid like what music to listen to), and I feel like this is no longer a partnership but rather just about him. I’ve become just some girl that picks up after him and does his laundry. I felt that before we were working towards a common goal, but now I don’t feel that way anymore. I feel that anything he’s doing is just with his own future in mind, a future where I don’t exist. He’s incredibly distant, he’s incredibly distracted and he’s very hesitant to make any sort of future plans, even something as simple as dinner plans for the following week. Things that he and I had always done together, I’m no longer a part of. Instead, he makes sure to find a friend or family member to take my place. On the rare occasion where he can’t find anyone to go with him, he’ll take me, but I seem to be a last resort. Again, this is odd only because in the past, it was always a given that I would be included in his plans (aside from guys nights or similar things).

Whenever I try to discuss things, whenever I try to ask him what’s going on, he gets incredibly defensive, jumps all over me and tells me he doesn’t care and tells me that nothing is wrong and by me thinking that something is wrong, I’m being a liar and making things up. It’s impossible to communicate with him. He won’t acknowledge that something is wrong, when it clearly is, and I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel very lonely, I’ve become incredibly depressed and I feel so lost. I would do what I could to repair this relationship if it were possible, but I’m not feeling very hopeful. We’ve grown apart so much and his resistance to addressing any of this is making things even more difficult. I know that guys aren’t really into talking and feelings but I don’t know what to do. I can’t spend the rest of my life being lonely and miserable, completely pushed to the side because he refuses to acknowledge whatever is making him not want anything to do with me anymore. He’s adamant about the fact that nothing is wrong and that he has no desire to break up, but his behavior says otherwise. I’d say that maybe I was being too sensitive or paranoid, but his behavior has changed so drastically. It’s such a drastic change, that if his job didn’t regularly drug test, I would think he was using drugs.

[Ask April Masini]

It sounds like the relationship problems started when you moved in with him, a year ago, because you were having financial issues. The bigger problem is that your 33 year old boyfriend has been living in his mother’s basement for the entire 3 years you’ve been dating. 😕 I’m not sure how long he was living there prior to your dating, but when a 30 year old is living, permanently, with his mother, you’re getting involved in a relationship that has problems going in. I think that moving into his mother’s house just brought those issues to light. You’ve pointed out problems you’re having with his mother and with him, but the biggest underlying issue here is that he’s not independent. 🙁

My advice is that you move out of his mom’s house and try to become independent yourself. This may make you more attractive to him, and it’s how your relationship started, and that’s how it was when things were good between the two of you. 😉 When a long term relationship goes sour, it’s always helpful to know when it went sour and why, so you can reverse or amend behaviors. In addition, your moving out may take some of the pressure he’s feeling from his mother not liking you, off of the relationship since you’re not there to remind her that he’s in a relationship with you.

Moving out also positions you more advantageously in case the relationship doesn’t work out. Don’t forget — this is a 33 year old man who’s living with his mom. He may not make decisions that move him forward in a healthy, happy romantic relationship because his relationship with his mother may come first. This is important for you to know, and not ignore.

I hope this helps. Let me know if you have any questions, and please check in with me to tell me how things are going.

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[jm04]

Hi April. I broke up with my boyfriend of three years over the weekend and I’m having a really tough time getting through it. I know it’s normal to feel this way because it’s still so fresh, but I’m just really having a hard time understanding why this happened. To add to the pain of the breakup, we broke up on Saturday (Nov 14) and he’s already been on a date and started seeing someone new within two days. He swears that he wasn’t cheating on me during our relationship, but I don’t know what to believe anymore.

This especially hurts because our relationship was so wonderful for so long. It was really everything I could have ever asked for. I had never been so happy in my life. We took it very slow in the beginning, but we both ended up falling very hard for one another. Being with him was almost too easy. I felt that I had finally found “the one”. I was sure that this was it, that this was who I was going to spend my life with. He seemed to feel the same way. We moved in together, had plans for the future, everything was going great. We ran into a few obstacles eventually, but we overcame them and our relationship was still very good overall. About six months ago, he started becoming incredibly distant, very cold and very inconsiderate. I tried so hard to work through it, but he refused to communicate with me or work with me at all. These last few months, I felt like i was no longer his girlfriend, but instead I was just the person who did his laundry and was there to have sex with him when he wanted it. He no longer made time for me, wouldn’t go to weddings or events with me anymore and would constantly break plans to do something with someone else. I couldn’t allow him to keep hurting me, so I decided to call it quits. As much as I wanted to keep trying to make things work, I was fighting a losing battle and it was taking a huge toll on me emotionally, mentally and physically.

I’ve tried to recognize that the biggest issue here was his immaturity and that unfortunately, I can’t force him to grow up. At 34 years old, he had no desire to ever move out of his mother’s house, knew nothing about being an adult, made drinking with his friends a priority over everything else and really didn’t seem to want a relationship. I know that this relationship has been long over and that analyzing every aspect of why it failed is probably useless. But I just don’t understand what went wrong and I’m very hurt that he’s moved on within days. I also can’t help but blame myself for this. I tend to have a short fuse at times and I also tend to get very emotional. I sought counseling for a few months to address this and I felt like I made a lot of progress, but he maintains that I ruined our relationship by being upset (every time I was upset I felt that I had very good reason to be).

This is my third failed relationship and I’m only 27. My first relationship was four years in high school and we ultimately broke up because he wouldn’t stop cheating on me. My second relationship was six years and was incredibly abusive. This most recent one was three years and went so well for so long until he suddenly turned his back on me, seemingly out of nowhere. While all of the things that led to all three breakups seem to have been beyond my control, I can’t help but blame myself and feel like I’m doing something wrong. I can’t help but feel that all of my relationships have failed because of me. I am far from perfect, but I’d like to think that overall I’m a good person and have a lot to offer. Nothing seems to work out for me despite my best efforts. I’m so overwhelmed by the thought of having to start over again and I’m not very hopeful for the future. I’m not so sure that a happy, long lasting relationship is in the cards for me. I know that sounds incredibly negative and overly dramatic, but I’m just so tired of putting so much time and effort in relationships only to have them fail over and over again.

[jm04]

Hi April. I broke up with my boyfriend of three years over the weekend and I’m having a really tough time getting through it. I know it’s normal to feel this way because it’s still so fresh, but I’m just really having a hard time understanding why this happened. To add to the pain of the breakup, we broke up on Saturday (Nov 14) and he’s already been on a date and started seeing someone new within two days. He swears that he wasn’t cheating on me during our relationship, but I don’t know what to believe anymore.

This especially hurts because our relationship was so wonderful for so long. It was really everything I could have ever asked for. I had never been so happy in my life. We took it very slow in the beginning, but we both ended up falling very hard for one another. Being with him was almost too easy. I felt that I had finally found “the one”. I was sure that this was it, that this was who I was going to spend my life with. He seemed to feel the same way. We moved in together, had plans for the future, everything was going great. We ran into a few obstacles eventually, but we overcame them and our relationship was still very good overall. About six months ago, he started becoming incredibly distant, very cold and very inconsiderate. I tried so hard to work through it, but he refused to communicate with me or work with me at all. These last few months, I felt like i was no longer his girlfriend, but instead I was just the person who did his laundry and was there to have sex with him when he wanted it. He no longer made time for me, wouldn’t go to weddings or events with me anymore and would constantly break plans to do something with someone else. I couldn’t allow him to keep hurting me, so I decided to call it quits. As much as I wanted to keep trying to make things work, I was fighting a losing battle and it was taking a huge toll on me emotionally, mentally and physically.

I’ve tried to recognize that the biggest issue here was his immaturity and that unfortunately, I can’t force him to grow up. At 34 years old, he had no desire to ever move out of his mother’s house, knew nothing about being an adult, made drinking with his friends a priority over everything else and really didn’t seem to want a relationship. I know that this relationship has been long over and that analyzing every aspect of why it failed is probably useless. But I just don’t understand what went wrong and I’m very hurt that he’s moved on within days. I also can’t help but blame myself for this. I tend to have a short fuse at times and I also tend to get very emotional. I sought counseling for a few months to address this and I felt like I made a lot of progress, but he maintains that I ruined our relationship by being upset (every time I was upset I felt that I had very good reason to be).

This is my third failed relationship and I’m only 27. My first relationship was four years in high school and we ultimately broke up because he wouldn’t stop cheating on me. My second relationship was six years and was incredibly abusive. This most recent one was three years and went so well for so long until he suddenly turned his back on me, seemingly out of nowhere. While all of the things that led to all three breakups seem to have been beyond my control, I can’t help but blame myself and feel like I’m doing something wrong. I can’t help but feel that all of my relationships have failed because of me. I am far from perfect, but I’d like to think that overall I’m a good person and have a lot to offer. Nothing seems to work out for me despite my best efforts. I’m so overwhelmed by the thought of having to start over again and I’m not very hopeful for the future. I’m not so sure that a happy, long lasting relationship is in the cards for me. I know that sounds incredibly negative and overly dramatic, but I’m just so tired of putting so much time and effort in relationships only to have them fail over and over again.

[jm04]

I found out that a year ago, after we had that big fight, he started talking to this girl who he’s now seeing. So it all makes a lot more sense why he was so distant and refused to try to work towards any problems. He had someone else on standby this whole time.

[Ask April Masini]

I’m very sorry about your break up. I understand that you must be in a lot of pain. Let me try to give you some perspective.

* Three failed relationships by age 27 is not something you need to worry about. It’s normal. The idea is that you should try to be mindful of your dating processes. Try to think about why you choose the men you choose and what goes right as well as what goes wrong. Each relationship is a learning experience — if you choose to use it that way. So don’t worry about the three failed relationships. Instead focus on what you’ve learned, and what you want to do differently.

* Since you’ve had an abusive relationship, a relationship with cheating, and then this one, it might be time to give yourself a year or so to just be single and think about what it is you want in a relationship. You may be focusing on not being single instead of on finding someone compatible. People go into relationships for different reasons and if the goal is to find someone you have chemistry with, you will — but they may be abusive or cheat on you. If the goal is to slow down and figure out who your Mr. Right is, you’ll pass over guys who have chemistry but not other important qualities and wait for the guys who have the qualities you want, like character, motivation, kindness, etc.

[jm04]

Thank you for the kind words and reassurance, April. It really means a lot.

I’d like to give myself some time before getting into another relationship. I’m definitely not in a rush to try and trust someone again. I need time. Honestly, I’m afraid to even go on a date with anyone at this point. I’m so afraid of being betrayed and being hurt like this again. I’m afraid that I won’t be able to distinguish a genuinely good guy from someone who just seems to be good at that moment. I’m afraid I’m going to pick another guy who’s going to fool me and then screw me over again in the end.

There’s another thing that has been bothering me that I hope you can help me with. It relates to this whole situation. I tend to hold off on becoming physical with a guy until a relationship has been established or at least until things seem to be headed in that direction. Don’t get me wrong, there have been some exceptions to the rule, but generally I’m just not comfortable with the idea of sleeping with just anyone. Additionally, I tend to save my wild side for behind closed doors as opposed to flaunting it all over social media, which seems to be the norm these days. I feel that my way of doing things isn’t especially popular among my generation. Are there any guys who see this as a positive trait anymore? Or am I a complete dinosaur? This is another concern I have for when I eventually start dating again because I feel like I can’t compete with these other girls.

I’m bringing this up because although my ex would constantly comment on what a “good girl” I was and tell me it meant a lot to him that I had such good morals, everyone he’s been with before me and after me have been girls who are the complete opposite of me. The types of girls who post provocative photos online looking for attention, who have slept with all of his friends already, girls with substance abuse issues. I wasn’t aware of this prior to us dating but it gradually came out over time. Probably should have been a red flag, but again, maybe I’m the unusual one here.

[Ask April Masini]

There’s a phrase called “coming of age” used when you see the world around you and feel uncomfortable about your place in it. There are books and movies called “coming of age” art — artists use this phrase, “coming of age”, as a theme, and the big payoff for the “heroes” or the main characters of this art, is always figuring out their truth, and finding their place in the world, and it often means leaving behind what they thought was home to them — because although it once was, it is no more. You need to see yourself as that hero in the art that is your life. And you need to see yourself as the star of your life. You also need to find your new place in the world, as you rise above what you don’t want to be or be with.

You’re doing some really good personal work that is very difficult, by really looking at who you are, and who the people around you are, and what decisions you’ve made and why you’ve made them. Everything you describe to me, about yourself, seems like a wonderful set of qualities. You see them as anomalies in your social set. They’re what make you the cream of the crop. You’re discriminating in a good way. You have standards. And you want a relationship that has character, morality and deeper meaning. Trust your instincts, learn to listen to them.

Since you are afraid to date right now, use that fear to guide you away from the dating pool for now. As I said before, I think you should take a year off from dating to figure out, further why you chose the men you did, and what red flags you may have missed in these failed relationships you’ve had up until now. Use them as a road map to see where you got lost, where you got off track, and where you went wrong trying to get where you wanted to go, and didn’t. Look at the people around you, the choices you’ve made beyond your romantic relationships, and I trust that you are intelligent enough to figure out what your next steps will be.

[jm04]

Thank you so much, April. Again, the reassurance means so much to me and is so very appreciated. I’ve been so confused lately so I definitely appreciate you providing me with some clarity and direction. I’m going to spend the next few months doing some serious soul searching and hopefully will figure out exactly what I want in life. Thank you so much for your kind words and advice.

[Ask April Masini]

You’re very welcome. I hope you have a wonderful holiday season, and that you’ll come back and ask any questions you might have during that time.

[jm04]

Hi April. I hope you’re doing well. Thank you again for all of your kind words and advice while I was going through my breakup.

I’ve suddenly found myself back with my ex after nearly six months apart. After we broke up, I moved out of state to stay with my parents. I recently moved back into my own apartment. When he found out from mutual friends that I was back in town, he immediately texted me and pretty much begged to take me out. After a lot of resistance, I finally agreed to go for a drink and it was surprisingly enjoyable. We’ve gone out several times since then and he seems to be the sweet, thoughtful man that I fell in love with years ago. He puts a lot of effort into making things work again. However, I’m still not convinced that things are going to stay this way between us. I’m treating this as a new relationship. I’m letting him do all the work.

There are major issues with this relationship beyond our breakup six months ago and any arguments that we had around that time. He is very immature, has little ambition and has a very unusual relationship with his mother, whom I absolutely cannot stand. He is not controlling, but his family is. I cannot live like that and absolutely refuse to give up on my goals and what I want in life to please his family.

I would like your take on the situation please. I have never gotten back with an ex before. I still have feelings for him, but they are nowhere near what they were. Should I just enjoy the companionship and not have any expectations? Or is this a bad idea altogether?

[Ask April Masini]

He’s 34 and lives with his mother. 🙄

That should be the end of the conversation. Re-read your string of posts here.

My advice is that you should not get back together with him. Find a man who has his own home. His own job. And a family who likes you! 🙂

[jm04]

I think you’re right. Unfortunately, he’s not going to grow up.

Thanks, April!

[Ask April Masini]

You’re very welcome. 🙂

[Ethan Morales]

From what you’re saying, your boyfriend’s behavior isn’t just “a phase” or “stress from work” it’s a pattern of neglect, manipulation, and emotional control. Let me break it down:

His priorities have shifted: You’re describing a situation where his mother, his friends, and external influences have started controlling his life and your relationship. He takes their side over you, dismisses your feelings, and refuses to acknowledge legitimate problems. That’s triangulation, and it’s unhealthy.

You’re walking on eggshells: When your partner refuses to communicate, invalidates your feelings, and blames you for issues that aren’t your fault, it’s a form of emotional abuse. Crying or voicing concerns shouldn’t make someone call you “mentally ill” or dismiss you.

Isolation from your support system: He’s distancing you from your family and your friends, refusing to participate in your life, and making you feel like a last resort. That’s control disguised as “independence” or “personal space.”

Lack of accountability: He refuses to acknowledge past or present issues, uses old conflicts as weapons, and acts defensively whenever you try to discuss your relationship. Healthy partners work through problems they don’t weaponize them against you.

Your mental and emotional well-being is at risk: Feeling depressed, lonely, and like a stranger in a relationship that used to feel safe and happy is a huge red flag. Emotional neglect wears you down over time, and you’re already feeling it.

Here’s the truth: Right now, this relationship is toxic. Not just “rough patch” toxic he’s consistently dismissing, controlling, and devaluing you. The longer you stay in this environment, the more it will chip away at your self-esteem, mental health, and happiness.

Set boundaries immediately: Limit contact with his mother in your interactions. You are not obligated to participate in her control games.

Seek support: Talk to a therapist or counselor someone who can help you untangle your feelings, protect your boundaries, and regain your voice.

Evaluate the relationship honestly: Ask yourself if he’s the man you fell in love with, or if he’s become someone who puts others’ opinions and control above your feelings.

Plan for independence: Whether that means moving out, taking time apart, or even leaving the relationship, start preparing for a life where you are valued and respected.

You deserve a partner who chooses you consistently, respects you, and communicates openly. Right now, he isn’t doing that.

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