[fakefiancee]

My ‘fiancee’ only wears her engagement ring around me. Mostly. She has various reasons. It interfered with her work in retail clothing. She chewed her nails down to nubs and doesn’t want to attract attention to them by wearing the ring (but she let slip that she had been wearing a valentine ring I gave her on her right hand recently). When I need to refer to her in a conversation with someone else (or her) I call her my fiancee. When she talks about me to others (or to me), she refers to me as her ‘boyfriend’. I’ve asked a dozen women, ones I know, and ones I just happen to be talking to, in all kinds of relationships, married, divorced, dating, ‘never again’, what they would consider a valid reason to only wear it around me. Everyone said the same thing. NONE. Do you think they are ‘reasonable’ reasons?

She leased her house and moved in with me May 1st. Then she left me and moved to Maryland 3 and a half months later, where her son, daughter and 3 year old granddaughter live, and where she lived for 30 years with her first husband. Her son and daugher-in-law got her a 10 week temp job making good money. She swore to me with tears running down her face that she would be back at the end of the contract, with money in the bank and everything would be better. (She had lost her GOOD job in June of 2010). Once she got there, she said she wasn’t moving back with me and had never intended to. (Sometimes I think the only times I KNOW she’s telling the truth, is when she refuses to answer a question. It’s the answer I would least want to hear. Her silences don’t lie). We had a lot of hasrh words for a month or so, then settled down to being ‘engaged’ in a long distance relationship. She’s been back for short vists 3 times. She always showed up wearing the ring except the last time (New Years). I made a comment and she said she had intended to put it on before she got here. I told her I DID NOT want her putting it on as she drove up the driveway, and taking it off as she drove away. So she didn’t wear it at all this last visit. But said she was going to wear it as soon as her nails grew back out.

She was going to live in Maryland till she retired (at least 4 years). She lasted 4 months. Fed up with her son, daughter and granddaughter, and her former in-laws. Her last visit with me was on her way to Pensacola where she grew up and was going to retire to, eventually. Three sisters and a brother live there, and she is going to live with one of them until her new job starts and gets a place of her own. At Thanksgiving she talked to her sisters and brothers for 2 hours about how she wanted to live there and have her own place and be on her own. My name was not mentioned one time in all of that, with me sitting there. I finally got up and walked out. I find out stuff that she doesn’t ‘feel comfortable’ talking to me about, by listing to her conversations with her family members.

My house if full of her stuff from one end to the other (decorations on every wall, a bedroom full and my basement full) and her mail still comes here. I’ve been her storage building and post office for 5 months and probably a few months more. At least. People tell me to dump her and after legal notice, get rid of her stuff (she has no where to store it until she DOES get her own place) and to send her mail back with ‘no longer at this address’ written on it. Her sisters tell HER to ‘cut me loose and let me get on with my life’. (I guess they know things she’s said about us that I don’t know). BUT we dicussed it and she doesn’t want to let me go and I don’t want to dump her.

Somedays though, I think the only reason I hang on is to have someone to talk to, and not wanting to get back in the dating game, which sucks. But I figure that even though she says she doesn’t want anyone else and is not looking, one day she will tell me she’s found someone, goodbye. Of course that could happen to me, but it’s much more likely with her (her sisters call her a flirt, but she says shes just being friendly). But at Thanksgiving and in December she told me things about talking to men on the plane and how they were about to ask for her phone number (one lives where she’s moving to), and wearing sexy clothes I bought her, to a Christmas party in Maryland for ‘couples only’, but she says she was alone. She had to know those things could ONLY hurt me and make me feel insecure. No one I talk to understands it. They just keep telling me to dump her.

Occasionally she talks about ‘when we retire together’, and sometimes she avoids the subject of a possible future together. She wants to see me at least once a month. (me drive 7 hours each way. It was 12 hours to Maryland which I couldn’t do).

I’m just lost as to how to deal with it.

Jim

[April Masini, your AskApril]

This is easy: You should break up with her because she doesn’t treat you well and it isn’t clear she cares about you as anything more than someone to take care of her when she needs it. You could do a lot better with pretty much anyone at the mall on Saturday. 😕

Buy and read Date Out of Your League, [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/date-out-of-your-league.html[/url], a book I wrote for men who want to win with women. You need it — and it’s going to help you find Ms. Right because the woman you’re with is far from it. 😳

Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[fakefiancee]

Before she left me and moved to Maryland (when I still thought she was coming back), she said “I know after I’m gone, you’ll probably get back on the dating website (were I met her), and I want you to know it’s o.k. with me.” I freaked out. After she was in Marylnad (but before I knew she was not moving back) I asked “How could you say such a thing?” She said “Well I was the one leaving you, and I thought I owed you that freedom if you wanted to take it.”

About 3 months later, if I didn’t answer the phone on the first ring, or missed a call from her, she would ask in this sticky sweet voice “Have you been on a date?”, “I’ll bet you’ve been on a date, haven’t you?” “Have you got a date?” Then one Saturday when I went 40 miles to get work done on my car and run other errands where I use to live for 8 years, she called. And since I wasn’t back home yet, she started asking in that same sticky sweet voice “You’re not home yet? Where have you been? Where have you been?”

I got so ticked off, I DID sign up on an obscure dating website. Within 2 hours 3 women had written. I met all 3 within the same week, two lunch dates and one dinner date. I then decided that was 3 too many! One wanted to be my mother and social secretary. One had an 18 year old son who THOUGHT he was her mother (wanted to come on the lunch date). And one that went great. For a little less than a week. The day after our dinner date, she asked me to come over the next Saturday to her place for dinner and bring a movie I had mentioned. She then called me Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and everything was good. Then I wake up to an email sent 2 hours after our last conversation that said “My life is crazy, I’m freaking out, and our lifestyles are different. I’m sorry.”

I know my ‘fiancee’ isn’t a flawless diamond. She’s a semi-precious stone at best. But I ask myself “Why throw away a semi-precious stone looking for a diamond in dumpsters and landfills, when one might not be there?”

Jim

P.S. I ordered the book you suggested.

[specialgirl]

she treats you like -rap..why would you want to be with her? and you get nothing from this rel.. wheres the love? the commitment? the fun? the passion? and shes totally disrespecting you taking her ring off..she could get fake nails to show off her ring if she really wanted to..she doesnt want to..

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I only give advice — I don’t enforce it! 😆 I don’t think she’s your Ms. Right, but if you’re not ready to let go — I’m here when you need me! 😉

[fakefiancee]

As you suggested, I ordered the book ‘Date out of your League” (which hasn’t arrived yet), but I got to thinking. I really don’t want to date out of my league. I don’t want a 9 or a 10. Remember the old song ‘When you’re in love with a beautiful woman, you watch your…….”

What I really want is someone who shares my interests, my likes and dislikes, as much as possible. My ‘fiancee’ and I are on opposite sides of politics, our ideal vacation spots are complete opposites. We have the same taste in movies (that’s about all I can think of). last weekend I decided I should go to a location where there were things I was interested in, and hang out. I lasted about 30 minutes, and drove home. All the women were with their husbands and kids, and I really have a hard time doing recreational things by myself. It bores me to death to be there by myself (a self defeating situation).

Any suggestions?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

If you don’t like doing things by yourself, then don’t. 😉 But do join a class, a team, a club or meet up with other singles. There are lots of ways to put yourself out there, but they’re not all going to be right for you, so you have to figure out what works best in your life.

Thank you for buying Date Out of Your League, [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/date-out-of-your-league.html[/url], and I hope you’ll read it with an open mind. Whether or not you’re looking for a 10 or a 7, you WILL get tips and advice on finding love with someone who’s right for you!

Dating well isn’t easy — but it’s well worth it. Nothing great is every easy, and I think you’re on the right track looking for someone who does share your interests instead of your oppositions. 🙂

Good luck to you!

And please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

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