[hunterjp]

I need a little bit of guidance because i am very torn on how I should feel and proceed. The girl i am seeing, dating i would not call my girlfriend but we both openly have strong feelings towards each other and have interest in turning this into a “committed” relationship. For now while we are dating she wants to have sex with other guys to “have her fun” and is not looking for them to become anything more. I am ok with this for now because i think it helps test the strength of our attraction and all the rest. How long should I let this run before we reevaluate? If we still have this mutual attraction and interest in having a committed relationship I don’t want it to be open. I am not insecure and do not have trust issues but i don’t see the purpose in carrying out an open relationship. In a sentimental sense i want to give myself to her and honestly do want the same back. I am open to a lot of things sexually but I can’t reconcile sleeping with other people separately with loving one another. I have been trying to feel differently about this but i don’t know if I can.

[AskApril Masini]

Your feelings are valid, as are hers. The problem is that you’re looking for a commitment and she’s not. 😕 You like each other, but she’s interested in playing the field, and you’re looking for someone who’s wanting monogamy and is very clear about that. It’s an incompatibility that you have between you right now. 🙁 It’s tough to have this type of gap in your relationship goals when you both like each other, but the reality is that you’re not going to get what you want from her by sticking around so she can see you and other guys as well. In fact, you’re more likely to win her over, by standing by your convictions. 😉 If you let her know you like her way too much to share her, and then move on because of that, she may find you more attractive and see what it is she’s missing. 😎

When people stay in relationships because they’re afraid of losing someone, at the expense of what they know is right for them, it never works in the long run. People stay in the friend zone because they’re afraid of losing contact even though they’d rather be dating, and you’re staying in her “dating pool” because you’re afraid of standing up for the relationship that you really want, for fear of losing her. Time to show her who you really are and what you really stand for! 😉

[Sally]

You’re not confused because you’re insecure, you’re confused because your heart wants something clear and steady, and the situation isn’t that. Wanting to give yourself fully to one person and wanting that back is pretty basic, not old-fashioned or controlling.

You’re trying to be open because you like her and don’t want to lose her, but you’re also quietly hurting and hoping you’ll feel different later. That’s the part you should listen to.

If you already know you don’t want an open setup long term, don’t force yourself to adjust just to keep her around. Attraction can be real and still not line up in timing or values. Give this a clear time limit in your own head, and if nothing changes, be honest.
Love shouldn’t feel like you’re talking yourself out of what you want.

[Member]

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