[kezara]

I have been intimately involved with a man for about 8 weeks after being friends for 2-3 months prior. We get along really well, he has been very generous financially both buying me things (Christmas in particular) and paying for many things for my vechicle (in dire need of many repairs) as I dont earn nearly as much $ as he does. I recently introduced him to 2 of my girlfriends and they think he is wonderful. I always thought until now he was an amazing rare generous man. He has hinted the last few weeks that he thinks he “more than likes me” and recently said he has fallen in love with me. I dont feel the same way, thank god-you will see why below:
The problem is this: we stupidly had unprotected sex many times, and then one day I saw a bunch of little blisters on his penis, which can only mean 1 thing-herpes. I was last tested for stds in June and was all clear. I have only been with 1 other man since June and we used a condom. Obviously now I am sure I have got it, I am going for my test results in an hour, I am so stressed. When I saw his blisters we were laying on the bed (hadnt yet had sex) I said “what are those little blisters all over your ^*^&?? You didnt have them before.” He just ignored me and kept his eyes closed. Stupidly I didnt push it or mention it since but didnt have sex with him for a week-10 days, partly because I then got what are all the symptoms of thrush-hot, red, burning down below, which I treated with Canesten and it went away, but not immediately as it always has in the past when I’ve had thrush, but the day after. I am now looking and feeling normal down there, and never got blisters. But stupidly I have had sex with him 1-2x since with a condom-dont know why!!? I know he will blame me and I will blame him. I am convinced I would/do have herpes now, and if the results today dont show it, it will show in the next 3 months. He has said he hasnt been with anyone since him and his wife seperated a year ago, she has been overseas for the past 4 months. But he has said he has lots of female friends (who when they call he always walks away from me to talk too) who all want him but he’s not interested. Yeah right.
Unfortunately we live together and I want to confront him when he gets back tonight but he has threatened if I ever gave him an std he “wouldnt get mad but even, ie: by ruining my car.” Also I have nowhere else to go until my car is fixed. I dont know what to do, I wont be able to hide my upset if my results come up positive…PLS HELP!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

First of all, I’m not a medical doctor, so I can’t advise you on medicine, but I can tell you to make sure and see your doctor and ask his or her advice on any sexually transmitted disease.

But what I can tell you is that when you asked him about the blisters on his genitals and he failed to answer and ignored you, he wasn’t taking your health or your best interests to heart. That was the moment to leave. Anyone who would put you at risk, [i]knowingly[/i], isn’t a good person. So that’s the first reason you shouldn’t be involved with him.

The second concern is that you’re living with him after only eight weeks of romance! 😯 This is too soon in the getting to know you process, to be this committed — and if you’d known now what you knew when you moved in with him, I trust you wouldn’t have. 😳

Third, this guy is married. 😯 And he’s probably cheating on you, as you’ve hinted.

So, my advice is that you move out now. I don’t buy for a second, your excuse that you have nowhere else to go. Call a parent, a sibling, a cousin, a neighbor, a friend or a friend of a friend and ask if they know a place you can move to because you made a mistake moving in with this guy and you’re in a jam. Since you have a job, look for a roommate, a YMCA situation or a room for rent in a house until you can make enough money to get your car fixed — or else move somewhere near public transportation so you’re not dependent on your car.

Let me know how things go, and please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 😀

[kezara]

Thank you April for your reply. I feel stupid and embarrassed, it sometimes takes someone else’s perspective to really see things how I should. Firstly, all my tests came back negative, thank goodness. The dr recommended I get another blood test in 3 months to be sure, which I will. When he returned I told him I went for tests and have been stressed and asked him why he ignored me when I pointed out the blisters. He said he didnt hear me and has had a condition for many years caused by food allergies called partial bajet syndrome that occassionally causes blisters or ulcers on the 2 most sensitive parts of his body-his penis and in his mouth. I was dubious whether or not to believe him so looked up partial bajet syndrome with various spellings and it does not exist!! I told him on Friday we would not be having sex again and I wanted him to show me written results of a thorough std test which he agreed, but now I am worried again (abt herpes) as he obviously lied. I will confront him about that tonight, will be interesting to see how he explains his way out of this one!

We were/are living together as just housemates then we got involved after I met some of his friends and family and confirmed his marriage has been over for a year and she is staying overseas permanently, but as he is still legally married I never should have gone there, I never have been intimate with a married man before, seperated or not, it is not the right thing to do. I am not feeling good about it. I will be moving out shortly. If he can produce clear test results we may stay friends, who knows.

Thanks again April for your thoughts and advice.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

The good news is that you’re facing your problems head on, and although you’re uncomfortable, you’re not sticking your head in the sand. 😀 Everybody makes mistakes, but how we handle the results of the mistakes is what’s important. 😉

This guy isn’t very honest, and that he would now lie about herpes, means you really can’t trust him. My advice is to continue seeing your physician and make sure he’s aware of your exposure to herpes and ask him for medical advice – then follow it.

And from now on, if you are going to have sex, don’t have it with someone you don’t know well, and never have unprotected sex unless you’re trying to get pregnant. I’m glad you’re moving out. But I don’t think this is someone you should remain friendly with at all. Your life is going to be a lot better without him in it. You don’t need anyone in your life who lies and puts your health at risk with such abandon. Remember — if he’s doing this to you, he’s doing it to other people, too. Your friendship would be an endorsement of his character. Use this experience to better yourself and your circle of friends. 🙂

Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[kezara]

Hi again April,

Thanks for your msg and support. He claims he has Behcet Syndrome, which I made him show me on the net, I spelt it wrong in my search so it didnt come up. It does exist, with the symptoms he had, and he said I could meet his dr to clarify he has it. Hopefully that is all it is he has, I guess I will know in 3 months. Behcet’s is not contagious. But anyways he is moving 6 hours away for another job next month so that works out well. If I was true to myself and my values I wouldnt have ever got intimate with him in the first place as he is still legally married and is not my type physically (the attraction is only emotional, and that is not enough, particularly for anything lasting). We basically have been friends with benefits, never boyfriend-girlfriend, and I made it clear I wasnt his gf yesterday when he told someone I was the other day. I guess I got involved with him because at 35, I am increasingly doubting I will ever meet a man who is truly my type; they all are either not my type emotionally, physically or both…seems all the good ones my age are taken. Are there any other women out there (particularly women in their 30s and 40s) who end up “settling” for someone they dont really fancy because you dont think you will meet the one perfect for you? Be interested in hearing your thoughts. I guess you kiss a lot of frogs b4 you meet your prince as they say. Anyways live and learn. It’s better to be single and true to yourself than be with the wrong person I think (but easier said than done). It’s just lonely sometimes, as I travel for work I never meet single men my age who are my type…doubt I ever will, not in this country anyway, dont fancy many Australian men. Luckily my biological clock is not ticking, just would love to meet someone who fits what I want as a life long companion. Would be nice to hear other member’s thoughts….been plenty of views.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Your honesty is very brave — and I hope you’ll continue confronting yourself head on. You’re right that it’s harder to find a good man at 35 than it is at 25 — but it’s DEFINITELY possible. The problem is that you have to work to find Mr. Right. My advice is that you read Think & Date Like A Man, [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url], a book I wrote for women who want to find, get and keep Mr. Right. I think it’s going to help focus you at a time in your life when you could use it. You can get it on the link I just gave you or on the websites for Amazon and Barnes & Noble.

Let me know how things go, and please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[Member]

Posts