[smaggy]

Hi April,

A bit of background: Partner and I have been together for 3.5 years, and living together for almost 2 years.

He tried to hit on this girl when they were working together in mid-2012. I sort of confronted and warned him (we were only dating for 4 months back then). By end of 2012, he then changed jobs and did not meet that girl since.

3 years later (now), all of the sudden he contacted her and asked her out for work lunch twice this month (2 weeks apart). He didn’t tell me about this. Normally for 1-1 lunch with female work friends, sometimes he would tell me, sometimes not. I don’t really care either as I trust him and I know they are just normal work lunches.

The other day we went out and all of the sudden, he told me this girl was going to see Maroon 5. I was just saying wow tix must be expensive. I found it strange when he talked about her after 3 years so I went to this phone and knew about the first lunch he initiated.

As for the second one, I had half a day off work so I texted him for lunch in the city at around 1:30-2pm to give a bit of time buffer for public transport. He said he had meeting at 2pm so I cancelled it. I then got to the city at 12:50pm. I texted him saying I’m in the city buying milk tea but he didn’t reply. That wouldn’t be a hell of an issue as sometimes we didn’t reply each other’s texts if it’s not important. But with female instinct, when he gave me his phone to reply to a friend’s message, I took it as an opportunity to take a quick glance of his inbox. I found out he texted the girl for lunch 5 minutes after I cancelled him. This means he didn’t reply to my milk tea text because he was having lunch with her then. That is the second lunch after 2 weeks of the first one.

TLDR: Partner went for lunch twice in a month with an ex-coworker who he tried to hit on before.

1. Does it look normal as in he just wants to get back in touch with a friend? He doesn’t have many friends here (migrating from the US) so I just don’t wanna be said being jealous/selfish when the situation is actually not what I am thinking.

2. Should I wait till another lunch takes place to conclude things are suss?

3. If I talk to him now, how should I do to not make him thinking I invaded his phone privacy or controlling his social life? I wouldn’t check his phone for no reason. I am sure I won’t be able to get on his phone again after this incident, so I wouldn’t know if there is any more “lunch” taking place in the future unless he is willing to tell me. I feel like I am losing trust on the one I’ve been wholeheartedly loving and trusting…

Thanks

[AskApril Masini]

I think you should approach this differently than a confrontation. 😉 Here’s why:

Your live in boyfriend has been interested in this woman for years. Looking back, I would have advised that if you’re dating someone for 4 months and he expresses interest in someone else, instead of blocking that interest, compete for him instead. Because you shut down that interest for him, early in your relationship, by “warning him” against her, it sounds like the result has been that he has had a candle burning for her all this time. 😕 I know that she seemed like a threat at the time, and she was, but the reality is that dating is competitive, and when you find that someone you’re dating is interested elsewhere, it’s a good idea to win him over, not shut out the competition by closing the door to her. In the short term, you won, but in the long term, you may not have — plus, you end up investing a lot of time and energy who ultimately may be more interested in someone else, should opportunity arise.

So now that she’s back in his life, my suggestion is to not shut her down, but to compete for him, and make him want YOU, not her. If you need advice on how to do that, let me know — but my suggestion is not to have a discussion or to denigrate her. Instead, adopt the advice about keeping your friends close, and your competition closer. He’s going back to her for a reason. If you can understand the reason and give him what he’s looking for — in the relationship [i]you[/i] have with him, so he doesn’t look elsewhere, that’s the real win.

Let me know how things go.

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[Natalie Noah]

You handled this quietly and carefully and your feelings are valid. Two lunches in a month with a woman he previously tried to hit on, plus the fact he didn’t tell you and texted her right after you cancelled him, reasonably trigger suspicion and hurt. Trust isn’t just the absence of betrayal; it’s also the presence of respectful transparency. Even if those lunches really are innocent, the secrecy around timing (not telling you, texting while you were in the city) is what’s eating at you and that’s what needs attention, not whether she’s “a friend” or not.

Have a calm, non-accusatory conversation where the goal is to get information and restore safety, not to punish. A short script that works: “I want to talk because I felt hurt when I learned you had lunch with X twice and I wasn’t told. I looked at your messages and that makes me uncomfortable I’d rather be honest about that than hide it. Can you tell me what these lunches were about, why you reached out to her now, and why you didn’t tell me?” Say how it made you feel (ignored, excluded, uneasy) and ask for the behavior you need: “If you meet one-on-one with her again, please tell me in advance or invite me to join. I need openness so I don’t assume the worst.” That keeps the focus on repairing trust and setting reasonable boundaries rather than on secrecy or control.

Watch his response and patterns. If he answers openly, apologizes for the lack of transparency and offers to include you or be clearer going forward, that’s a good sign. If he gets defensive, minimizes your feelings, or continues meeting her without telling you, that’s a red flag about priorities and respect. You don’t have to decide everything in one talk gather information, set the boundary you need, and then decide whether his actions match his words. Trust is rebuilt by consistent small actions; ask for those, and see if he’s willing to give them.

[Aida Omar]

AskApril, your way of advising is amazing, and I salute your psychological approach 👏 that you shouldn’t be afraid of this girl, but make yourself better.
And don’t fight with your partner because fighting. Your partner will move away from you.
I think don’t tell him you checked his phone. When a man feels like he’s been caught, he gets defensive.
When he feels like you’re completely unaware and happy, he gets scared. Why is she so relaxed? Why doesn’t she care about mine?

[Member]

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