[Peter42]

Hello April. Thanks for providing a great forum!

I’ve been dating a woman for the last couple of months. I think she is a wonderful girl, but I’m just not very sure how I feel about her. This is a bit of a different experience for me…Past dating experiences (excluding back in college), have either been one way or the other. Either it’s been an instant spark, leading to a LTR or no connection at all leading to one or two dates and moving on.

I met this girl about a year ago. We live in the same neighborhood and both started serving on the home owners’ board last year. I was still in a LTR with my then fiancé, but it was near it’s end (that ended last February my mutual agreement…after almost five years together, we finally admitted that as much as we liked each other, we just weren’t right for each other and have remained friends since) and she was “playing the field.”

I’m 39 with a teenaged daughter and married once before. She is 35, no children and never married.

We got to know each other and had a lot in common and became friends. She would tell me about the awful dates she would go on, I would tell her what awful creatures men can be and that led to a nice friendship. After the breakup with my finance, I started dating a little and ran into a few doozies and we discussed those sorts of things and it was nice.

Soon, if became easy to see that she was interested in dating me, but I was hesitant for two reasons…1) I wasn’t sure I was right for her…she seemed to still have an interest in marriage and children…I’m not opposed to marrying again, but have no interest in more children or a step mother for my daughter; and 2) I did not find myself as physically attracted to her as I’m used to…all of my past interests have been petite girls with nice boobs and a great butt…this girl is very pretty, but she is tall with a very athletic build…broad shouldered and wide in the hips. By no means is she over weight, but just not what I am used to…she is probably a size 10 or 12, when I’m usually attracted to size 2 or 4 (that sounds very shallow…I’m not shallow like that, but that’s just a fact of what I’m normally attracted to).

I finally took her out on a date this fall…I was intentionally very casual about it. I knew she was interested (heck even my own daughter had been telling me I should ask her out because she was giving me, in her words, “the look”), but I didn’t want to make ting awkward between us if it didn’t work out. So after helping her with a DIY project at her house one day, I suggested we get cleaned up and get something to eat (not necessarily a date…which I know is bad form, but I wanted to be safe here)…she obliged…it was very cute how she played it cool, but I could tell she was very excited. We had a wonderful evening and at the end of the night, after much hesitation, we kissed and she told me it was about time, etc.

Since then we’ve continued to hang out in the ways we did before, but now it is more like a dating relationship such as sitting close on the sofa, kissing goodbye, etc. We have slept together and that has been very nice, but due to my daughter only going to her mother’s on rare occasions, it is difficult for me to have overnight guests very often, so our physical relationship hasn’t been terribly active.

The thing is, I’m just fine with it this way. I’m not dying to sleep with her every chance I get, like I was with my ex fiancé and ex wife when I first met them. I am just fine with the casual dinner and cuddling on the sofa.

My difficulty is that I don’t really know how I feel about this girl. I am not head-over-heels for her like I have been with others. Is that because I am not physically attracted to her or is it because we have a much better connection on an emotional and intellectual level than I’m used too and the physical attraction just isn’t as necessary?

I am thinking that if I continue dating her based on my attraction to her emotionally and socially, the physical attraction part will solve itself…is that even possible or am I selling myself short?

Thanks in advance for any thoughts you have!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like things are fine, but you’re concerned that this relationship is not like the ones you had with your ex wife and your ex-fiance, where there was a lot of lust. It’s pretty normal to want to repeat patterns you’re familiar with because they’re easy, but consider that your sexual attraction to the two women you had failed relationships with, may have blinded you to flaws that ultimately were part of the relationships’ failures. Since you seem to be enjoying things with this woman, I think you should focus on getting to know her further, and at the same time, seeing if you can spice up the relationship so you feel more attracted. Second marriages are not necessarily repeats of first marriages — there may be different focuses and different reasons for marrying. If you’re not having a good time and you don’t feel that the relationship is valuable to you, then you should let go and move on, but if you’re having a good time, and there is value in the relationship, you might want to consider exploring it further, for now.

I hope that helps.

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[Peter42]

Thank you…very good advice.

[quote=”April Masini”]consider that your sexual attraction to the two women you had failed relationships with, may have blinded you to flaws that ultimately were part of the relationships’ failures. [/quote]

You couldn’t be more right about that! This was especially true with my ex-fiance. From the very beginning the physical attraction and chemistry was very good. That combined with fact that we were both kind and compassionate people heavily masked the fact that we just didn’t haven’t much in common at all. We just didn’t see eye-to-eye on some very important things, which built tension and led to resentment. We were both making sacrifices and compromises of our own values that the other never saw as compromise. We always thought the fact that we were both juts good people and very attracted to one another it would all work out…it just wasn’t enough and as I have often heard…good sex will mask bad relationships for along time.

Thanks again. I am looking forward to getting know this new woman in a way much different than what I am used to. We have many similar interests in terms of culture and entertainment as well more important things like careers, religious beliefs and finances. It is a very nice change, just unfamiliar not having the physical magnetism, but I think following your advice of spicing things up will make things even more exciting.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m glad I could help.

It sounds like you’re really processing what happened in your failed relationships in order to be successful in future relationships. That’s the work that will bring you happiness. 😀

You might want to take a look at a book I wrote for couples who want to get the X back into their sex lives. Since you’re not exactly that prototype — but you’re also not exactly NOT that prototype, you might want to buy and read this one: [b]Romantic Date Ideas[/b], [url]https://askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/romantic-date-ideas.html[/url].

Good luck!

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
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And… you can follow my interviews and advice in the press on Twitter [i]@AskAprilcom[/i][/b]

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