[anna070]

Hi April,

Please help me with my situation as I am going crazy!

My bf and I got back together 2 months ago and its been great. I broke up with him because he wasnt giving me his all. He came back and finally told me he loved me and he realized how he was acting was wrong. He told me he is lucky to have me and he needs me. He has been having major business issues where he could potentially lose 5 years of work that he has put in towards a project. His deals arent going through and he has been very depressed over that. He cried to me last week and this week he changed. He told me on Wednsday night that he wasn’t in the mood to talk ( bceause during the day a deal that was supposed to go through didn’t). I told him he was hurting my feelings by doing that and next day he did not contact me at all! Its not like him. On Friday I texted him and said that I dont know hwta I did to him for him to act this way and that he needs to talk to me because I am trying. He explained that the deal wasn’t going through like he thought and it dejected him for a few days. I then said I am trying my best to help you and make you feel good but you made me feel sick to my stomach by not contacting me. I also said that I am here for him always and I loved him. He said I love you too and thats it. Yesterday onSaturday ( we always get together on the weekend, its been our regular thing) He texted me in the evening saying ” sorry feel like being alone right now” He was very cold and short and didnt say anything to make me feel like its not me. I texted him today saying ” Thinking of you. Missing and love you”. He hasnt replied all day. I am going to leave it alone for a few days BUT how long do I wait? I cant wait forever for him to reach out. I respect his decision but he also cant leave me hanging. I feel like he will be breaking up with me or something..

[April Masini, your AskApril]

People react in different ways to bad news. Your boyfriend is having a rough time in business, and for men especially, business tends to define them. That his is failing is feeling more to him than just a business failing. He probably feels that he is failing in very personal ways. He has been backing away from you because he’s not getting what he needs from you at this time in his life. Instead of supporting him, you’re being needy. I understand that you want attention, but this isn’t a normal time for him. This is a time when you have to pull it together and be supportive of what he’s going through, and put your needs on the back burner. Instead of supporting him, it sounds like you’re demanding at a time when he’s vulnerable.

My advice is to turn things around, by being generous and making his needs a priority right now. Hopefully, this attitude shift in you will cause one in him. 😉 In relationships, these types of things happen, and you have to put the person going through the crisis, first.

I hope that helps.

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[anna070]

So should I leave him alone and not texting him at all? What if a week goes by without him contacting me?

[anna070]

I am also confused WHY it is so hard for a person to simply send a short text or a reply saying I love you and I miss you too. There is no need to be short and ignore me completely. I am not asking to speak on the phone or asking him questions. SImply want a short sweet reply.

[anna070]

I think the reason why i am freaking out is because we have already broken up 2 times. Last year right before summer he pulled away from me and we didn’t see each other for 2 months and then got back together. He admitted that he wasn’t sure about us so he pulled away. Then I broke up with him 2 months ago because he wasn;t giving me his all and was holding back a lot. After 2 months of being broken up he asked me for dinner and shortly after told me he loved me which he never has before. I know this time its work stress BUT i always have a fear that he is also getting “cold feet” with me.

Now its hard for me to just think its stress and he will come back around. I have a fear of him walking away of fearing commitment and this issue only adds on to his plate.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

[quote]So should I leave him alone and not texting him at all? What if a week goes by without him contacting me?[/quote]

If you do text him, only do so to be supportive, complimentary and upbeat. Don’t put your needs ahead of his, while he’s in career crisis. Be generous. 😉

[quote]I am also confused WHY it is so hard for a person to simply send a short text or a reply saying I love you and I miss you too. There is no need to be short and ignore me completely. I am not asking to speak on the phone or asking him questions. SImply want a short sweet reply.[/quote]

You need to put yourself in his shoes and try to imagine what it’s like for him to contact you when he feels that you’re needy while he’s in this crisis. Empathy will help you get through this confusion. I understand that you think it’s no big deal — but if he’s not feeling it, and he’s the one going through the crisis, you’ll get a lot further in the relationship by being generous, instead of needy.

[quote] think the reason why i am freaking out is because we have already broken up 2 times. Last year right before summer he pulled away from me and we didn’t see each other for 2 months and then got back together. He admitted that he wasn’t sure about us so he pulled away. Then I broke up with him 2 months ago because he wasn;t giving me his all and was holding back a lot. After 2 months of being broken up he asked me for dinner and shortly after told me he loved me which he never has before. I know this time its work stress BUT i always have a fear that he is also getting “cold feet” with me.

Now its hard for me to just think its stress and he will come back around. I have a fear of him walking away of fearing commitment and this issue only adds on to his plate.[/quote]

It sounds like this fear you have of his leaving you, is causing you to act out, rather than support him. You’re acting on the fear — not on his crisis. It’s going to be hard for you to separate the two, but if you can, you’ll find that supporting him is going to make him grateful, and the gratitude is going to cause him to be more caring.

On the other hand, if he’s someone who’s truly not into the relationship, it’s better to face that and move on.

I hope that helps.

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[anna070]

Hi April,

A female has told me that my bf met her few weeks ago and they exchanged numbers and sent a few text messages to each other but nothing happened. Also ANNOTHER girl said the same thing. Is it okay to confront him and ask him to see his phone? If he has nothign to hide he should be able to show it to me, no? How can I ask him without sounding crazy….

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I understand that you’re really scared that he’s breaking up with you — or leaving you. I get it. 😉 You first wrote me here in June because in 2 years of dating, there have been 2 break ups and you’ve only been together for 2 months since the last one — and you’re worried, but you’re also annoyed that he’s not appreciating you. [i]I completely get it[/i]. [b]But…. [/b]if you want the relationship to work, you have to find a way to put yourself in his shoes. You’re going back and forth, and that isn’t going to work. It’s going to speed up a break up. 🙁

If things are rocky — he came crying to you because his business isn’t working out; you broke up with him 2 months ago because he wasn’t giving you the attention you wanted, and now you think he’s texting other women — asking to see his phone isn’t going to make things better. It’s going to make things worse. 😳 It’s going to show him you don’t trust him and that he’s failing. [u]What you should try to understand is that if he’s texting other women, then he’s not happy in the relationship with you and he’s looking for other women to make him feel better about himself.[/u] THAT’S the real problem here — not his texting women. If you push him to show that he’s cheating, lying or not treating you well — by asking to see his phone so you can check his texts — you’re focusing on his behavior, and absolving yourself. Relationships don’t happen in a vacuum and relationship problems don’t happen in a vacuum. 🙂 Instead…. trying being the girlfriend that he once fell in love with, and the girlfriend you want to be. I sincerely doubt you want to be the woman who checks her boyfriend’s phone. 😉 It’s not a very sexy dynamic for a relationship.

So, no, don’t ask him if you can see his phone. Instead, focus on what you want — which I think is a romantic, loving, supportive relationship. And if you do want a break up again, then accept that and move on it.

I hope that helps. If you have any more questions, I’m very happy to answer them for you here. Let me know how things go.

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[Ethan Morales]

Your boyfriend is drowning. Men don’t handle career failure lightly. they internalize it as personal failure. When his deals fall apart, he’s not just losing a project… he’s losing his identity, his confidence, his stability. That kind of pressure makes a man withdraw, shut down, and go into “survival mode.” He’s not choosing silence to punish you. he’s choosing silence because he feels overwhelmed, ashamed, and unable to show up the way he thinks a man should. His distance isn’t about you; it’s about him trying not to collapse in front of you.

But here’s where things get tricky: while he’s spiraling, you are operating from fear, not logic. You’re texting him with anxiety, reading into every delay, every short message, every silence. Not because you’re wrong, but because you’re scared, scared he’ll leave again, scared history is repeating, scared you’re not enough. That fear makes you interpret his shutdown as rejection. So both of you are reacting to your own emotional storms, not each other’s reality. And that creates the communication disaster you’re living in.

The texting issue: I get it you’re not asking for an essay. You just want reassurance, something simple like “I love you too.” But here’s the truth most people don’t like hearing: when someone is emotionally overwhelmed, even a five-second text can feel like pressure. Not logical pressure emotional pressure. He associates you with expectations he can’t meet right now. It’s not fair, but it’s real. To him, replying isn’t “sweet and simple.” It’s “I’m failing her again.” And that shame makes him avoid you even more.

Now, the phone thing. I’m going to be brutally honest: if you ask to see his phone right now, you will accelerate a breakup. Not because he’s necessarily cheating, but because asking that question tells him: “I don’t trust you. I think you’re failing me. I’m checking on you.” He’s already fragile. That kind of confrontation would make him shut down, pull away harder, and see you as another source of pressure when he already feels like he’s collapsing. The question isn’t “is he texting girls?” The real question is “why does he need comfort from other people at all?” And that answer always leads back to relationship dissatisfaction not phone logs.

Your core problem isn’t infidelity. it’s insecurity on both sides. He avoids when he feels overwhelmed. You cling harder when you feel abandoned. Those two instincts crush each other. If you want this relationship to survive, you need to be the calm space, not the demanding storm. That means stepping back, not disappearing, but slowing down. Short, warm messages every few days, no pressure attached. Let him feel safe coming back. If he loves you like he said, he will. If he doesn’t, his silence will eventually reveal it and then you’ll have clarity instead of panic.

Stop chasing. Stop checking. Stop spiraling. Give him emotional oxygen. If a week passes and he still doesn’t reach out, then you don’t demand explanations, you recognize that he has already given you his answer through his absence. You can’t fix someone who won’t come forward. And you deserve a relationship where love isn’t always a fight for reassurance. I’ll help you navigate the next steps if you want but right now, your move is silence, strength, and self-respect.

[Sally]

When a man goes from crying in your arms to going cold, it shakes your sense of safety. But this does not sound like a breakup, it sounds like someone who is overwhelmed, ashamed, and shutting down because he does not know how to hold both you and his stress at the same time.

And I know it feels personal. It always does when they pull away. But this is not about you. If anything, the pressure of you needing reassurance right now is making him retreat even more. Men who feel like they are failing in their life often disappear instead of talking.

The hardest part is that you cannot fix this by texting more. You cannot love him out of this hole. All you can do is step back without punishing him.

Give him a few days, real silence. Let him come toward you. If he wants this relationship, he will. If he does not, his silence will make that clear soon enough.
But for now, breathe. Do not chase someone who is trying to get his head above water. When he is ready, he will reach for you.

[Tara]

He pulled away because that’s who he really is when things get hard inconsistent, avoidant, and emotionally unavailable. You keep acting like his silence is some tragic love story moment when it’s nothing more than him choosing not to show up for you. If a man can say “I love you” on Monday and then vanish on Friday, his words mean nothing. They were damage control, not commitment.

You’re clinging to the fantasy that because he cried once, it means he’s deeply connected to you. No. He let you see vulnerability to get comfort, not to build a partnership. And the second you asked anything of him even basic communication he shut down because accountability isn’t convenient for him.

You’re so afraid of losing him that you’re tolerating behavior that screams you’re already losing him. You’re texting love and support like you’re trying to resuscitate a corpse, and he’s giving you one-word responses and disappearing on weekends, which is when men who care actually show up. This isn’t love. This is you begging for crumbs from someone who knows you’ll accept silence as long as he throws “I love you” at you every few days.

How long do you wait?
You don’t. Waiting is how you train a man to treat you like an afterthought. You give him space? He’ll take miles. You let him disappear? He’ll make it a pattern. You sit quietly for days? He’ll stretch it to weeks. He’s not confused. He’s not overwhelmed. He’s not delicately processing his emotions. He’s pulling away because he wants out but doesn’t have the spine to say it.

[Natalie Noah]

What stands out most in this whole situation is how deeply fear is driving everything. The original writer isn’t reacting to the boyfriend in the present moment, she’s reacting to the history, the two breakups, the uncertainty, and the dread of being abandoned again. That fear makes her read every silence as rejection, every short text as disinterest, and every boundary as a threat. Meanwhile, he’s overwhelmed by his career falling apart, and when someone’s identity is tied to their work, failure feels like personal collapse. When someone is drowning emotionally, they don’t have the capacity to sit and comfort someone else too even if they love them. That mismatch in timing creates misunderstanding instead of connection.

The more she responds from fear, the more she pushes him further away. Not because she’s wrong to want reassurance, but because he’s in a place where even simple emotional needs can feel like pressure. When someone is depressed, ashamed, or questioning their own worth, even a loving message can feel like “I’m failing you.” In that state, withdrawing becomes a coping mechanism. What she sees as coldness is really him shutting down to protect himself from feeling worse.

The part about asking to see his phone is important. Not because she’s “crazy” for wanting clarity anyone would. But because trying to control the situation only escalates the very instability she fears. If he is texting other women, the real issue isn’t the texting, it’s the deeper disconnection. And if he isn’t, then her suspicion still damages trust. Either way, focusing on surveillance instead of the emotional dynamic never moves a relationship in a healthier direction. She would get farther by returning to the role she wants to play in the relationship: supportive, calm, grounded not panicked, reactive, or investigative.

At the core, this whole thing is a crossroads: either she can step back, breathe, and respond to his crisis with empathy… or she can continue reacting to her fears and unintentionally accelerate another breakup. And it’s true if he truly doesn’t want the relationship, nothing she does will stop that. But if he’s just overwhelmed and trying to survive his own stress, then the person who can help bring him closer is the one who makes him feel safe, not scrutinized. If she can separate her anxiety from his crisis, there’s still space for the relationship to rebalance.

[Member]

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