[Rhia1978]

Desperately need insight! We’ve been together for 4 months out of which I was overseas for 2 months. I got back a bit over 3 weeks ago. He kept in touch, waited and initiated the catch up once I got back. We spent a lovely evening together. We made plans to attend a housewarming the following Saturday. He told me he was moving to another city for a couple of weeks for work. He asked me if he could stay at my place for a few days before he left and I said yes. He said ‘I’ll surely be back in a couple of weeks – definitely by Christmas – will you be fine?’. I reminded him that I had had 2 months practice – so I didn’t make a big deal of that.

He told me on his emails and when we met that he missed me. Even before I left I said ‘I will kind of miss you’ to make light of what could have been a heavy topic. ‘Kind of?’ he asked and said ‘I will surely miss you’. When we saw each other for the last time before I left he asked me again ‘will you miss me?’. I’ve met his friends and flatmates and seen his place. He did this all by himself – I didn’t even have to ask him. His friends and flatmates like me…and my friends adore him. My friends are not so fond of him at the moment though. Since the morning after that evening after I got back…I did not hear back from him till after exactly 3 weeks (a couple of days back via email). The following is what he said in his email:

Hey!
Really sorry i’ve not been in contact. It was shitty of me I know. There were circumstances behind it though. I had to leave XXXX (our city) quicker than I thought. I’ll explain it to you at a later date. In XXXX (the other city) at the moment. Not sure when I’ll be back in XXX (our city) yet. Hope your good anyway. I’ll talk to you soon.

He’s been struggling for work for these 4 months and is completely broke. He is also worried about his visa. He is pretty frustrated with all of this – told me via email and in person. I suggested that he can marry someone here as a last resort to get his visa but he doesn’t want to do it that way. I clearly told him that I wasn’t referring to myself – to make it clear that I wasn’t manipulating him. Everytime we have gone on dates he has paid – he wouldn’t allow me to pay for my drinks or to buy him his. Even after he quit a job, he took me out to dinner and paid – he wouldn’t allow me to split bills – he only allowed me to pay the tips. The bill was quite high – so I was quite appreciative of this gesture. Of late I’ve organised dates at home so he didn’t have to pay. We would cook together. Whenever I had to meet him somewhere, he’d insist on meeting me at the tram stop – even though I would assure him I’d be fine.

I texted him once on the Sunday after we met, then on Monday and then on Tuesday. They weren’t heavy texts. Just saying hi and wondering how he was. I rang him on Wednesday in case he didn’t have credit. He didn’t pick up. Am not fussed since we normally don’t call each other. I texted him on Saturday to check about the housewarming. Nothing. I finally emailed him the following Tuesday to let him know that I am not angry but concerned and that I care. I told him I am here if he needed to talk. Since quite a few people were telling me to visit his place, I finally did that on Friday after the email. His flatmate told me he had left for the other city on Tuesday and he was physically fine. She said she was surprised too that he hadn’t contacted me and will try and get through to him.

My friends think he’s sorting himself out. We have only had 1 small tiff so far and that too much before I left for overseas. When he left on that Sunday morning he kissed me softly twice and said ‘see you soon’. He even forgot the t-shirt I had gotten for him…his beer’s still in the fridge and he forgot the DVD he wanted to borrow from me. The only thing he left with was the chain I got for him – but that was already round his neck. He rushed out cos he was running late to meet a friend to return some money he told me.

He used to go silent every Sunday and Monday. When I asked him about this he told me there was nothing sinister – he’d just be sleeping in and sometimes meeting friends. So I was getting used to that trend. But this was too long 🙁

Can he be detached after I was away for the 2 months? If so then why bother with organising the catch up & making future plans? Even my flatmate said he looked ‘super keen’.

Can he be depressed? My ex had lost his job and spiralled into depression and broken up with me. This is why am wondering whether he’s in a bad place and needs time to sort things out. Maybe feeling a bit emasculated too.

He is a Cancerian. I have noticed lots of articles about how they disappear and reappear. I am an Aries. He is 29 and I am 33. He has told my friends that he finds me intriguing and beautiful. He loves my cooking….could hardly keep his hands off me the last time we met and finds me ‘weird’. When we last met we were laughing so hard that we nearly fell of the couch – so it was a lovely evening we spent. I have tried to help him with his job by providing him contacts to call. I have certainly been very caring and sweet to him. He’s made a lot of effort too since it’s always him coming over to my place and it’s a 45 min journey on public transport. I really care for him and miss him. Except for once he has always been on time and I’ve never had to reschedule plans. My friends believe he genuinely likes me.

However, most people aren’t satisfied with his email. They are saying this is lame and he’s been rude. They are telling me to move on. But I don’t know what to do. I really still like him. Yes I have been going out for dates with other men but my heart and my head is with him. So he’s not financially secure and career is causing issues but when I first met him he was happy in the job he was doing – the confidence was apparent. Then the next date he told me he’d finished off there and was disappointed they had not sponsored him. From then I could see the marked instability and deterioration in his demeanor. He would tell me every week ‘I’ll have a job by this weekend’ as though to assure me but it wouldn’t happen. He has mentioned once to me that he wouldn’t mind being a ‘house husband’. I have 2 properties and have a fantastic job. He might feel inadequate next to me. Personally I don’t think he’s using me….but who knows.

Before I left for overseas we were walking down a street to meetup with his friends and I said ‘and now that we are dating’ as part of a sentence. He immediately said ‘we aren’t dating’. I asked him what we were doing and he laughingly said ‘why do you women need labels?’. I had to go into a shop…when I came out I told him to let it be. Later when his friends called me his girlfriend I went ‘hold on we aren’t dating’. My sarcasm was masked in jest. He said ‘I was only joking’ laughingly. A few days later when he came to visit, I brought it up and again he said he was only joking when he said we weren’t in a relationship. I told him ‘don’t think about what I want, just tell me honestly where you see us’. To that he said that he wanted to go with the flow and see where this leads. I asked him ‘does going with the flow mean we can see other people?’. And he said no. I left it at that since that’s what I wanted really – the exclusivity but not necessarily a commitment. At that point we’d been together for less than 2 months – even in my eyes it wasn’t time to ask for commitment. I don’t know whether this has any bearing on things – thought I’d tell you anyway.

Prior to receiving his email, I was texting his flatmate after almost 10 days of no contact with him or anyone he knew. She said she hadn’t heard back from him either – ‘you know how he goes off the grid’ she said. She said I’d be the first to know if she heard back from him. I don’t know if she was covering from him. Others seem to think so but I don’t believe that. The reason am telling you this is because I think he disappeared on all of us – not just me. But of course am not anyone – am the girl who he’s seeing.

Thanks in advance and sorry about the long post!! Please…please….help me out. I don’t know whether I should answer this email…whether I should forget him…whether I should keep the faith…whether I should give him the benefit of the doubt. I am lost…please help!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Let me help you get some perspective. You dated this guy for two months, then went overseas where you maintained contact by e-mail and phone for two months. When you got back, he basically dumped you.

It sounds like you don’t know him as well as you thought you did. His roommate said something cryptic about how he often goes “off the grid”. 😕 Anyone who regularly goes “off the grid” isn’t going to be up for a stable relationship. His roommate’s hint at his lifestyle is corroborated by his disappearing act with you.

The other problem with compatibility between the two of you is that he’s not in a place in his career where he can really commit to a relationship because he’s consumed with work and visa issues. This would make it tough for anyone to be a good boyfriend or girlfriend. But that doesn’t mean you should wait it out. Instead, you need to recognize what I talk about in Think & Date Like A Man, [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url], that a man who’s going to be a good boyfriend or husband is [i]ready[/i] to be one. There are signs you can look for and one of them is that he’s in a certain point in his career, and/or he’s accrued a certain amount of money already. Men in these positions are really ready for a serious relationship because they’ve hit certain marks in their own lives that they’ve been striving for. Your guy isn’t there yet.

I think there’s no one there TO dump. He’s AWOL and that leaves you single. My advice is to move on and if he comes back, recognize that he’s not someone who’s going to be there for when you the chips are down (or up or sideways).

I hope that helps. Please let me know how things work out and follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[Rhia1978]

Thanx for taking the time to answer, April. So you think I should not pay any attention to his email at all? The fact that he apologized & said he’d explain when he gets back is not good enough?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I think you should listen to what he says. But unless it’s extremely compelling, his apology doesn’t really change the fact that he has a lifestyle where he goes “off the grid” on some sort of regular basis. Dating is a process where you get to know someone and decide if they are someone who’s compatible and a good match for you. Based on what you’ve told me, at this four month mark, he’s not a good bet. I know it’s hard because he has some good qualities, but the ones that have caused you to write me here are deal breakers. I’m glad you didn’t invest more time. 😉

Get the book I suggested, Think & Date Like A Man, [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url], and read it. It’s going to help you a lot.

Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[Rhia1978]

Thank you so much for taking time to help, April. Just one last question – should I answer his email? It’s been a week & I am not sure cos of the clashing advice am receiving. Some say just write ‘glad you are fine. Keep in touch’ back to him while others are telling me not to bother. I don’t want this to be a tit for tat. Besides when I had offered support, it’s not consistent of me to not respond. What do you think?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re investing way too much time on a man who is not Mr. Right. 😳 My advice is not to answer or put any more energy into this relationship. The more you do, the less you’re available and open to the real Mr. Right. 😉 Don’t answer the e-mail. Let go and move on. You dated for two months. This isn’t someone you owe anything to.

Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

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