[Michart]

Marc (My fiance) and I have been together for 3 years. I am 30, his is 41. We have lived together for a year and a half. I am 17 weeks pregnant and this was not a planned pregnancy. Marc has stated that he wasn’t interested in having children and I had already went through a very hard pregnancy years prior that resulted in a still-born. I have endometrtiosis, and a history of large ovarian cysts and multiple surgeries. I didn’t want to go through such a situation again.

When my boyfriend (we were not officially engaged at the time, though he had asked me 2 years before) found out I was pregnant, he went into blame mode. Accused me of forgetting a pill, said I ruined his life, we got into an argument that would ultimately make or break us. I gave him an ultimatum. If he wanted to leave, we could go our separate ways and I would have an abortion. I did not want to be a single mother, it is my greatest fear and needed a supportive partner. The other option would be to finally make our engagement official and we would do the best we could to start a family. At first he chose to leave, so I set up the appointment and went to the first appointment. On the morning of the day I would have the procedure, he stopped me and a few days later bought a ring. It wasn’t romantic, or how either of us wanted, but it was a piece of mind where I needed reassurance that he wasn’t going to up and leave the second our child was born. We agreed we would do the best we could because neither of us wanted to end a life. We knew it would be hard.

I switched my career to be with my fiancee a couple of years ago, it was a difficult choice, and financially I took a blow, but managed to buy a house for us. It’s small and out-dated, but it’s my first house and will work for now. My fiancee works for himself as a gardener and does well. He is financially secure and has plenty saved up to where he doesn’t have to ever really worry about money. He helped me start up a similar business of my own. At first we were partners in my garden, he was making 50% as well as what he was making at his own business. Eventually I had enough to pay him for any expenses he had put in and ‘bought him out’ and took over the work. However, since he built the garden, the agreement was that for the next 6 months he would receive 30% of the profits for his efforts. The 6 months are up, but until all of what is already growing is harvested and payed for he will continue to receive 30% and it will probably still be for awhile. I have managed to save up a little, enough to last me a few months if something happened. But with a child on the way, and a vastly changing market for this kind of business, we aren’t sure how much longer we will be able to continue in this line of work. I want to have enough saved up to where I can open up something else so I won’t have to weigh tables. There’s no option to go back to what I was doing before, unfortunately.

Our living situation is similar to that of roomates, as far as finances go. We split everything 50/50 and if we buy anything for the house (shower curtain, toilet paper, etc) It’s written on a piece of paper on the fridge and we split it at the end of the month. If we go out, it’s split 50/50 most of the time since our engagement. We pay all of our own finances seperately (insurance, etc) It doesn’t matter who’s better off financially, everything is cut evenly in half and is the plan for the baby as well.

I do all of the shopping for the household, all of the cooking, and most all of the chores besides garbage. Marc says that if I don’t want to clean he doesn’t care, and that he shouldn’t have to do it because if we weren’t living together he would only clean twice a year, so he feels that if a clean house makes me happy then I should be the one to do it. Same thing with dinner, he says if I wanted to we could just feed ourselves separately and he could just eat pizza and sandwiches every day. So he shouldn’t have to do the shopping or the cooking. He will wash his own dishes and the plates we use at dinner. Every once in awhile if he’s out of something, he does laundry. Is any of this normal?

All of this I could live with, reluctantly at times, but it was doable. Since my pregnancy, I have been so exhausted and stressed that getting everything done has become a great struggle. The entire first trimester I had been practically bed and couch-bound for the first 4 hours after waking up, and sometimes for entire days. I threw up constantly. The nausea is still very much there and most days the very act of standing for a period of time makes me see spots and I’ve come very close to passing out. I work as a country club waitress 16 hours a week also, which involves standing, lifting, and pretty intense labor. A case of wine can weigh up to 30lbs and a stacked tray of dirty plates even more. I come home and sometimes get right back to work at home. I work 7 days in the garden, as my fiancee does at his. Sometimes the day can be 2 hours long, sometimes 8 or more. There is a lot of physical labor involved there too, lifting 20-30lb pots of dirt, everything is watered with multiple 5 gallon buckets of water. Then pruning can be done sitting, but it takes 4-6 hours. On top of this, the normal household chores. I’m feeling overwhelmed. Marc says I should wake up earlier so I can have more energy in the middle of the day. But it doesn’t work like that…there is no miracle that happened at some point where all of my energy comes back and I can do everything I had before and feel normal. I wish there was. I’m lucky to get a few good hours a day before the exhaustion and nausia begins again.

Marc will pick up dirt for me at the store while he is buying his own, as it is too heavy. My garden is attached to our house so it’s convenient. I have asked him on special occasions to help me move buckets of water, since my back really has been hurting and he will help reluctantly, but reminds me that the business is mine and that he shouldn’t be expected to do anything extra unless he is getting a percentage or exchange in work. He says it would be easy to just scoop out the water from each bucket with a smaller bucket and make multiple trips instead of asking him. He also has taken over the responsibility of spraying my plants (to prevent bugs) since I shouldn’t be breathing it in. He says that since he has to spray my plants, that I should make up the work at his greenhouse by spending equal amount of hours there or pay him. Spraying is a lot of work, and he will have to do it for about 2 hours every 4 or 5 days for the next 2 months. I did it before pregnancy, and wish he did not have to do it for me now. The problem is, I am already physically and mentally exhausted with everything I already have going on. Marc tells me to stop using pregnancy as an excuse and that I’m just being lazy. He calls me selfish and says that if I want 100% of the profit for my garden than I should do 100% of the work. This goes for little things too, such as emptying a dehumidifier in the kitchen is related to the business and he should not have to do that either. I do not want him to do everything for me! I just want help…I just want support! He tells me not to bring up cooking and cleaning because it’s not related and that he doesn’t care if I ever clean or make dinner again. Occasionally I will ask him to make the bed or pick up clothes piles or do laundry, and he tells me I’m ing and complaining about things that don’t matter to him. Once I got him to clean the bathtub since I could not use bleach, and he said that he’ll never do it again at that I can just use a respirator.

I feel so helpless. I understand his points, he has his own work to do, but I don’t understand why I feel like I am in a relationship with a room mate when I am carrying his child inside of me. It should not be like this, there should be more unity and understanding. So what should I do? I feel so uncared for and unsupported in every way possible in this pregnancy. I’m exhausted and frustrated and so is he. We are fighting over these issues and there doesn’t seem to be a good solution that will make it any easier. I never said that I wouldn’t help him in his garden, though I did say that I will not over exert myself and that I already do too much as it is. Isn’t being pregnant enough work in itself? Should I really have to pay him back for anything that I cannot do because of it? Does anyone else’s husbands or boyfriends demand repayment for extra work they’ve had to do while they were expecting? It seems so thoughtless that he thinks I’m using pregnancy as an excuse to get out of responsibilities, often I question how much he really cares about me, he calls me selfish and tells me that I’m basically calling him a bad person all of the time and complain too much. I’ll call him greedy and eventually he leaves the house and stays at his garden for the night and blocks my number so I cannot reach him. Often times he tells me that he hates the fact that he’s ‘stuck’ with me. Am I being unreasonable? I just want him to come home and ask me how I’m feeling every once in awhile, I don’t expect to be pampered or weighed on, but if I say my back hurts he says his too because he worked out. If I ask for a back rub, he asks if he’ll get one too. If I say I’m tired, he says he is too. If I talk about feelings, he leaves the room. I need to feel loved and appreciated. I need to feel that he is going to be there the ways that he needs to be. I am at my wits end and do not have any idea how to get through to my fiancee. He has no knowledge of what it means to be pregnant and tells me I’m exaggerating. I have rupturing cysts, endometriosis pains, my back hurts constantly, I’m nauseated all of the time and am constantly crying because I don’t feel understood or emotionally supported and he has no desire to learn about pregnancy or what I am going through. Our last fight was a bad one and I am feeling so lost. Maybe he doesn’t want to understand because the idea of stepping up and doing more than what he already does stresses him out? There is very little I can say that will get through, its all viewed as a complaint. It’s like a huge communication barrier and emotional disconnect. Everything I say is a nagging exaggeration. I feel as if he is not allowing me to be pregnant. I’m not allowed to ask for anything or get help with anything util I’m too big to move. I’m an emotional wreck and feeling stressed out beyond anything I’ve ever felt before.

I do not think Marc is some terrible person, and I know that he handles stress by shutting me out and does not want any extra responsibilities. It becomes an emotional disconnect and nothing I say gets through. I also know I am not getting the support that I need, and I’ve spoken up, several occasions. He even once told me that maybe he could do a better job being supportive in this. But then nothing changes. He will be nice at times, we get along for a couple of days but then I’ll ask him to help with something around the house or he’ll have to spray the garden and it’s right back to this.

Our last fight Marc screamed in my face and hit the back of my chair out of anger. Before he left for the night I told him that the behavior would never be tolerated again. He came home this morning to spray my plants and left immediately after and will probably be gone again for the rest of the night. The argument was the result of a business disagreement . I honestly feel that sometimes Marc cares about making money more than my health and well-being. He tells me this is not true. Sometimes I question his intentions and it makes him very mad. Now he will probably ignore me for days and I will get even less support than I need in the meantime. He told me he hated me and that he hates that he has to marry me. I realize sometimes he says things out of anger but my emotions are already all over the place, and to hear those words makes me fear having this child and that he’s going to up and leave.

Is there anyone out there who’s ever been in a similar situation? Any advice would be much appreciated. Thank you.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m very sorry for the unhappiness you’re having. Your fiancee doesn’t want to marry you and he doesn’t want to be a father. He feels trapped and he’s lashing out at you. But, the bigger problem is that you’re not taking care of yourself and your pregnancy. You shouldn’t be working so hard that you feel like you’re going to pass out. When you become a mother, you have to make the child a priority, and that’s going to be a transition for you. Unfortunately, your fiancee isn’t supportive of that transition, so you’re going to have to do it in spite of his not wanting you to. You probably know that that’s going to create more friction between the two of you. I think, sadly, that the best thing for the two of you to do is to separate. I know this will be difficult and you’ll probably take a loss financially, but there is a bigger picture at hand. You have to make your health and the child your priority now. He’s not on board, and so it’s going to be much easier for you to become a single parent. He can share custody and co-parent without living with you, and this is going to make your life easier. There is a chance that separated, he will realize what he’s given up and want it back. But unless you do separate, I just don’t see him turning things around — which is why you have to.

[Michart]

Thank you for your advice. Part of me knows everything you said is true, but the other part of me so desperately wants to do everything I can to try and save this. But I do realize it is not up to me and it’s perhaps the most saddening part of all. It is up to him, and I do not see him changing or taking any responsibility for the way he’s been treating me. According to Marc, he’s a great guy and every problem in our relationship is my fault. He says I need to lighten up and stop causing him stress. It’s clear my feelings and needs aren’t even put into consideration, and either is the babies and there’s no changing his mind. We’ve reached a brick wall and every brick I knock down he adds 2 more.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I feel your pain! 😳 It’s very natural for you to want to keep this family together, but if your partner doesn’t have the same goal, and you’re not compatible, it’s going to be very difficult. The reality is that this pregnancy isn’t the only surprise you will have in life. There are lots of things that happen that challenge a couple — it could be financial hit, a job loss, the death or serious illness of a parent or of each other — things that happen that we have no control over, and if you fiancee can’t handle this unplanned pregnancy, there’s a good chance he’s going to have problems with other parts of life that come down the line. Raising a child is full of all kinds of surprises, and flexibility, understanding and the desire to make the best of things, is important to parenting and sustaining a marriage.

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