[coloradoguy]

Okay, first and foremost I appreciate the time you spend reading this, and I need help. Back in April of 2011 when I was in high school I met this girl. She’s my age, incredibly beautiful, great sense of humor, and a sweetheart. We only talked for a week before I dated her, which was unusual for both of us considering that’s not a lot of time. We ended up dating, end of first month I took her virginity. We were so perfect for the first 3 months, but then I got heavy into pot smoking in the 4 month, with doing that I lost interest in my relationship, totally blind as to what I had. I spent all my time doing the drugs instead of being with her, and I dragged out the relationship knowing I wanted her, but I didn’t deserve her, and just didn’t want to let ride figuring soon I’ll change. 7 months in, I realized only that I was devastating her, and she said she loves me so much she doesn’t know what happen and why I did that to her. I didn’t either. So at 7 months, I had to call it off. For her. And for me to work on getting my bearings straight, so maybe one day I can treat her how she should be and return the love she has given to me. Towards the end of the relationship though, I was in college and this other female in a class with me was attractive, and my lab partner, and she knew the entire time I was dating my gf, so she kept a clear boundary. I had no idea this girl was interested in me outside of class until after I broke up, but I told her when my relationship was going downhill. I will call this girl, girl H, my gf.

So I break up, the next day the girl from class and I go to the beach, how fast huh? I had no idea but then she wanted to go to the beach with me, and she drove. I wasn’t sure if she was even into me so much. More of a friend vibe for a while. So we go to the beach, not really any physical contact of any kind, just letting personalities flow. I’m a big guy and only date attractive girls but this creates a bit of a confidence issue sometimes. Like at the beach, wasn’t sure if she was disappointed to see me without my shirt off or what. But a week or so goes by, I bring the science girl to a party with her friend, we get drunk, then I see who this girl really is. She’s wild, she started dancing my lap as we stood up if you know what I mean, then made-out/kissed me. Then I see her doing the same with a couple other guys at the party, both dancing and kissing, immediately turned off, but knew I had nothing to say about it, as I didn’t even think she was that into me. The next day I figured she only kissed me b/c she was drunk. But she apologized for things getting out of hand, meaning she got too wasted. Which it happens I guess. I end up getting drunk with her again on a beach sometime after that and we had sex. It was kind shitty being on the beach, and sand, and sand positions. But we go home after, then the day after or a couple days later this girl tells me she just doesn’t want to have sex and she usually doesn’t do that. For some reason that seemed hard to believe considering her performance at the previous party. I didn’t want to date her either, so I was just letting things go. We hung out a time or two, then took her to another party, this time being one of my friend’s parties. We get drunk, then later in the night I leave to go purchase some drugs and come back 30 minutes later or so. I walk into the house to see her sitting on another guys lap on the couch, and apparently they were beginning to hook up. I walked away from the scene into the garage and she came out and said “I thought you were gone I’m sorry. Where’d you go” etc but I didn’t have much to say. She got mad and went inside, then had her friend come talk to me and I told her friend “If that is what she does, then that’s fine, but I don’t want apart of it.” Her friend agreed with me. I left and so did they. The next day she talked about it and said it was because she thought I left her. At this point I know I cannot date this girl, but kept talking to her. A week after we hang out, go somewhere private, get drunk, and end up having sex again. After it was over, I was unsatisfied, she would make a great lover, but it was whatever to me, not by experience but feelings. The day after she told me that’s not what she wants to do, and wanted to know if I want to have a relationship with her eventually. I told her probably not, and she didn’t talk to me much after that. And that’s where that ended.

I was single from the previous relationship for only a month or two after my hook ups with the class girl, maybe three. I began to go on the hunt for sex, which young guys do. I call an older ex of mine that I could never date again, go hang out, get drunk, try to have sex, she doesn’t want to because I told her I had sex with girl H, who this ex despises. It turned her off and I understand, but I try to not to lie as much as possible. It’s moral code, and in my eyes, people only have their word, then respect. The next day she tells me to come over, repeat of night before but we have sex. It was whatever, definitely never again, just had to get it out of the way.

After this two girls, it’s been about 4 months after girl H. I chose to have class with girl H in Spring semester of college and remain contact because deep down I knew I cared for her very much, and knew she’s more of the type I’d want to marry. I looked back on the relationship and believe I just felt too young to have a girl like her, one you keep for a long time, if not the rest of your life. We had class, and the mutual feelings were still there, the compatibilities were still there, but not just me exactly. I still smoked, drank, partied. I tried to see if things can work, but I soon began to ignore her even in class. One day, I watched how she walked in, and she didn’t even look at me, and I could tell someone, being a male, has talked to her or they shared something. You can just tell when someone loses a slight interest in you, especially when you know them. So class goes on and ends with us no longer speaking, mainly because of me. I didn’t talk to her at all as summer started. Without me talking to her in weeks, I end up going to jail, and as I was getting arrested I sent her a text message knowing she may come through for me without my family having know about it, telling her I’m probably going to jail, and I really would like her to pick me up. I get handcuffed with two others, hands behind back with cell phone in pocket. We are in squad car and I felt her calling me. Ironically, she was leaving the gym as I was in the back of the cop car getting hauled to jail with my “friends” , and I passed her turning at a red-light, but she didn’t see me because she was looking down thinking waiting for the light. We go in the opposite direction, me doing everything I can to get her attention. Immediately I call her, tell her what happened, officer didn’t mind phone calls in the car, and she said she’ll have think about picking me up because of what I did to her. I said that is fine and hope she comes and I’ll call her from jail later. I call her from jail in the lobby and I bail myself out, and she picks me up at 1am. There she was, with her blue eyes waiting for me. I felt an awkwardness because I didn’t talk to her, but I told her I greatly appreciate her for being there for me. She dropped me off at my truck, I go home. Didn’t talk to her much after that. I wanted to, but I was still a pot smoker, and still didn’t fix who I was. I knew I can’t talk to her, or be with her without fixing my own issues.
About 7 months broken up with girl H, I realized a lot. I changed who I was. I didn’t quit smoking pot because of jail, but because I realized it hasn’t done anything good for me. It just held me back from getting what I really wanted. I also grew up a lot, matured a lot, cut ties with about everyone being the people I surrounded myself with don’t have bigger goals other than doing drugs and partying. I realized life is too short for all of that, even having pointless sex with pointless females. I just realized I’m going to wake up and be 40 years old one day, and how scary would it be if my actions affected me then. I feel like a new man in a sense. That’s when I decided it’s time I apologize to her, for the way I treated her, and the way I destroyed her. She told me thanks, but had to ask why I was talking to her. I said because I feel like I need to. From there we started talking, and this is only a month ago, and got serious quickly. I told her I didn’t want to have sex, and wouldn’t mind waiting until marriage to let the realest feelings appear. That only lasted a week, as she went to the dentist and that gas made her crazy and I couldn’t resist her coming onto me anymore. A couple days after we had sex, I asked her if she talked to any guys since us, and she said yeah but not really. When I tried to get answers very simple as to who and when to see what happened and why they didn’t workout, it was difficult. She then started to say well it’s too hard to talk about. Then I finally told her she should tell me, even though it’s not my business, but she already started to answer. She couldn’t tell me, but I finally pushed her over instant messenger to tell me. She said his name. Someone who she told me 3-4 months after broken up in class that he wanted to have sex with her, and she said no, and he begged her not to tell his gf. I hated him when I heard that, but now that I heard she “talked” to him, I was furious inside. Then i found out it was when he was still with that gf of his. Even more furious inside, lack of respect. I tried to ask what they did, and she said she wants to talk to me. Face to face in my truck, she can’t even look at my eyes. I feel the worst is coming. It took a few minutes but she told me that had sex. I couldn’t believe my ears. My angel, sex with another guy? How could this be? My worst nightmare. I couldn’t help but tear up immediately. My emotions took complete control. I cried but at the same time asked why would she do that with him? Why after she said she would never, ever, do that with him. Then I asked when he was with his gf still, and she said yes. I said she is disrespectful and inconsiderate. Not to me, because we weren’t together, but to that other guy’s gf, who is a beautiful girl and a nice person. I feel people that cheat are fucking disgusting. No respect in them and themselves. I couldn’t help but ask for details, just to see what she was thinking that day, like oh let me have sex, or if he took advantage of her. Apparently it happened after she knew he wanted to have sex with her, after she told me she would never, and she went back to his out again a month later and he seduced her in his room. They had sex. She first said she couldn’t take it and left. I asked for how long and she said she didn’t know. I demanded the answer. She said maybe 2 minutes. She said she just wanted to be with me and it was horrible. She didn’t cry, nor did she look me in my eyes much. She told me not to cry. And she’s sorry. Sorry for what? What can she be sorry for? She wasn’t dating me. I felt the angel I once knew was gone when I abandoned her. I couldn’t help but ask if she gave him oral sex too, she said no. I told her not to lie to me. She began to say no she didn’t. I asked who else who had sex with, she said nobody and that was the only time. She said she will do anything to make it up to me. I was angry, emotionally distraught. I couldn’t believe this girl who I thought so highly of has made such a mistake. This was my princess. I already began to fall in love with her. I told her first thing she needs to do is tell that guys gf what she has done. She said she will, and I demanded it be right now. With a phone call, we get her number, then call her. She tells her, and cries. When I see her apologize, in my heart I have forgiven her immediately, it seemed I was just furious of how she can be so cruel to another female. There was a huge difference in my attitude after the phone call. She didn’t cry to me though. I told her I already made up my mind that I love her, and she said she loves me too. I decide to leave after some more talking. I forgave her, and wanted to get past it. Later that day on my own, I take full responsibility for her actions, and come to the conclusion that if I didn’t do what I did to her in the first place, it wouldn’t of happened.

A week or two later, probably two, I find out in a discussion between us that she doesn’t really love me still, and I told her not to tell me so if she doesn’t, as it really will screw me up. I tell her it’s fine, but I poored my heart out to her already and not sure what else I can do. She wants to, and she wants to be with me and make things right, but she can’t help but thing about what I did to her the first time. She’s totally unaware of the girls I had in our off-time. I try to tell her what I can, but all she says is that she’s trying. I don’t know what to do. I just thought I couldn’t give up though and to keep trying.

We’ve been doing good, a month or so in, I buy a big bag of her favorite candy and a card and write my feelings in it, then hide it in her mailbox one night when she was coming home from a baseball game. She liked it of course. This was only a week ago. Two nights ago, we leave the drive in and go park somewhere and hop in the back seat just to be comfortable. We just talk. I talked about how people shouldn’t lie, and so on, just to tell her what I expect. The truth always goes further than a lie is what I said. I also told her those magazines where a wife cheated on her husband one night feels she can’t tell him because it would destroy him is bullshit, and she shouldn’t listen to them because that is so selfish and cowardly. I can tell there’s something hiding though when I talk to her, her eyes wandering. I asked her what she is hiding from me. And that she can tell me the truth. Her breathing stirs. I can tell she needs to let something out. She is scared that I’ll react to the first bad news. I tell her its okay, expecting more horrible news. It takes her a moment but, when we were dating, toward the end of my relationship, she hung out with this guy who she talked to before, and I knew she did when we dated, but she didn’t say what they did. Apparently, according to her, she resisted him several times, but he kept trying to kiss her, so she finally just let it happen to get it over with. She said that’s all they did, and she cried this time as she was talking to me about it. I didn’t feel too angry, as at that time in the relationship she was abandoned, and being destroyed. She told the boy that and that’s why he tried to kiss her, to get her mind off me. I asked if they had sex, she looked into my eyes and said no, all they did was kiss, and she didn’t want to. I didn’t think about it too much at the time, other than I did this to her. I put her in that position.

A minute after, I see there’s something else in her eyes, hiding deep. I know her, so I know when things are off. I asked her what else there is, and she said nothing, but I know her breathing and her face. I ask her again to tell me what she didn’t tell me yet, and the truth needs to submerge. It takes her a minute but she begins to tell me. There was this other boy, after we broke up for 2-3 months, and he invited her over, and it’s someone who she talked about before when we dated saying how unattractive he is and she could never date him, etc. She went to his house , and had sex, and said it was the same situation as the first story of her having sex. This time, I wasn’t angry. I asked her why, and she said she doesn’t know. I didn’t leave her side. I had to ask did she tell me the truth about everything so far, and go over everything she has told me. I want to love this girl til the day i die, so I’m trying to understand. I had to ask again about the first story she told me, if she really didn’t give him oral sex, and she looked away. I couldn’t believe it, but I had to. I know truth hurts, so many don’t seek it, but it is more important to me than to live life blind. I had to know the details only to see what she was thinking but she cried just thinking about it saying she doesn’t want to think about it cuz of how it hurts her. But I didn’t leave her side, but rather gave her hug and told her everything is alright. I go home that night, feeling I’m still by her side, as we weren’t together for those things and I am still ultimately the one to blame. Before we go, I ask her one thing, and tell her not to forget, “Will you allow me to make you happy?” and I drill it into her head before I leave.

I appreciate greatly for the truth, and I know it hurts her just as much, if not more than me hearing it for to to say it. I somewhat do understand her not telling me, as girls now days do this thing where “oh I don’t want to hurt him let me not say anything”. But last night, I’m holding her, I’m holding a old picture of us from a year ago, and I tell her why I like her even she doesn’t see why I want to be with her. I tell her it’s her smile, and her eyes, and how sweet she is, and all I want to do is to see that smile in the picture again. She does the “aww” and kisses me on my cheek. As I hold the frame in my hand for a couple minutes while she’s in my arms, I’m just looking at her reflection, and I just see her looking off. I watch her for a couple minutes and ask her what she is thinking about, then she says she was staring at an object on the night stand next to the couch. I don’t know what to think of that but maybe it was true. From there, all I can think about is her kissing that boy when we were together, and how at first I thought she did it because he kept trying, and I was not a great boyfriend, but quickly the darkness of the situation was put into my head. She did cheat on me, regardless of what I did to her. Her self control is shitty, and I can’t help but think about why and why she never told those guys no. She knows I’m thinking about bad things, but I say I’m not thinking about anything. I take her home shortly after, and don’t say much in the car ride. She asked what’s wrong and I said I was just tired. This was last night. The entire time, I can’t help but think that she is longer who I thought she was, considering her self control isn’t how it needs to be, and that she did lie to me when she had opportunities to tell the truth.

I can’t help but think of what she has done. There were times when respect for me and others were not considered, and I’m afraid this issue just doesn’t go away. Also, her self control can be a huge issue, as just because someone is wanting you to do something, doesn’t mean you have to do it. It sucks because I already made up my mind before I really go to know her again, that I love the girl I once had and lost. I feel as I’m paying for my mistakes in the end, but my heart is taking a huge toll right now. I can’t help but let my emotions get the best of me thinking about her. I don’t want to leave her, but if it won’t work out I figure it has to be now before it’s gone too far. She’s a sweetheart. But I am not dating to just date anymore. I’m going to find the right girl for me, and marry her. I thought I had her, but she may not be who I thought she was. I really need advice, and I’m deeply sorry for this long story. I am not sure what I should do, I’m not sure if her issue of self respect and respecting others will fix, and I do trust her but when I think about her kissed the guy when we were together it’s hard, and especially when I asked for the truth and I didn’t get it when I should have. She already told me if it’s going to hurt her, then she doesn’t want to know. So I haven’t told her, but at the same time, that’s not how I want to be treated, nor do I want that to be the foundation of our relationship. I really need some help right now, as me in the current state has me in a withdraw. I’d love to be with her, and she wants to be with me, but she also has to start over again getting to know me almost, as I’m different than I was before. Thank you so much for your time.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

What’s your question?

[coloradoguy]

I’m sorry, but I’m just asking what should I do about my situation, being my gf has bad self control, and maybe a lack of respect, and I love her dearly but I destroyed her feelings, emotions, and love for me she once had. She kissed a guy when we were about to break upbecause she couldn’t refuse and leave, but it was when I mistreated her and was just weeks from the end of the relationship w/o me knowing. I feel like I can trust her because she did it b/c I wasn’t a good boyfriend, but at the same time I can’t trust her self control. I don’t know how she can fix it, nor do I know how to help her love me again. Her lack of self control pushed her into have sex when we weren’t together, and I’m afraid it’s going to ruin us eventually. But I love her so much it’s hard whatever happens

[April Masini, your AskApril]

How old are you both?

[Member]

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