[evol1]

I had relationship with a man for 6 months. He is 25 and I am 33. I met him through another man I had dated briefly and they were friends. We became boyfriend and girlfriend about 6 weeks after we started seeing each other. When we had discussed commitment I had asked upfront and confirmed we were only seeing each other to which he agreed.
We spent Valentine ’s Day together and went on a Caribbean vacation. He told me he loved me and spoke of things that would happen in the future. Shortly after we returned I noticed him becoming distant. I had bad feelings before which I thought might be insecurity but this time was much worse. I basically caught him in a lie and broke him into confessing after 10 hours of questioning. He tried to minimize this other girl at the start saying she was evil etc. He finally confessed that he was in love with both of us. I demanded he stop seeing this other girl and he refused. I told him I was done. We went back and forth for another month all the while this other girl knowing nothing but having suspicions herself.
In the end he chose her saying she was younger and from the same religion, and that he loved her more than me. About a week after he told me she found pictures from the vacation and begged me to lie and say it was only a one night thing. He told her that I was a mistake. Asked me to lie for him if she called me to which I refused.
While I know I am better off, I am struggling with feelings of anger, pain and hurt. It’s been a couple of months since I last saw him and our last meeting ended badly something I didn’t want despite what he put me through. Recently I sent him a very long email telling him I only wanted to express myself and tell him what I thought of him. The letter was not nice as I told him I feel he used me and manipulated me. I do believe he has NPD. He responded with a new email confessing his love for her and saying letting things go too far with me sexually was a mistake, and he thinks nothing of me. I know he showed her this email to make her believe again we were nothing which only angered me further.
I am genuinely happy with my life but feel traumatized by this experience, I am angry for getting involved with him and for not breaking off things earlier when I became suspicious. I have learned from this but am struggling to heal over the sheer hurt as I feel he used me and making us out like we were nothing. I am looking for insight on his behavior and thoughts and also advice on how to let go of the anger and hurt I am still feeling.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

[quote] I am looking for insight on his behavior and thoughts and also advice on how to let go of the anger and hurt I am still feeling.[/quote]

You pressured him into a relationship he wasn’t ready for. 😳 This is something you can learn not to do. When you wrote that you “asked him upfront and confirmed we were only seeing each other” you set unnatural rules. Most people don’t decide until dating for about three months whether or not they want to to continue dating each other, and it’s only about at the six month mark when people decide whether or not to be monogamous. You tried to basically buy a insurance policy with a 25 year old guy who wasn’t ready to settle down. You were fooling yourself and pressing him into something that wasn’t fair to do. 😕 He agreed to something he shouldn’t have. You asked something you shouldn’t have. 🙁

The most shocking thing (to me, anyway) is that you “caught him in a lie and broke him into confessing after 10 hours of questioning.” 😯 [b]Ten hours of questioning? [/b] This is not relationship behavior. It’s criminal prosecutor behavior. You should never have gotten yourself into this. If you feel a man is becoming distant, either you can try to win him over and/or accept that there’s competition. 😉 He should have walked out after one hour. You shouldn’t have spent more than 15 minutes asking questions if you weren’t getting answers you felt were truthful. 🙁

You broke up with him — but then you got back together with him, and I’m not sure why, after all that. Then he chose her….. but you still stayed in contact, which was a mistake. Men and women shouldn’t be friends — and especially when they’ve just ended a romantic relationship with each other. Feelings are never equivalent and confusion and miscommunication ensues. 😳 You both shouldn’t have stayed in touch with each other, but you got to keep the relationship alive by staying, even if it was unpleasant — and he got attention. 🙁

My advice is to process the fact that you had a part in this relationship failing and acknowledge what you can learn from it and do better next time. Also understand that there is competition in dating and it’s a good bet that whomever you meet is also meeting other women who he might consider dating, too. Don’t assume or leverage a promise of monogamy before you get to know someone and use the dating process to find out who a man is before you decide if he’s Mr. Right.

Next, understand that rejection is actually a gift because it guides you away from someone who isn’t right, and back into the dating game so you can use what you learned to find someone who IS right! 😉

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