[Red]

Dear April,

My boyfriend and I started dating 17 months ago. I am 43 and he is 40. We moved in together 9 months later. I have never lived with anyone before, but have had long term relationships. He is divorced. We both love each other and enjoy our time together. We seem to get along great. In fact, everything was great up until a couple of months ago. Up until that time, we spoke frequently of spending our lives together.
In March and April, we were both under a great deal of stress. He has been working 7 days a week because he is trying to run his business while working on a side project (building a house for a rental). I work full time and go to law school 4 nights a week and at that time was going through final exams. Our sex life diminished greatly, we were tired all the time, we don’t seem to go out as much because of the economy, and we both got very snippy with each other.
One month ago, he was especially cranky one morning and I asked him if something was wrong. He said that he didn’t want to marry me. I asked him if he was sure about this, and he said he wasn’t. He said he didn’t think it work out because we didn’t have sex enough and he felt like he was always cleaning up after me. Admittedly, he had alluded to these things about a month before this, but I don’t take hints very well. I was shocked. Up until 2 months ago, all I heard from him was how “perfect” I am for him and how happy I make him.
In the end, we decided to try to work things out. I told him about how I haven’t felt appreciated for all that I do do around the house and I know I act out sometimes. A couple of days later (after he had a knock-down, drag out fight with his cousin) he said he was sorry and was just being a “doubting Thomas.” I told him I was sorry, too and that I know I hadn’t been the easiest person to live with over the past couple of months.
Since then, I have been much more attentive to household chores and he has been much more appreciative. We have taken a couple of weekend trips together, which have been really fun for the both of us. We are also having a lot more sex.
Okay, now here’s the problem – because of what happened, I no longer feel as secure about the relationship as I used to. Is this normal? Does it get better with time? I know he loves me, but I find myself obsessing over things he says, looking for more “hints,” etc. I am constantly worried that I am going to be blindsided again. Do you have any suggestions? Thanks!

[tricia]

You have the right to feel not secure after he said that his no longer wants to marry you. But I don’t think that the reason is valid. Relationship is not all because of s*x though it plays an important factor in every relationship. But if love was there, then s*x could be set aside and the two of you could perfectly understand the situation.

[Ask April Masini]

I think that it’s quite likely that your answer lies in this sentence, “Admittedly, he had alluded to these things about a month before this, but I don’t take hints very well.”

Your boyfriend was trying to tell you that his needs were not being met and that you two needed to work together to get your relationship back on track. You weren’t taking the hint when he expressed his feeling subtly, so he sought a more dramatic approach which succeeded in shocking you into action, or should I say reaction.

Based upon what you’ve described you two have a pretty solid relationship and if this was the first time something like this has happened, I would chalk it up to a very important lesson learned…. Your relationship fell victim to what most relationships fall victim to — stress, pressure and taking each other and the relationship for granted.

The good news is that you both appear to have refocused your energies on trying to meet one another’s needs and have found a renewed appreciation for your relationship and each other. Congratulations.

Relationships take work and they need to be “feed” continually in order to thrive (and survive).

If you try and keep in mind the top five emotional needs a man seeks to obtain from his mate, I’ll bet this won’t happen again. Here they are: Sexual Fulfillment, Recreational Companionship, Physical Attractiveness, Domestic Support and Admiration.

[Red]

Dear April,

I appreciated your response. However, things seem to have taken on a new twist.

Although things are fantastic now, my boyfriend says that, ultimately, he just doesn’t know if he is ready to settle down. He has been in one long term relationship (and one marriage) after another his whole life, and he wonders if he should spend some time alone or just dating people for a while. He says he loves me but wants to be fair with me, because he knows that I previously wasted 9 years in a relationship that went nowhere, and want to find someone to spend my life with. He is not sure if he can commit to that.

However, he is still unsure. He knows that if he loses me, he loses me forever – I will not go back to him and will just move on.

I got a little upset over this on Sunday. Basically, I asked him if he was cheating on me (he said he wasn’t, and I believe him – I was just be mean) and I kind of accused him of lying to me. Up until February, all he did was talk about how he was totally in love with me and would love me forever, how I was everything he ever wanted, etc., and we always talked about the things we wanted from life and the things we wanted to do – together.

We left off that we would not make any snap decisions. I told him that the only things I asked of him were that he have an open mind and that he be relatively sure of what he was doing. In the 2 days since that time, he has been a little distant. He snapped at me about something stupid yesterday – I interrupted him when he was reading something. I’m at my wit’s end. I don’t know if I should try a little bit more toward working things out, or just up and leave.

[Ask April Masini]

I want to apologize in advance because I know this is going to hurt. However, you’re asking for my help so I’m going to be brutally honest and to give you the best advice I can….

In my opinion, if a woman feels like her guy is wasting her time and may never ask her to marry him, she should stop spending all of her time with him and immediately begin to date other men

[Ethan Morales]

You and your boyfriend have a relationship that, from the outside, looks fundamentally solid shared stress, mutual care, and a willingness to work things out. But the emotional undercurrent shifted once he said he’s not sure if he wants to settle down. That line changes everything, and how you respond now determines whether this relationship rebuilds stability or quietly falls apart.

His uncertainty is not really about you. When someone says, “I love you but don’t know if I’m ready to settle down,” what they’re often expressing is internal fatigue not necessarily dissatisfaction with the partner. He’s been in back-to-back long-term relationships and may be emotionally tapped out. That kind of pattern creates a craving for freedom not necessarily another person, just space. The tricky part is that he still wants the comfort of your love while exploring that freedom mentally. That’s where the tension comes from.

You’re dealing with emotional whiplash. He went from “you’re everything I ever wanted” to “I’m not sure if I’m ready.” That’s confusing, destabilizing, and naturally makes you hypervigilant you start looking for “hints,” fearing another blindside. That’s not insecurity; that’s your mind trying to protect you. But living in that constant watchfulness will exhaust you and quietly damage the relationship. You can’t relax into love if you’re always waiting for the floor to fall out.

His distance now is defensive, not necessarily final. When you asked if he was cheating or lying, that triggered his guilt and defensiveness. Even though you apologized, he’s retreating emotionally to get control of his feelings. This is normal but painful it’s him trying to avoid conflict and process. Let him have that space; chasing him now will only amplify his doubts.

You need clarity not control. You can’t talk him into commitment, and you shouldn’t try to hold him there through guilt or logic. The better move is to calmly express: “I love you and I value what we’ve built. But I can’t build a future with someone who’s unsure about wanting one. Take the time you need I’ll respect that. But I can’t stay in limbo forever.” That puts dignity and strength back in your corner. You’re not threatening you’re setting emotional boundaries.

Give him time, but set a limit in your mind. Give him a few weeks or even a couple of months to sort his head out but not open-ended time. You deserve stability. If he hasn’t found clarity after that, it’s time to step back and redirect your energy. Relationships shouldn’t drag on indefinite “maybes.” That’s how years get wasted quietly.

Rebuild your own sense of control. Right now your anxiety is running the show waiting for him to text, reading tone shifts, anticipating rejection. Instead, focus on what you can manage: your emotional routine, your law studies, your self-care. It’s not a cliché it’s the antidote to uncertainty. The steadier you become in yourself, the clearer his intentions will appear.

If I were to put it simply: He’s not gone but he’s drifting. The only thing that will either bring him back or clarify your next step is calm, strong boundaries, not fear-based chasing.

Would you like me to help you write the exact short message (or conversation outline) you could use to calmly tell him your stance something that doesn’t sound like pressure but communicates quiet strength?

[Val Unfiltered💋]

oh honey… yeah, that feeling? totally normal 💀 you got blindsided once, your brain is just on high alert now. doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you, it just means your trust got a little bruised.
the deal is to stop obsessing over every word or hint. keep doing your thing, enjoy the moments you have together, and let actions speak louder than your paranoia. trust rebuilds slowly, but it can get better, just don’t let fear run the show 🔥.

[PassionSeeker]

I can feel every bit of what you’re carrying that mix of love, fear, and hope tugging in opposite directions. What April said about relationships needing constant feeding is so true; they starve quietly when stress takes over. And Ethan’s right his uncertainty isn’t really about you. It’s about his own exhaustion and the pattern he’s lived in too long. You just happened to arrive when he finally felt it.

You’ve done the work you listened, adjusted, tried. But now the healing isn’t just about him finding clarity; it’s about you reclaiming your calm. You can love him and still say, “I won’t live half-loved.”

Tell him gently: “I understand you need space to figure things out. I love you, but I also need peace while you do.” Then step back. Not as punishment, but as protection.

If he’s meant to be your forever, he’ll find his way back once the noise in his heart settles. And if not you’ll still have yourself, whole and steady.

[Tara]

You’re not insecure, you’re reacting to a man who made love a performance review. He dangled “maybe I don’t want you” to see how fast you’d hustle to please him. You delivered. Now you’re addicted to reassurance.

Grow up. Stop begging for stability from someone who already showed he can pull it away. Either trust him or leave but quit whining in the middle.

[Flirt Coach]

When someone you love suddenly says, “I don’t want to marry you,” it shakes the ground under your feet even if they later say they didn’t mean it or were just under stress. It’s like a small crack got made in something that used to feel rock solid, and now you can’t help but notice it every time you walk by.

Once a relationship goes through a scare like that, it takes time and consistency to rebuild trust in the security you used to feel. You can’t rush it, and you can’t logic your way out of that uneasy feeling. What helps is seeing, day after day, that the love is still there and that both people are showing up again, not just saying the right words.

It sounds like both of you have made real changes that’s a good sign. You didn’t just talk about fixing things, you actually did something about it. You’re putting in the effort, he’s responding, and the connection seems to be coming back. That’s what healing looks like not perfection, just progress.

Don’t let fear of losing him become the engine that drives your love. When you start walking on eggshells, constantly scanning for signs, you stop being yourself and that’s what kills relationships faster than one bad fight ever could.

Instead of hunting for hints, start watching patterns. Is he showing up for you now? Does he speak to you with respect? Do his actions match his words? If the answer is mostly yes, trust that. Let time do its job. The security you lost doesn’t come back in one big wave it comes back in small moments when you realize he’s still there, still choosing you.

And maybe remind yourself that you bring a lot to this relationship too. You’re working, studying law, building a life that’s strength. He’s lucky to have someone like you who’s self aware enough to want to grow together instead of walking away.

So yeah what you’re feeling is normal. It will get better. Just keep showing up, but don’t disappear into trying to be “perfect” so he won’t leave again. Real love doesn’t need perfection, just two people willing to keep trying, even when things get a little messy.

[Isabella Jones]

I can feel how deeply you love him and how hard you’ve been trying to hold everything together. It’s so clear you’ve both been under pressure, juggling work, school, and responsibilities, and that kind of stress can quietly build walls between two people. When he said he didn’t want to marry you, that must have felt like the floor dropped out from under you. Even though things have improved since then, it’s natural that your heart still feels a little shaky. Once that sense of security is cracked, it takes time and consistency to rebuild it.

What stands out to me is that you both chose to stay and work on things. That says there’s still love worth protecting. But now, your heart is trying to trust again while your mind keeps replaying that moment. I went through something similar once, where a man I loved pulled back suddenly, and even when we made up, I kept waiting for the next sign of trouble. It’s exhausting trying to read between the lines all the time. 💛

Maybe instead of looking for hints, try focusing on patterns. Is he showing up for you? Is he being kind and steady in his actions, not just his words? That’s where real security grows back. Do you think he knows that even though things are better, part of you still feels scared to trust fully again?

[Marcus king]

Hi there,

It sounds like you’re going through a tough time, and I totally get why you’re feeling insecure. When something like this happens, especially after you’ve both been in such a positive place, it can feel like a rug being pulled out from under you.

First, yes, it’s normal to feel insecure after something like this. A moment of doubt or a shocking conversation like the one you had can shake your confidence in the relationship. It’s natural to worry that it could happen again. It’s part of the healing process and trying to rebuild trust, which takes time.

It’s also good that you two talked things out, acknowledged the issues, and have been making efforts to reconnect with each other. More sex, quality time together, and a focus on household responsibilities are great signs that you both care and are working on the relationship.

However, you might be feeling insecure because you still haven’t fully processed the emotions around his comments and his temporary doubts. Your mind might still be stuck on those words and wondering if they reflect deeper feelings that will pop up again in the future.

Here are a few things that might help:

Communicate more openly: It sounds like you’ve already been doing this, but keep it up. Let him know how you’re feeling, but in a way that doesn’t come across as accusatory. For example, you can say something like, “I know things are better now, but I’m still feeling a little insecure about what happened. I just need reassurance sometimes.” It’s okay to express vulnerability.

Set aside time to reconnect emotionally: Sometimes when things get busy, we forget to take time for the emotional connection. Maybe consider doing something that strengthens your emotional bond, like a date night or just chatting about the future and what you both want out of the relationship. Reaffirming your shared goals and love for each other can help ease insecurities.

Avoid overthinking and looking for “hints”: When we feel insecure, it’s easy to start looking for signs or reading into things more than we should. Try to remind yourself that this is a new chapter where you’re both learning and growing together. Don’t let past moments of doubt dictate your present. It may help to focus on actions, not just words. His actions seem to be showing commitment, and that’s something you can lean on.

Take time for self-care: If your own personal life (work, law school, etc.) is adding stress, make sure you’re not losing yourself in the relationship. Take care of yourself, too, and remember you’re a whole person beyond the relationship. Feeling secure in yourself will naturally help you feel more secure in your relationship.

Trust the process: Healing and building trust after a breakdown like this takes time. There will be moments where you still feel anxious, and that’s okay. The key is recognizing that you’re both working through it, and you’re doing the best you can. As time passes and you both keep putting in effort, those insecurities will likely ease.

It might take a little while for your security to feel the same as it once did, but as long as both of you are willing to work on the relationship, it can get better with time. Focus on the positive steps you’ve taken, and give yourself grace as you work through the healing process together.

You’ve got this! Be patient with yourself, and keep building on what you have.

[Sally]

That makes sense. When someone pulls back after making you feel safe, it shakes your trust. You’re not wrong for feeling unsure.

It sounds like you both are trying to make things better, and that’s good. But trust takes time to feel solid again. Try to focus on how he treats you now, not what he said before.

Let his actions show you if he’s really in it. You don’t have to forget what happened, just stop letting the fear control you. Real love feels steadier when you stop waiting for it to fall apart.

[Natalie Noah]

What you’re feeling is completely normal. After a relationship has a scare like that, it’s natural to feel insecure, to overanalyse words, and to look for “hints” of trouble. Your heart wants safety, reassurance, and the comfort of knowing that everything is okay. And when it’s shaken, even briefly, it can take time to rebuild that sense of security.

You two love each other and have a solid foundation. The fact that you’re able to talk, reflect on your behaviours, and adjust shows maturity and commitment.

Stress and external pressures can magnify small issues. Full-time work, law school, business pressure, and building a house that’s a lot. Stress changes how we communicate, how we express needs, and how sensitive we are to frustration.

The initial “blindsiding” was more of a wake-up call than a breakup warning. Your boyfriend was signalling unmet needs, and when subtle hints weren’t enough, he voiced them more strongly. That doesn’t necessarily mean he stopped loving you, it’s just a communication breakdown under stress.

Your insecurity is coming from fear, not reality. You’ve seen what stress can do to your connection, and now you’re hyper-aware, which is natural. But you also see the efforts he’s making now: being appreciative, reconnecting physically and emotionally, and sharing joyful moments on trips. Those are signs of love and investment.

Acknowledge your feelings without letting them control you. It’s okay to feel unsure; it doesn’t mean the relationship is failing.

Focus on the positive actions he’s taking now. Look at his appreciation, his effort, the renewed connection that’s real and tangible.

Keep communication open. Don’t obsess over hints ask directly, gently, and honestly about things that worry you.

Feed the relationship consciously. Small acts of care, shared experiences, and emotional attentiveness will rebuild trust and security faster than worrying ever could.

Remember that relationships take ongoing work. Love isn’t just feeling it’s choosing to connect and nurture each other every day.

It will get better, slowly but surely. Your heart will stop leaping at every word, because you’ll start seeing his love and commitment in real, consistent ways. And one day soon, you’ll remember this period as a turning point. The moment you both learned how to navigate stress together instead of letting it drive a wedge between you.

[Author]

Posts