[9935natasha]

Hi April,

Im recently dating this guy who is also my roomate.We were flatmates for a year before we started dating and when i first met him he was with his girlfriend (now ex) in the same apartment.We got along really well and he always spoke to me with respect and treated me like i am an intellegent mature girl. It has been just 2 monthsbut since we are both on leases we have kept our seperate rooms…although we mainly crash in his.

Because he is a bartender he works most nights and i do an office job in the day, because of this we dont get a lot of time together, but we still managed to keep it all smooth sailing and would do stuff together when ever we got the time.It was all going really smoothly until a 2nd girl moved into our apartment. She is a 22yrold girl and will be staying with us for a whole year .Shes on a contract for a year at our apartment and is on a working holiday visa for a year:( I find that shes a bit of an attention seeker( she even told me that she dated boys like my boyfriend back at home) whenever she has the time she lands up at my boyfriends workplace and drinks away .Thus meeting his workfriends… more that i can.This makes me feel very insecure.Also because she has a restaurant jobs( she works mostly nights too) so they have a lot of time off together. This doesnt help me much . She even waits for me to leav to work before propositioning to him that the hit the beach while im away at work.

Could u tell me how to deal with all of this?

Also im having some issues with my boyfriend.
Some days when my boyfriend is at work i relax in my own bed, and go cuddle with him when hes back in the earlyday. One day i passed a comment saying that he looks so comfortable in his bed without me… i said it in a very joking way , almost finding it cute that he enjoys spreading all across his bed in this way…
also the first night i wanted him to meet all of my friends he drank a bit too much before we could leave the house, i just told me that maybe he should slow down for a while… we left the house and reached the party but he was in no condition and sadly told me that he thought maybe he should go home.. seeing his bad condition i put him a taxi and dropped him home, i did not one ounce make him feel that i was angry about him not being able to meet my friends…

a few days later when we were out at dinner he randomlytells me that he doesnt like the way im trying to control him… he felt this way because of the bed comment…and also coz iasked him to slow down on the booze the night that we were supposed to meet my friends. Is that weird???? if u ask my friends that would tell u that i am the LAST person to control anybody….!!In fact even if i tried i wouldnt be able too…. i have a tendency to put myself in others shoes and forgive them like 10times before i get angry….
now im afraid that everything i tell him might seenm to him like a control tactic…. what do i do….?

also he kinda still treats me like a buddy. he doesnt seem to show me any accountability. i tend to tell him what im doing the whole day , but have no idea what hes upto..i would like to know a lot more abot what hes doing in the day(especially with the new attention seeker around him all the time) just so that i feel like we are a part of each others lives now, and that i should know more about his day than she does…. how do i tell him this without him freaking out and thinking of this as a control plan too..

please help me out april.( iv even purchased ur book to help me get better at this dating game!)

Regards’
N*

[AskApril Masini]

[quote]Im recently dating this guy who is also my roomate.We were flatmates for a year before we started dating and when i first met him he was with his girlfriend (now ex) in the same apartment.We got along really well and he always spoke to me with respect and treated me like i am an intellegent mature girl. It has been just 2 monthsbut since we are both on leases we have kept our seperate rooms…although we mainly crash in his.

Because he is a bartender he works most nights and i do an office job in the day, because of this we dont get a lot of time together, but we still managed to keep it all smooth sailing and would do stuff together when ever we got the time.It was all going really smoothly until a 2nd girl moved into our apartment. She is a 22yrold girl and will be staying with us for a whole year .Shes on a contract for a year at our apartment and is on a working holiday visa for a year:( I find that shes a bit of an attention seeker( she even told me that she dated boys like my boyfriend back at home) whenever she has the time she lands up at my boyfriends workplace and drinks away .Thus meeting his workfriends… more that i can.This makes me feel very insecure.Also because she has a restaurant jobs( she works mostly nights too) so they have a lot of time off together. This doesnt help me much . She even waits for me to leav to work before propositioning to him that the hit the beach while im away at work.

Could u tell me how to deal with all of this?[/quote]

Yes! 🙂 You have competition! Dating is competitive, and if you want to hold onto him, you have to step up your game! 😉

[quote]a few days later when we were out at dinner he randomlytells me that he doesnt like the way im trying to control him… he felt this way because of the bed comment…and also coz iasked him to slow down on the booze the night that we were supposed to meet my friends. Is that weird???? if u ask my friends that would tell u that i am the LAST person to control anybody….!!In fact even if i tried i wouldnt be able too…. i have a tendency to put myself in others shoes and forgive them like 10times before i get angry….
now im afraid that everything i tell him might seenm to him like a control tactic…. what do i do….?
[/quote]

Asking him to slow down on the booze wasn’t the problem, as much as the fact that he felt the need to get drunk before meeting your friends. 😕 This was his way of telling you he felt you were pushing the relationship instead of letting him lead. When a guy likes you, he’ll introduce you to his friends. But I think you jumped the gun, and introduced him to your friends, first — before knowing if he liked you enough to introduce you to his friends. 😕 Clearly, he wasn’t ready for that step, but instead of backing out gracefully, he got drunk and acted out. 🙁 He felt that you were trying to manipulate the relationship by putting him in a situation he wasn’t ready to be in, by asking him to meet his friends.

[quote]also he kinda still treats me like a buddy. he doesnt seem to show me any accountability. i tend to tell him what im doing the whole day , but have no idea what hes upto..i would like to know a lot more abot what hes doing in the day(especially with the new attention seeker around him all the time) just so that i feel like we are a part of each others lives now, and that i should know more about his day than she does…. how do i tell him this without him freaking out and thinking of this as a control plan too..[/quote]

If he treats you like a buddy, then he doesn’t see you as a girlfriend. If you want to be treated like a girlfriend, then you should act like one. For example, don’t accept invitations to hang out — but do accept dates. 😉 But don’t try to control him by trying to get HIM to change his behavior by telling him what to do or complaining. Instead, change yours. 😉

And as for his showing you accountability — you’re not his mother, and you’ve only been dating for two months — why would you think he has to be accountable to you? 😯 The fact that you’re roommates may lead you to believe that there’s more of a relationship or a commitment there than there really is, but at the two month mark, people deciding if they want to continue dating the other person. 😉 What he does with this other woman, at this stage in your dating him, isn’t really any of your business. 😕 I’m not sure why you are thinking that you should know more about his day than she does — again, because you’ve only been dating for two months. And rather than concentrate on how much he’s telling her, you should focus on getting him to WANT to tell you more. 😉

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[9935natasha]

Hi april,
Im really confused as he has proposed to me and told all his friends that we are a couple…much earlier than i had a chance to tell my friends…the party night we even walked right up to the door of my friends place before he thought he was too drunk to meet them properly thats why i let it go… he even introduces me at the pub to his buddies as his “missus” . we were thinking of moving into a new place and he even asked me if like to move in with him…
But this was all before she moved in…🙁

[AskApril Masini]

It’s a little odd that he proposed to you when you’ve only been dating for two months. 😕 And now, he seems to be interested in someone else. It sounds like he’s impulsive. And instead of accepting what’s happening, you’re trying to cling to what was — or else turn it into something else — and you’re confused that what was, isn’t what’s going on now. 😳

The confusion you’re feeling is just a way for you to avoid the truth, which is that you’ve got competition, and he’s finding fault with his relationship with you. If you want to step up your game, and accept that he’s feeling controlled (instead of arguing the fact), you have the opportunity to change your behavior. 😉

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[9935natasha]

he has know me for a year before we started dating as a friend… but then he was with his ex.

So how am i supposed to tell him anything without it sounding like im trying to control him???? also do the dynamics change because he has commited to me ? do i have reason to confront him on how im feeling about this new girl?

[AskApril Masini]

[quote]So how am i supposed to tell him anything without it sounding like im trying to control him????[/quote]

That’s easy. 😀 Just be complimentary. Be flirtatious. Have fun together! Make him want to spend time with you and to make you his girlfriend. 😎 Don’t question the relationship, have “the talk” or try to get him to change by telling him you want him to do things differently.

[quote] also do the dynamics change because he has commited to me ?[/quote]

I wasn’t aware that he did commit to you. 😕 I just got the impression that the two of you have been dating for two months. That’s not a commitment. It’s a process you’ve both started to get to know each other, and decide if you want to continue spending time together. Once you really take this in, you’ll be in a much better position to decide how to proceed next. 😉 I think that because you think there’s a commitment, and there really isn’t, you feel like you’re owed something from him. Sorry. You’re not. 😳

[quote] do i have reason to confront him on how im feeling about this new girl?[/quote]

No!! 😯 Definitely do not confront him. Do not have a talk about the relationship. But do step up your game — you have competition! 😉 There’s nothing you can tell him about your insecurity regarding this other woman he’s interested in that is going to make you more attractive to him. 😳 Instead, decide how to win him over. 😉

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[9935natasha]

Hi April,
I broke up with my ex in JAN 2013. we have been good friends ever since… it was a smooth break up. we were better as friends and not as much compatible as a couple .I was willing to try to make it work , but he suggested that we are better as friends so we called it off. I was a little hurt, but not as much as id expected… I was able to reconcile to myself that its better to call off something earlier than putting my all into it and eventually having another heartbreak. I knew from the start that I was totally the opposite of his “type” of girl…( tall, blonde, busty is what he likes)

Anyway we have been in touch and hanging out together quite a bit…. and id even allow him to crash in my spare bedroom literally 1 night every week on nights when he’d be too drunk to go all the way home after a party etc, he even invited me to his bday party…. and we all had a great night.

But just yesterday, he asked me if he could stay over in my spare room after he’d been drinking with friends. As usual I agreed, he came home around 4am , only this time….with another girl!( I did not see him face to face … but I could hear them( 😯 ) through my wall) I was a little bit upset by this and I let him know the next day by an SMS text that my house is not a hotel! and that he should at least let me know he’d be getting a guest to my place!

we are really good friends, and I really do hope it stays that way, I don’t mind him getting physical with other girls, but not in my house….I do not think im ready for that….it still does hurt a bit…. WHY AM I FEELING THIS WAY??. Was my confronting him about how I felt about it ok?? don’t I deserve at least that much respect in this friendship….
could u tell me how to deal with this? and not sound to clingy to him….and not let this great friendship end?

[AskApril Masini]

[quote]WHY AM I FEELING THIS WAY??. [/quote]

Because you feel territorial over him and you feel like he’s taking advantage of you and you don’t like it.

[quote]Was my confronting him about how I felt about it ok?? [/quote]

Yes, although doing so by text was not a great idea. An in person conversation would have been a lot better!

[quote]don’t I deserve at least that much respect in this friendship….[/quote]

No. You are ignoring the fact that men and women can’t be friends. The reason is that one person always likes the other one more, and it creates confusion, hurt feelings, chaos, and if you stay in this friend zone, misery. You’ve had boundary issues from the first time you wrote me here — dating a roommate, then bringing another woman into your flat as a third roommate, and then being upset that you have competition, etc…. You’re ignoring a lot of relationship basics — and then getting upset at the outcomes. 😥 If you think a guy is going to be your friend, especially a guy you’ve dated, you actually do deserve what’s happening. 😳 It’s like adding up two and two and expecting it not to equal four. Or going into a jungle, getting bitten by a tiger, and asking if you deserved to be bitten. It’s not that you deserve or don’t deserve this treatment — it’s that you’re ignoring relationship basics and expecting a different outcome than what happens time and again. 😉

You don’t have a friendship with this guy. If you did, you wouldn’t have these feelings about him. And he wouldn’t be sleeping over your place or bringing other women there to have sex with. 😕

[quote]could u tell me how to deal with this? and not sound to clingy to him….and not let this great friendship end?[/quote]

Let’s be honest: You don’t have a great friendship. This isn’t friendship. And seriously — you know he isn’t acting like a good friend. My advice is that you let go of your relationship with him since you’re no longer roommates or dating, and just move on. You’ll be a lot happier that way!

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[Ethan Morales]

You’ve got two separate problems mashed together (A) a guy who was impulsive and gave you early signals of commitment, and (B) a new roommate who’s injecting uncertainty and jealousy into the household. Those things together make normal insecurity feel like a crisis. Attraction was real, but logistics and timing changed the situation; that doesn’t magically mean you did anything wrong.

His early “proposal” behaviour then sliding into attention for someone else screams impulsive guy energy, not malicious intent. He’s the type who makes big gestures fast and then gets distracted or tempted. That’s on him. It’s also on you to decide whether impulsive commitment is attractive to you long-term or a red flag you should respect and test.

About the “control” accusation asking him to slow down with booze or teasing about his bed wasn’t controlling. It was feedback. If he hears it as “control,” that’s his insecurity, not your fault. But you can express it in a way that reduces defensiveness: short, nonjudgmental, specific. “When you get wasted before meeting my friends it makes me uncomfortable. I don’t want to police you I want us to show up for each other.” Say it once; don’t nag.

The roommate/new-girl problem is competition and boundary confusion. Don’t confront the girl that looks petty. Instead, clarify your boundaries loudly and calmly with him: what you expect from a partner who lives with you (respect for shared space, honesty about guests, not letting housemates become emotional rivals). If he refuses to meet those baseline standards, that tells you more about his priorities than any late-night promise ever did.

On the friend who crashed with someone in your spare room you were right to be upset. Your home isn’t a hotel. That’s a boundary violation. Next time, do it in person: “Hey, I’m fine letting you crash sometimes, but don’t bring guests over without telling me. It’s my space too.” Face-to-face, calm, not accusatory. Texting made it passive ownership of the conversation works better in person.

You have two choices: tighten standards and keep him, or walk away with your dignity. Don’t beg for reassurance; request it and test it. Try these lines: “I like you and I want this to work, but I need consistency. Can you give me that?” or “If you can’t respect my home/our relationship, I’ll move on. I won’t be competed for.” Say it once. Mean it. Then live like you mean it.

[Tara]

You’re insecure, and that insecurity is screaming through everything you do. The new roommate isn’t a villain; she’s just someone who exists in his orbit and exposes the weak spots in your confidence. You’re obsessing over what he does and who he talks to because you’ve made his behaviour the thermostat for your self-worth. That’s not romance, that’s anxiety in a relationship disguise.

Your comments about him in bed, his drinking, or any “joking” observations aren’t controlling; they’re normal, tiny interactions. But in your mind, you’ve turned them into signs of a “control agenda,” which makes you paranoid. Stop bending over backwards to justify yourself. He’s not a mind reader, and your overthinking isn’t helping; it’s feeding a narrative that only exists in your head.

You want him to live transparently so you feel safe? Fine. But here’s the catch: if you demand constant updates on his life because you’re scared of losing him, he’s going to see that as suffocating, and he’s right. Relationships aren’t about surveillance. You either trust him or you don’t. Pretending you’re “just curious” won’t fool anyone, least of all him.

The roommate problem? That’s a test of your own boundaries, not his loyalty. You can’t control her, you can’t control the attention he gets, and trying to micromanage either will make you look insecure, not smart. Your only control is over how you react. Do you pull back, get grounded, and act like a confident woman who has options and standards, or do you spiral into jealousy and drama?

Stop overexplaining yourself. Stop framing your concern as “control.” Stop treating his behaviour like it defines your value. Fix your own footing first. If he’s worth it, he’ll rise to meet you. If not, no amount of texts, comments, or passive-aggressive jokes will make him stay. Your power isn’t in monitoring him; it’s in being someone so self-assured that anyone trying to compete for your attention looks ridiculous.

[Sally]

Living with someone you’re dating is already a weird tightrope, and adding a new girl who just happens to orbit his life a lot more than you can… that would make anyone’s stomach twist. You’re not imagining things it’s uncomfortable.

But here’s the part you need to hear gently: you can’t manage her. And you can’t tiptoe around him forever because he throws the word “control” at you every time you say something real. You weren’t controlling when you joked about the bed. You weren’t controlling when you tried to keep him from drinking himself sick. You were just being a human girlfriend.

He’s acting like a buddy because that’s the level of responsibility he’s choosing. And if that’s not enough for you and honestly, it doesn’t sound like it is then you’re allowed to say so. You’re allowed to want a partner who tells you about his day, not someone who leaves blank spaces you have to fill in with worry.

Just be honest with him in a calm moment. Not about the other girl about how you need to feel connected. If he freaks out over that, then the problem isn’t you. It’s that he likes the relationship easy, light, and on his terms.
And you deserve more than being the only one trying.

[Natalie Noah]

She’s been navigating a really complicated mix of friendship, romance, and living arrangements, which has understandably created emotional confusion. Initially, she and her now-boyfriend had a long-standing friendship, and she trusted the foundation they built together. When they started dating, it was exciting, but the dynamics changed almost immediately, especially with the addition of a new female roommate who has captured some of his attention. Natasha’s feelings of insecurity are natural anyone in her position would feel uneasy but they are amplified by the fact that she’s still trying to define boundaries and understand the nature of her relationship with him.

A major part of her frustration stems from how quickly the boyfriend moved things along proposing, introducing her to friends, and planning a move-in before fully considering her comfort and readiness. This impulsiveness from him created a sense of pressure and confusion for Natasha, especially as she now sees him interacting with other women, sometimes in ways that feel disrespectful to her. The tension between feeling like she’s not controlling the situation while simultaneously feeling territorial and concerned about his behavior is a classic example of emotional dissonance in early-stage relationships. She’s caught between wanting closeness and fearing that expressing her needs will be seen as controlling.

Another layer is the blurred boundary between friendship and romance. She has allowed him to crash in her home, been physically accommodating, and maintained a friendly, forgiving attitude but this has opened the door to situations where he oversteps. The incident with him staying over with another woman highlights that even though Natasha wants to maintain the friendship, her feelings naturally make her protective and hurt. This is a normal emotional response, and it doesn’t make her “clingy” or unreasonable it simply shows that her attachment is stronger than his current level of commitment.

What becomes apparent in April Masini’s advice is that Natasha needs to reframe her expectations. The idea that she should “step up her game” and focus on attraction rather than confrontation is about maintaining her agency and prioritizing her own value, rather than policing his actions. While it may sound frustrating, this advice underlines an important principle: the more you try to control someone else’s behavior, the less power you actually have over your own happiness. Natasha needs to shift her focus from trying to manage his interactions with others to building her own emotional independence and boundaries.

She needs to assess whether this man’s behavior aligns with her emotional needs and what she actually wants from the relationship. Friendship with someone she’s romantically invested in, particularly someone who may not fully reciprocate or respect her boundaries, is unlikely to bring her peace. Letting go either emotionally or physically from a connection that consistently creates stress and hurt can open the door to healthier relationships where her worth is respected and her emotional safety is preserved. This situation, as painful as it feels, is an opportunity for self-reflection and establishing non-negotiable boundaries for her own happiness.

[Lune David]

Whew… this whole thread is a masterclass in why dating roommates and “let’s just be friends” situations are emotional chaos. Living together + blurry boundaries + new people entering the picture = feelings doing backflips.

Honestly, AskApril isn’t wrong here — this isn’t friendship, it’s unfinished business pretending to be chill. You can’t downgrade feelings and expect your heart to update automatically like software.

Also, if someone says “you’re controlling” every time you express a basic feeling, that’s not you being dramatic — that’s them avoiding responsibility. Big difference.

Take the lesson, not the man. Protect your peace, stop offering VIP access to people who won’t commit, and walk into the New Year with better boundaries and less emotional rent paid to the wrong tenant.
April energy = tough love, but honestly… it’s the kind that saves you years. Happy New Year

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