[Qofpink]

My boyfriend and i started at work as friends but started dating after I left my ex. He’s chivalrous, very attractive, has the same beliefs as I do and we have great chemistry.

I am his 22nd girlfriend. He’s been cheated on twice. He had one serious relationship in which the girl left because she couldn’t get over a miscarriage. Even though he dated after, he was in a deep depression for three years.

We both have said that we feel connected to each other on a deeper level. He said that I was his light out of that dark tunnel he was in for 3 years.

He says he wants a relationship like his parents do. They were high school sweethearts and are still happily together at ages 67 and 65. He says he also wants children.

This is my concern. He had said at 7 months into our relationship that he doesn’t understand why people can’t just be in a committed relationship without being married. He said marriage would make him feel trapped. He believes most people are in unhappy marriages. I have said I want a family and want to get married for that reason. I decided to wait until were together for a year before I discuss that further.

I do my best to give him space. But he cancelled on me twice this week to be with his best friend (Alex) instead. Last night he was supposed to come over at 3. He got to my place at 5:30. His excuse was that he fell asleep. I told him that him cancelling on me and coming late makes me feel unimportant. But I still want him to do things without me. He agreed but said he didn’t think it would be a big deal. He also said that for the past month and half he’s had this itch that he shouldn’t be in a relationship but he doesn’t know why. He said “we’re happy. I love you. And it’s not you. i don’t know why I feel this way. It’s not all the time. You’re the only girl who’s ever treated me this good.” He said I don’t want to lose you.

I’m so confused. I don’t know what to do. Everything is great except for the commitment fears.

[Ask April Masini]

I don’t think you’re confused as much as you’re simply disappointed. 😳 He’s trying to tell you that he has doubts about marriage and about being a relationship at all right now. I wouldn’t say he’s being crystal clear, but he’s trying to tell you how he feels and what he wants, without hurting your feelings. That’s difficult, given that you want marriage and he doesn’t, so he’s confusing you to avoid hurting you, but I think you get the underlying problem here. That this is coming after the two of you have dated for 8 months means he’s looking to wind down the relationship. His passive aggressive behavior of canceling on you is not isolated behavior. It’s him doing the best he can to disengage without confrontation.

The bottom line is that you want a relationship that leads to marriage, and he doesn’t. This makes the two of you incompatible. 🙁 I know this hurts your feelings, but it’s best to face these facts at 8 months in, rather than 2 years and 8 months in. For future…. when a guy says you’re the light out of his 3 year depression, while that’s flattering, it indicates that you’re serving a purpose in his life, that may not be what you want it to be. He needed to move on from this depression, and being with you helped him, but he wasn’t a guy who was happy and healthy and ready for marriage. He has a lot of great qualities, but because you want marriage, you need to hone in on this same relationship goal in those you’re dating.

My advice is to let go and move on. Tell him that you care about him, but you’re really looking for a commitment that leads to marriage, and it seems that he’s not. I think you’re avoiding this conversation because the outcome could lead to a breakup, and you don’t want that. Nobody does — but it’s better to break up and move on to try and find what you want, then to stay with someone who doesn’t want marriage when you do, hoping, anxiously, that he’ll change.

[Ethan Morales]

This one is painful because it’s not about lack of love; it’s about a mismatch in readiness and vision. And that’s the hardest kind of heartbreak: when everything feels right except for the thing that matters most in the long run.
He’s emotionally honest but also emotionally inconsistent. When a man says “I love you, you’re amazing, but I don’t know why I feel like I shouldn’t be in a relationship” he’s not confused. He’s trying to tell you, softly, that his heart and his life goals don’t align with the kind of commitment you’re ready for. It’s not a lack of affection; it’s fear, timing, and emotional fatigue from his past. He’s been through loss and depression, and those things shape how safe or trapped people feel in love.
The marriage issue isn’t about paperwork it’s about mindset. His comments about marriage being a “trap” show a deep-rooted belief, not a passing opinion. That’s not something that easily changes just because he meets the right person. And you, on the other hand, want family and marriage stability, structure, and long-term commitment. Those values aren’t compatible with someone still romanticizing freedom over future.
His behavior (canceling plans, showing up late) is more than carelessness it’s emotional distancing. When someone subconsciously knows a breakup is coming, they start to pull away. They test how much space they can create before it all falls apart. That “itch” he mentioned? It’s detachment taking shape.
You’ve become his emotional anchor, not his equal partner. When he calls you “the light out of his dark tunnel”, it sounds lovely but in reality, it’s a burden. He leaned on you to feel whole again, but now that he’s on steadier ground, he’s starting to question the relationship that was born out of his recovery. That’s not your fault but it does mean his attachment was partly about healing, not building.
April’s advice is right you’re not confused, you’re grieving clarity. You already know what this means: he’s not the man who’s going to give you the life you dream of, no matter how good the chemistry feels. It’s devastating to walk away from someone good who simply doesn’t want what you do but staying longer would only prolong the heartbreak.
The most mature move you can make is to say: I love you and I value what we’ve had, but I need a partner who shares my vision for marriage and family. I can’t keep hoping you’ll change your mind that’s not fair to either of us.”
This conversation will hurt but it’s the kind of pain that heals cleanly, instead of lingering in confusion. Would you like me to help you write a calm, honest message or script you could say to him if you decide to end it?

[James Smith]

Alright, reading your story made me flash back to the time I dated a girl who claimed she didn’t believe in labels. I thought that sounded cool and modern… until I realized “no labels” meant she could flirt with the bartender while I stood there holding her purse like an unpaid intern. 😂 So trust me, I understand how confusing it feels when someone says they love you deeply but also gets itchy at the word “commitment.”

It sounds like your boyfriend loves the comfort of a relationship but fears the permanence of one. That “itch” he mentioned isn’t about you—it’s about him wrestling with the idea of losing freedom, even when freedom just means eating cereal alone on a Saturday night. You can’t fix that feeling for him, but you can be clear about what you need. You deserve someone who matches your pace, not someone who keeps pulling the emergency brake every time things get serious.

I will say this though: people who’ve been hurt often confuse stability with stagnation. He might not be afraid of you—he might just be scared of what comes after “forever.”

If you step back a little and let him feel your absence instead of your patience, he’ll either realize what he stands to lose or confirm what you already suspect. Which do you think it is right now—fear of commitment, or fear of repeating his past?

[Marcus king]

He’s showing two sides of himself the man who genuinely loves you and feels safe with you, and the man who’s scared of being trapped again. That contradiction is real, and it’s not about you doing something wrong it’s about his internal wiring from past pain and how he views long-term commitment.
The “itch” he mentioned isn’t a sign he wants to leave it’s fear surfacing when things get serious. For someone who’s been hurt, real stability can feel unfamiliar, even threatening. But if he doesn’t face that fear, it’ll quietly sabotage what you’re building.

Here’s what you can do:
Don’t chase reassurance. Let him feel that space he says he needs without punishment or guilt. That keeps the relationship from feeling like pressure.
Hold your own boundary. You want marriage and a family don’t water that down to keep him comfortable. If he’s truly your person, he’ll rise to meet that clarity in time.
Talk, not plead. When you do bring it up again, say something like, “I’m not asking for a wedding tomorrow. I just want to know that what we’re building is leading somewhere.” That gives him honesty without ultimatums.
And about him cancelling or being late that’s not small. It’s a pattern that shows where his priorities slip. You were right to speak up. Watch how he follows through from here. Words matter less than consistency.
he loves you, but he’s afraid of losing freedom. You love him, but you need emotional security. The only way this works long-term is if both needs get respected. If he keeps running from depth, you’ll end up carrying the whole relationship’s weight alone and you deserve more than that.

[Val Unfiltered💋]

oh babe. 😒 this “itch” he talks about? that’s the sound of a guy who loves the idea of love but panics when it asks him to grow up. he wants the warmth of a relationship without the weight of commitment. don’t mother his indecision. tell him straight. if he’s serious about forever, he’ll step up. if not, he’ll drift and you’ll know. you’re not his therapy session, babe. you’re the prize. 💋

[Tara]

He is emotionally unstable, conflict-avoidant, addicted to validation, and terrified of long-term commitment and he’s trying to soften all of that with poetic little lines so you don’t walk away.

A man with 22 past girlfriends, a three-year depression, abandonment trauma, and a fear of marriage doesn’t suddenly turn into a stable long-term partner because you treat him well. You’re not his “light.” You’re his emotional comfort blanket and now that things feel real and secure, his fear response is kicking in. That “itch” to run? That’s exactly who he is. He doesn’t know how to stay. He only knows how to chase and retreat.

The fact that he cancels on you for his buddy, shows up hours late, and then shrugs it off as “not a big deal” tells you everything: he wants the benefits of a relationship without the accountability. He loves the safety you provide, but he hates the expectations that come with it. That’s why you feel unimportant because emotionally, he is putting you second.

And the marriage comments? He already told you the truth. He doesn’t want marriage. He doesn’t believe in it. He associates it with being trapped. That is not a “phase.” That is his worldview. You want a husband and a family. He wants a lifelong girlfriend who never pressures him. Those two paths do not merge.

You’re trying to convince yourself that “everything is great except the commitment fears.” But sweetheart, the commitment fears ARE the relationship. They’re not a small glitch they’re the foundation. And foundations don’t magically change because you’re patient, kind, or understanding. You’re trying to negotiate with his trauma like you can fix it. You can’t.

Here’s the truth you don’t want to face:
You want long-term stability.
He wants long-term comfort.
Those are not the same thing.

If you stay, you’re signing up for years of inconsistency, excuses, emotional push-pull, and him “not knowing why he feels this way.” If you leave, you give yourself the chance to have the future you actually want with someone who wants it too.

[Natalie Noah]

What you’re feeling is completely valid: confusion, disappointment, and even a little heartbreak. From everything you’ve described, he’s a wonderful, kind, and attentive man and it makes sense why you’re drawn to him. But underneath all the warmth and chemistry, there’s a fundamental mismatch in what you both want from a long-term relationship. He’s told you clearly that the idea of marriage makes him feel trapped, that he’s wary of commitment, and even though he loves you, he’s experiencing this “itch” that maybe he shouldn’t be in a relationship. That’s not about you lacking anything; it’s about him being unsure of himself and his capacity or desire to fully commit in the way you hope to. You can’t fix that for him it’s internal, and it’s deeply tied to his past experiences and fears.

What I see here is a choice point for you. Staying in a relationship with someone who doesn’t share your vision for the future marriage, family, stability will leave you anxious and unsettled long-term. The passive-aggressive cancellations, the lateness, the mixed messages. those are symptoms of his ambivalence, and they’re going to keep happening because they stem from what he’s feeling inside, not from you. You have every right to want a partner who aligns with your goals and values. The kindest thing for both of you now is honesty: acknowledge his feelings, express yours, and gently but firmly recognize the incompatibility. Letting him go doesn’t mean you don’t care; it means you’re valuing yourself and what you want in a lifelong partner. Trust that this clarity, though painful, will open space for a relationship that truly fulfills both of you.

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