[aisukissu]

Been an official couple for 6 months now.

In February we got into an argument and my BF says to me,” you’re such a broken, bitter person who holds grudges. SHEESH!”
(we were in disagreement about how he thought I should be handling the mending of my relationship with my brother-in-law for the sake of my relationship with my sister).
His apology, “I’m sorry for saying those hurtful things. I really didn’t mean them. You just wouldn’t listen to reason.”
Me,” it’s not ok for you to say hurtful things to me because you feel so. Is that how you really see me?”

Last weekend on while on a 3 hour hike, we got into another disagreement. I tell him that who is now was not the person I fell so suddenly in love with back in October. I told him I felt deceived by him.
How?
1. I was a vegan, I practiced yoga everyday, went on daily walks/jogs, thoroughly enjoy the outdoors and I prefer my homecooked/raw meals, do not eat processed or fast food. ( when I offered him to taste my dishes he did even when he clearly didn’t want to, NOW – it’s always a “no” we only eat at places he can eat at. He doesn’t suggest restaurants that are vegan let alone vegan friendly. He tells me I choose to be very complicated when I shouldn’t be. When we do dine at a spot I can eat at we have to go to another for him.
He- complete opposite lifestyle, loves his steak, gym rat, fast food, chips, fried food & sweet drinks= 90% of his diet.
When we met he pursued me for 2 months telling me how much he adores me and (his actions showed this too) how he could see himself with me for the rest of his life and he wouldn’t have an issue adapting to my lifestyle.
I never liked going with him to his family’s events because he didn’t make an effort to accommodate my diet. He assumed if there was salad I should be set (I always had iceberg salad with a side of lemons.) – I noticed a pattern to his ways of “accommodating” my diet when dining with his family and friends. On a trip back to my place after leaving Buca Di Peppo with his family, I asked him to stop by a Del Taco so I could grab some pinto beans. He said to me,” Do you ever feel like you’re making things difficult with how you choose to eat? Wouldn’t it be easier if you just started eating meat again or normal foods?” Me,” I don’t believe so. I’m consistently altering my diet to accommodate you and your family. If this is difficult for anyone, it’s for me. I don’t understand why who I am is bothering you now.”

2. He was let go from his job in executive management after 5 years because the company refused to approve his family leave request, this completely changed who was and is.
Consequently, lost his job, his condo resulting in moving back home to live with his parents. The last time he lived at home was when he was 17 (32 years old now).

3. This brings me back to last weekend on that 3 hour hike.
He told me he doesn’t like to go on new adventures, or any with me anymore because he feels that he can’t be himself with me anymore because I’m too uptight and he’s not having fun anymore…
After I told him I feel like he’s been deceiving me for a really long time, based on the unfolding events in our relationship. He got upset and said to me,” You’re such a sad person. Look at you, you have a sad life. You have no friends. No family. No one. Look at where you are in your life. At least I have have my family and my friends. You have no one.”
…. he apologized later that day. But I couldn’t shake the things he’s chosen to say.

4. Three days ago, when I brought up the 3 hour hike day we needless to say we got into another one.
I told him that I’m still very bothered by the things he said on that day and I don’t know how to move forward. He kept saying that he only said it because he was hurt by me saying he deceived me when he hasn’t. “I can’t even talk to my best friend anymore because of you.” (this is the inappropriate female BFF who he said he was going to create distance to show me how much i really do mean to him, I was afraid he was doing it all for the wrong reasons & not because he truly understood my feelings regarding their inappropriate friendship. This response has confirmed my suspicions of his “solution”)
He’s upset with me for not “forgetting” and “forgiving” him for those and for not taking accountability for provoking him to say those things.

The dilemia:
how do you get over these horrible things said by the person who claims to love you. I feel like he doesn’t make any effort to stop and not say those things. He’s given me a long list of “forget” and he keeps adding to that growing list.
is it okay for him to say hurtful things (that obviously lingers) to me and expects me to forget it and if i can’t I’m the bad “gf who likes drama and hold’s grudges”.
Is it possible to be okay with this?
When do you know when to walk away?
Am I stupid for still staying in this relationship?
How do I get him to understand without him feeling attacked? feeling like a lousy bf?

[AskApril Masini]

Please re-post this question as a “reply” to the string of posts you’ve already started on this site. It’s a lot easier for me to see your history and give you better advice that way. I’ll look out for your repost and answer you there. 😀

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