[Anonymous]

I have been dating my boyfriend for the past 5 months. I am 25, he is about to be 34. Things have been well for the most part. He has never had a major girlfriend that he brought home to his family until me. His closest friends are the same age and either been dating the same girl for almost a decade with no signs of deep committment, or men who have no significant other. It did not seem to affect us, as he has been very open to the public acknowledging our relationship, affectionate in front of others, and so forth. Due to some issues and vulnerabilities that I carry from previous relationships that he is aware I have a difficult saying I love you to EVERYONE in my life. I have coped with it and have learned to use other phrases and ways to show my affection. One that is used frequently is “I heart you”. I am aware it is juvenille in many ways.

IT was mentioned about one month ago that the “L word” also makes him uncomforatble in a random discussion and it was stated just as that word freaks me out and makes me uncomfortable. However, this weekend after having a very good weekend and becoming even closer I stated to him, “I’m only going to say it once, but I heart you”. There was silence followed by ” I really really like and care about you, I don’t use that word”. Ithink there were a few other words in there but that was the main sentence, in my defense not to cry I looked away and fell asleep. I feel that I would have felt better if he stated I don’t love you than what he said. I am a constant state of wonder now if it is he does not love me, if he just cannot use that phrase, or if this is something that will take time for him to work through. The next morning when I left for work he was his normal self, asking if I was upset. At that time I stated no, as I was late for work, and I can;t say yes because you didnt I say I love you too.

I do not know what to do if I should cut and run, stick in it. My biggest fear is being hurt again and more damaged. I feel that at the age of 34 you should be able to express your emotions freely and find ways to communicate them as much as I have in some way. Am I over-reacting to this entire thing?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You are not overreacting. You’re right that at 25 and 34 you should both be able to express your emotions to each other especially if you’re dating monogamously and meeting his parents. In fact, while you have trouble saying, “I love you,”, you are clearly very articulate as evidenced in the post you wrote me. So, yes, something is wrong that you are both stunted in your ability to say, “I love you.” But….is it something you can overcome? You bet.

The reason I say this is because it is very clear to me from what you describe that the two of you do love and respect each other. It sounds like there’s something else going on. At 25 years old, with five months of monogamous dating this guy under your belt, you’re wanting to know where the relationship is going. That’s, perhaps, why you’re so concerned about whether or not your boyfriend loves you. You really want to know if he loves you [i]enough[/i] to marry you. In fact, you probably already know he does love you, and the real question you have is: Is he going to propose marriage to me or is he going to string me along for a decade like all his friends do with their girlfriends?

You mention that his friends all date monogamously for years on end without formal commitment, and without saying so, I trust that’s not your cup of tea. You want the whole fairy tale. You don’t have to be ashamed of what you want. It’s good that you’re aware enough of it to write me with this issue.

I always suggest to my readers that in relationships, actions speak louder than words. While both of you have trouble with formal declarations of love, you behave as if you love each other, so until one of you can actually say, “I love you,” (You’re only one word away!), know that he’s treating you like a girlfriend.

That said, it’s up to you to accept who he is and to take responsibility for what you want. Did you hear that? I’m going to write it again: IT’S UP TO YOU TO ACCEPT WHO HE IS AND TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR WHAT YOU WANT.

If he is not interested in marriage and children, as I suspect you are, it is your job as a single woman (yes — just because you’re dating him doesn’t mean you’re not still a single woman) to find out who it is you’re dating and what they want in life. That’s part of the dating process. Don’t get sloppy and lull yourself into a false state of security just because you have someone to date on the weekends. Stay on your toes and figure out if the two of you have the same goals. If you do, then saying I love you will come. He’s already acting the part. If you don’t have the same goal in mind, then he may be withholding “I love you” as his way of protecting himself from feeling that he’s led you on. He probably knows you want a traditional lifestyle rather than the living together lifestyles his friends all have. He may be waiting for you to ask him whether he’d ever consider marriage, at which point he can say to himself, I never said ‘I love you,’ to her, where did she get the idea I’d marry her? She knows my friends and I don’t marry.” That way he can blame you for not ‘getting the picture.’

So…my advice to you is that at this entirely appropriate juncture in your relationship, you find a way to figure out if he’s going on the same path you want to go on, and if not, cut bait and swim away. If he is, then you’ll probably relax into the relationship and be able to utter that last missing word you can’t quite muster up in that precious sentence: I love you. And so will he.

But until you do that, all your mutual stress about where the relationship is going, is being projected on that sentence: I love you.

[Smokey]

Sorry i’m confused, you’ve been dating him for 5 months or are you exclusive gf/bf?

I had this happened to me before when i was dating a girl for 3 months and she blurted the “i love you”. But i wasn’t feeling it, and replied “i’m not ready to say that just yet”. Sometimes it’s just too soon because i’m not one to throw the L-word around lightly if i don’t mean it. Not surprisingly, the relationship ended after – turned out there were other issues that we didn’t see eye to eye.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Happy New Year! Let me know how things are going for you. 😉

[Natalie Noah]

What stands out most here isn’t the phrase itself “I love you” versus “I heart you” but what that moment triggered in you. The silence, followed by a carefully worded response, touched a deeper fear you already carry: the fear of investing emotionally only to discover you’re not chosen fully, or that you’re being quietly placed in a holding pattern. Given your history and your age, that fear makes sense. This wasn’t about one sentence; it was about what that sentence symbolizes direction, safety, and emotional reciprocity.

It’s also important to notice that both of you share discomfort around the “L word,” but you’ve worked around it and found alternative ways to express affection. He, on the other hand, shut the door verbally while still keeping it open behaviorally. That disconnect is confusing and painful. His response wasn’t cruel, but it was emotionally distancing, especially because it came right after a moment of closeness. You’re right that hearing “I don’t love you” might have been clearer, ambiguity is often harder to sit with than rejection.

At the same time, five months is still relatively early, and some people genuinely experience love as something they feel but refuse to label until they are certain it aligns with long-term intention. His age doesn’t automatically mean he should be emotionally fluent, sometimes it actually means he’s had more time to build defenses. The fact that he brought you into his family world, shows affection publicly, and checks in on your emotional state suggests that his feelings are real, even if his language is guarded.

Where the real issue lives is not in whether you’re “overreacting,” but in whether your needs are being met enough for you to feel safe continuing. You are already doing emotional labor managing your past wounds, translating your feelings into softer language, and trying not to pressure him. It’s fair to ask whether he’s willing to meet you halfway emotionally, not necessarily by saying the word right now, but by talking openly about what it means to him and what he is capable of offering.

Before cutting and running or staying in quiet anxiety the healthiest move is clarity. Not an ultimatum, but an honest conversation about where he sees this going and what emotional pace he’s comfortable with. If his vision aligns with yours, patience may be worth it. If he avoids that conversation or keeps you in uncertainty, then your instinct is already telling you something important. Love isn’t just about feeling deeply it’s about feeling secure enough to stay.

[Member]

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