[Rg231]

Here’s the story.
I’ve worked with this girl for over a year.
My ex girlfriend and I broke up 6-7 months ago.
This girl has a boyfriend currently- they have been dating for some time.
I don’t know her or her friends/her crowd.
I am 23, she is 22

Anyway
Couple months back- I kinda had a crush on her, and we seemed to get along well.
She has had a boyfriend so I never did anything/tried to/etc…

About a month ago we started talking a little more. She would randomly text me short messages about nothing. A little before that, she would express her dissatisfaction with her boyfriend here and there. She still does randomly to our mutual friend – the whole “eh, he sucks waiting around like something will change for the better but…” kind of mood.

A few weeks ago she invited me to come hang out. We hung out, watched movies, smoked some green, ate some food, etc…and we seemed to have really good interaction. Later on, she barely talks to me at work – very cold. The next day – she randomly texts me quotes from the show we watched. I told her I enjoyed my time and invited her to do it again sometime and she agreed – I’ve encouraged a few open-ended hanging invitations but she never takes me up (though 2-3 “if you’re not busy” plans isn’t much i guess) she randomly texts me things like food items or blurbs, but the conversations rarely lead anywhere…

Well, we worked together on Friday. Our interactions vary from joking around to not really talking….mostly depending on her….She called me at like 3 am friday night/sat morning, and hung up. She texted me yesterday afternoon saying she has a dream we made out. I replied, telling her I had a similar dream a few days ago, but was a bit more than making out . She said that sounded nice and never replied after that. Later in the night she texted me random tidbits about a newspaper she read. asked her what her plans for the evening were and she said she was doing xyz and i told her my plans fell through and id invite her over or something but go have fun. she never replied.

This hot/cold interaction is really bothering me. Furthermore, I know she has a boyfriend. Why would you tell someone you had a dream that you made out with them if you didn’t want to encourage them to think about that kind of interaction? I’ve been okay with just being friends….because I do enjoy hanging out….but she says these flirtatious things and I enjoy it…but then its just inherently depressing knowing shes going home to someone else.

Is she just using me to fill a gap? How can I encourage exploring something with me and ditching the boyfriend she thinks is an ass and complains about without actually chasing her? I don’t want to ruin another persons relationship, but if it isn’t working out and she likes me, I’d like to portray the “hey, i totally have the hots for you but I’ll let you make your own decisions” kind of thought process.

Furthermore…dunno if she even likes me or just likes attention.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

[quote]Is she just using me to fill a gap?[/quote]

Maybe….. but there’s only one way to find out, and that’s to try dating her. Not hanging out — but really dating her so she knows what your intentions are. [i]You’ve put yourself in any gap that there is[/i] — not her. When the two of you hang out, 😳 it isn’t clear what you want from her. She probably is unsure of what you want. And the cycle of confusion spins. 😳 Instead of asking me about her, start with asking YOURSELF about your own intentions and then act on them. You’ll be a lot less confused. 😉

[quote] How can I encourage exploring something with me and ditching the boyfriend she thinks is an ass and complains about without actually chasing her?[/quote]

[b]Encourage?[/b] 😯 I don’t think you’re there to [i]encourage[/i] her. You’re not her friend and you’re not her family, and if you want to date her, then you should let her know that you’d like to take out. She’s the one who has to make a decision between her boyfriend and you. My advice is to not put yourself into the friend zone, but instead give her a choice and show her how great things could be with you. Dating is competitive and you’ve got to win her over. That means beating him in the contest for her. So give up any idea of “encouragement” and replace it with winning! 😀

I hope that helps. Let me know how things go, and please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[Rg231]

April….
Thanks for the advice. On other forums I have been yelled at and flamed for considering someone with a boyfriend…and my intention is not to be some homewrecker…maybe many of them are single/felt the pangs?

Others have suggested to me that I tell her I’d be interested in dating her if she didn’t have a boyfriend, and to hit me up sometime until then but to stop tesasing me like this.

Thanks for the encouraging words of competition – I guess I’m just a nice guy who doesn’t like forcing people out of their will…but then again….I guess its because of the will.

So how exactly can I bridge this gap and ask her out? Asking a girl out who has a boyfriend (mind you that she knows that I know she has a boyfriend, though she never speaks of him to me)….? I feel like I’ve extended invitations and have been blown off…..but I’m also aware that she has other things to think about…..even she did like it, she has to deal with her boyfriend in one way or another….

I’ll make a commitment to making clear plans with her by the end of the week and see how it goes – I’m just wondering how formally you can ask a girl with a boyfriend out to explore possibilities…

[April Masini, your AskApril]

This isn’t a research paper. It’s a relationship. And you haven’t even stepped up to the plate. 😕 Quit turning this into something it isn’t. This is simple.[i] You’re afraid to ask her out because she might say no, so you’re creating all of these excuses to avoid the moment of truth. [/i]

(She’s a bad girl; You’re a home wrecker; What does this mean; What does that mean? — None of it’s true and you’re just procrastinating.) You’re not a home wrecker if [i]there’s no home to wreck[/i]. She’s not married. She’s not engaged. She’s not living with the guy. And you’re not “wrecking” anything by inviting her to the movies or to a show.

[quote]So how exactly can I bridge this gap and ask her out? [/quote]

😯 😯 😯

[b]There’s no gap.[/b] As I wrote you earlier, YOU are the one who is creating any manufactured gap by pretending to be her friend when, [u]if you were honest[/u], you’d just ask her out. Bottom line: You’re just afraid to say: “Would you like to go on a date with me and have dinner on Saturday night?” And you’re not admitting your fear of rejection, so you’re turning this into something it’s not.

If she says no, you move on. That’s what men do when they want to be in a relationship with someone. They give it their best shot, and if they get shot down, they find someone who’s going to be their Ms. Right.

I’m going to strongly recommend that you buy and read Date Out of Your League, a book I wrote for men who want to win the dating game. It’s going to help you enormously — but only if you read it and take the advice in it, rather than write a term paper with multiple sources. 😆 Here’s the link (it’s only $8.99): [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/date-out-of-your-league.html[/url]. Buy it and read it tonight! 😀

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