[RichardCollier]

Dear April,

I’m 43, and have been married for over 13 years. We have 3 beautiful children together (all girls). My wife and I met in high school, and have only dated a handful of people prior to marriage. As boyfriend and girlfriend, we both got along well. Although there was nothing “earth-shattering” with our relationship, we always assumed marriage would be in our future.

After 10 years being BF/GF (2 years living together), I finally popped the question and we decided to marry. Over the years, things seemed fine on the surface but I felt an emotional void missing in our relationship. Sure, we had sex reasonably frequently (3x-4x a week as BF/GF, 1x-2x a week as hubby & wife). We don’t argue much. Yet there was something invisible and profoundly missing. At first I couldn’t put my finger on it, but have stayed awake many times wondering if this was all there was to a marriage. I could best describe my life as being in what’s called a “semi-happy” marriage… where life is content and peaceful, but nothing extraordinary (with the exception of our beautiful and happy children).

Four years ago (under my radar) I developed an intense friendship with a coworker. I have always prided myself on my integrity and even approached her with some concerns things were getting a bit “close” between us. Although I said this out loud, I still felt a strong attraction for her. I liked her very much as a dear friend and learned she also was developing strong feelings for me. We continued to go out on lunches. The conversations just flowed and flowed. It didn’t take long for us to discover an amazing chemistry we shared. Soon after, we both fell completely head over heels in love with each other.

Before the “judgmental hat” gets put on, let me say (again) that I have always prided myself on integrity. I hate liars and cheaters. My father had an affair that hurt both my mother and myself, and this was something I never completely forgiven (but now have a greater understanding). Yet, here I am today with what seems like me falling right in my father’s footsteps.

I’m *NOT* a naive love-sick teenager. As a 40+ year old adult, I grew to become a rational and critical thinker. I know the difference between right & wrong. But while my actions are controllable, my emotions have a heartbeat to their own. I not only fell in love with this other woman, but [u]very deeply[/u] so. We both knew what we were doing was wrong and unfair to our spouses (she is married too). Yet above all of this, what soon developed was nothing short of extraordinary outside the negative cloud of shame and guilt.

There is such intensity in the love we feel, along with a degree of familiarity and comfort. It feels like we have loved each other our whole lives. My life before often feels like a “blur” compared to the significance I feel now. It’s almost like I have been “lost” my entire life… and finally after 40+ years… have finally found home. I never experienced this level of comfort and warmth just from being in someone’s arms before. It’s the most amazing thing I have ever felt – complete with butterflies in my chest.

I can say this woman (of 4 years) actually knows me a tad better than my wife (of 13/23 years). And vice-versa. We complete each other’s thoughts and sentences. If either of us are having a bad day, our spouses are clueless yet both of us are totally dialed in. She brings out the best in me. I feel inspired, and have never felt so cherished and adored. Simply put, this woman totally “gets me” in every aspect imaginable. We have been deeply in love for over 4 years now, and the butterflies STILL remain. The intensity STILL remains. The love is still just as strong as it was in the beginning. We were the best of lovers, but also the very best of friends. We greatly enjoy just being together. Our conversations flow with witty humor that make us both laugh. The time flies by so quickly.

Here lies some of the problems (which I’m sure are just a handful of many)…

For one, I’m terrified of divorce! I have gone through hell as a child watching my mother cry in nervous breakdowns over what my father did. Most of the things I read support that divorce is very hard on children. My wife and I may have our rare fights and rough patches, but for the most part we get along fairly well. I can’t really say there is anything wrong with my wife. She is a good person. Our relationship might even be considered in the “top 50%” of most marriages (just guessing). In my point of view, our marriage is likely best described as content or peaceful, but never was there a DEEP CONNECTION either.

Secondly, I’m concerned how unfair this cheating has been to our spouses. It doesn’t feel right to trade a relatively decent marriage for better one… as if I’m trading my wife like a used car. At the same time, there is NO DOUBT I have discovered the love of my life! The old saying is so true… when you “know”, you just KNOW. She really is “THE ONE” in a million, and I firmly believe she feels/felt the same way towards me (more on the “felt” part below).

Thirdly, statistics show 2nd marriages have a greater chance at failure (maybe around 80%). I also read less than 5% of relationships born from affairs succeed. Other comments have asked: “How do you know she just won’t cheat on you like she did her husband (or vice-versa)?” Well… not to be redundant but… when you “know” you know. Neither of us are are concerned about these things. We had conversations about the grave importance of not disrupting innocent families… ruining one marriage if that is simply the path that would be repeated again. We both would only go into this with appreciation how difficult the journey would be with a common goal of having long-term success.

We both realize the grass is NOT greener on the other side. We know this relationship would have its share of struggles and problems. We are not falsely disillusioned into sensual bliss. But our connection… absolutely… *is* sensual bliss. So many times we touch our foreheads together and get lost into the gaze of each other’s eyes piercing into our very souls. Several minutes fly by thats seem like seconds. If our relationship wasn’t so secretive, I imagine other people might envy the natural… relaxed… yet how strong & deep our love is for each other. I am still in awe over this woman. She is the love of my life!

More hurdles…

I’m afraid I may not be capable of divorce. I’m terrified of the negative impact it will have on my wife & children, as well as the potential displacement of either my wife or her husband. It is likely that neither side would be able to afford to continue living in their homes. Last year I filed divorce papers but could not follow through. I’m afraid of the hurt this will cause. My wife doesn’t know about this affair. I’m also afraid of the negative emotional impact this would have. Her children are all adults, but one is extremely judgmental and may never forgive the mother for leaving. My children are still relatively young. The oldest is emotionally sensitive, but would hopefully overcome the hurt with time. The negative financial toll would likely result in less opportunity for my children to go through college (her kids have already finished).

This woman was under the impression I was prepared to leave my wife… yet I go through the motions and hit a “wall” and start to panic and crumble. I’ve gone through these motions not only once, but TWICE with no success. So in essence I feel trapped in a semi-happy marriage due to today’s troubling financial times and the fact children are involved. My heart and mind both tell me that if children were not involved this woman and I would have been together 4 years ago. As unfair it is to disrupt innocent people’s lives, it’s equally unfair to hurt the feelings of the person you care and love the most. At the same time, I don’t hate or dislike my wife. I do love her and care about her. She tries hard. She’s faithful. She’s a good mother. She’s loyal and a dear friend. We just never had the “it” factor, and I realized several years too late that I probably have married the wrong person.

Thanks in advance,
“Richard Collier”

[April Masini, your AskApril]

What’s your question?

[RichardCollier]

I was curious to those who can understand or relate to my position…

Should I leave my marriage and pursue a new life with this other person? Or should I stay where I am and prevent divorce / destruction of others?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re not in a pickle. You’re having a mid-life crisis. You’re at a mid-way point in life and you’re re-assessing things. You’re disappointed with some things; you’re pleased with others, but mostly you’re wanting to make your life more meaningful as you approach the second half of the book, so to speak. And you’re not alone in this position, so hopefully others here who can relate will speak up and share with you.

Because you and your wife and family have so much good between you all, my advice is to turn back to the woman you fell in love with and rekindle what’s there, and explore what you haven’t yet learned about her. Your situation is very understandable and common — when people live together day in and day out for months, years and decades, the sexy can disappear and become replaced with familiarity. And like health, sometimes you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone (Thank you, Joni Mitchell! 😆 ).

But what I’m suggesting is a LOT harder to do than what you think you’re proposing by leaving your wife for this other woman. An affair or even a new relationship, in a bubble, is easy and mysterious and alluring and romantic. But the reality will set in and the divorce will be difficult at best and horrific at worst (custody battles are tragic). You’ll possibly see your wife becoming the woman you fell in love with (divorcees have a habit of starting to look great once they consider dating again) and dating other men. You may see another man become a step-father to your children and you may see your three girls falling in love with their new step-dad. Your kids may hate your girlfriend and hold the divorce against you. They may refuse to see you and they may become pawns in a divorce situation.

Your girlfriend may become the same woman you’re considering leaving now. Because familiarity can breed a void for the spark. Making relationships work is, well, it’s work!! Getting your sexy back (Thanks, Justin Timberlake! 😆 ) is not easy. That takes work, too — but that goes with any relationship you’re in.

I’m not meaning to scare you away from something you want — I just think you really need to consider the cold possibilities of divorce when you have children. And since you really do have a lot of good things to say about your wife and your relationship with her, my advice is to give your marriage a try if it’s not too late for your heart.

I hope this helps. Let me know how things go, and please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[RichardCollier]

Hello April,

Thank you for the thoughtful response! As you can tell I’ve been hurting over this for quite some time. I agree there is a higher level of mystery and “alluring excitement” with romantic feelings given this relationship is relatively new (and hasn’t succumbed to the pitfalls from decades of cohabiting). I also admit I have been reassessing many things about my life, which is probably normal given my current age. However, I don’t think this is the stereotypical “mid-life crisis”. While it’s true this new relationship started when I was in my late 30’s, there are some differences I wish to point out:

For one, I completely remember the feelings I had when falling in love with both women. The love I felt for my wife may have been slightly “juvenile” at the time. Maybe best described as a very strong version of “puppy love”. We were that cute High School couple that experienced many fun things while growing up. We got along well and have great compatibility with the stuff we enjoy – whether it be places to visit, music, movies, etc. We enjoyed having sex – but had a lot more of it in our early 20’s compared to now.

Even with these positives, I still felt this “nagging” feeling things weren’t quite right. I know it seems silly considering how compatible we appeared to be, but that nagging feeling was the main reason I waited so long to propose. I guess I fell into the trap of “settling” as it was more comfortable and familiar; beside the fact that I not only loved my wife but also [i]liked [/i]her too! Marriage made the most sense at the time, and was a better choice over spending another 5-10 years being single in limbo.

As for my new relationship, I can honestly say the “in-love” feelings here are quite different. The love I feel with this woman is more mature. It is very sincere with a degree of hunger and passion at [u]much higher levels[/u] than I felt before. Typically the honeymoon stage of a relationship lasts about 6 months to 1 year. Yet, my GF and I have been in this “crazy in love state” for over 4 years… and the intensity STILL remains. We both hate how it feels to leave the other person, but has become our routine given the circumstance we’re in.

There’s an indescribable “vibe” that we both share. The “it” factor. A feeling that can only be found from mutually experiencing the most vulnerable sides of each other. Along with this deeper knowledge is a high amount of longing, respect, adoration, and attraction. This woman and I seem to just totally GET each other, and we do “get” each other on every single aspect I can think of. There is so much comfort and the feeling we have been in love with each other our whole lives!

Yes, there’s a “spark” from new romance. But when you fall in love with someone… coupled with a special [b]deep connection[/b], these feelings aren’t just “sparks”, they feel like earth-shattering FIREWORKS! This feeling of DEEP CLOSENESS was something I have never felt until now. This was the point I was trying to make when describing the life inside a “semi-happy” marriage… which is now a recent term used by marriage counselors from my understanding.

You make some excellent points I haven’t thought of. I hate to imagine the love of my life ultimately becoming the same woman I’m contemplating leaving now. I believe what you say how divorce can be difficult (at best) to downright horrific! The thought of custody battles and the ugliness that can come out during such a process makes me sick to my stomach. I would hate for our kids to dislike my girlfriend, nor would I want our kids to hold the divorce against either of us. I also haven’t thought of the possibility of the kids loving their new step-dad (possibly more than me) because I was the “bastard” who ruined our family. That’s a very good point you raised, but at least it’s only a possibility and not a definite.

But what if you are totally convinced this other woman really is “THE ONE”? And by this definition I literally mean “the love of a lifetime?” Am I completely insane for thinking this way? Because let me tell you this is exactly how I feel about her. For the record, she is not “younger & hotter” than my wife. She’s actually much older than I am. Yet, every day I find myself irresistibly attracted to her. I can also say I have never been this attached to any another person before. Again, I go back to that catch-phrase… “When you know, you [i][u]know[/u][/i]!”

If I was just “in love” with this person, or if this felt like the typical “mid-life crisis”, it would be an easy decision to let this other woman go to preserve the family and rekindle the relationship I have with my wife. But I find it extremely difficult to let go considering how deep my feelings are for her. Yet, your advice may still be my best option due to the fact this other woman has already begun the stages of moving on. God – I love her so much, but fear neither of us have the strength or the will to damage those around us in order to choose each other. This really hurts because I know she loves me just as much as I love her.

Sincerely,
“Richard”

[April Masini, your AskApril]

There are feelings and there is behavior and sometimes they sync up, but many times they don’t. Just because you have a feeling doesn’t mean you should act on it. Life is a culmination of our choices. You’re very passionate about your feelings and I think it would be easy if I gave you a free pass to act on them. But I can’t. When you have children, your feelings take a back seat to what is right for the family. Sacrifice is part of life and when there are kids involved, sacrifice is lifelong.

If your wife had done something that was really going to hurt you and as a result hurt the kids, I’d say go for it. If your relationship with your wife was deeply flawed so that the family was going to be hurt by your relationship with her, I’d say go for it. But this is really just about you — and when you make a family, it can’t be just about you any more.

I’m sorry — because I understand how wonderful you feel with this other woman — but it’s really not right to pursue that relationship and subject your wife and kids (and then you and your girlfriend, too) to the aftermath. 😳

I hope that helps — and if you have other questions, I’m here for the asking.

Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[RichardCollier]

Hi again April,

I know all to well the self-sacrifice of doing what’s right for others. That was a key reason I backed away from leaving. What really bothers me is that I see situations all the time where people end up perfectly fine after divorce (including the children). My parents divorced, but we all ended up okay in the end. I have relatives who divorced for another person (both had kids), and it was evident they were not only happier but seemed meant for each other. But I was also informed their prior marriages were seriously flawed or disfunctional. Or maybe that was just the excuse they told family members to justify leaving, who knows?

I can’t say that my marriage is seriously flawed, and neither is my GF’s marriage. Both of our spouses are good people. It’s possible she may also be living in a “semi-happy” marriage (which ultimately is a pretty serious flaw). I read reports saying this type of relationship covers the majority of divorce cases (over 60%), and is more common than other reasons like spousal abuse or infidelity. We often feel a great level of momentum towards divorce considering how long-term our relationship has been. We also have doubts we can be truly happy at home when we are so deeply in love (and convinced we are the love of each other’s lives). Yet, realistically we know “love blinders” make it seem we can do no wrong for each other, yet our spouses can do no right. The reality is likely somewhere in between.

Thank you for you being bluntfully honest. This was the answer I was expecting. Things do change once kids are involved (especially young children), and how that impacts a family. But at the same time we only have one life to live and [u]if everyone still ends up fine in the end[/u]… fighting for a love such as this can also feel like the right choice! Most relationships fall into stereotypical categories with “phases” in a relationship. Normalcy kicks in, and the passion & excitement loses its luster over time. It’s a serious risk to give up everything losing all that was built if the new relationship goes down the same road. But what if this relationship was that “1 in a million”? What if that spark remained 10, 20, and even 30+ years? What if keeping that spark NEVER felt like “work” (as it does for most couples), but something that just naturally existed because of a very special connection?

I know in your eyes you see there is only one “clear” choice, but from my side it’s not so black & white. It has been an extremely painful tug-of-war, but a battle I feel I’m losing. I also thank you for not looking down on me as one of those “typical” cheating husbands. I never wanted to be come a cheater. I only asked & prayed to have a deep connection with someone special. I guess I got what I asked for.

“Richard” 😕

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Your girlfriend is married, also? 😯

I’m sure you know what I’m going to say. 🙄

While children of divorce often do fine — it’s usually because there is a relief in the divorce for them. In other words, if the parents are abusive, fighting, and basically creating a stressful home for the kids, the divorce, while traumatic for the children, offers some relief for them — [i]sometimes. [/i] You don’t have that situation, so what you want to do is a losing proposition for the kids. Of course, kids can overcome trauma, but why subject them to two houses, two sets of text books, possible step-parents and step-siblings, etc.? In other words, why would you risk your childrens’ well being on the chance that they’ll be okay? 😳 I know — because you want a relationship with your married girlfriend who may even have children of her own who will also become subject to this upset.

I’m just here to offer advice, and frankly, you seem pretty committed to your own path. That said, I’m here if you need me.

Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[RichardCollier]

Hi April,

No… I’m not set in stone on any path. If this woman I’m in love with wasn’t “THE ONE” for me, I believe I could have gotten over this by now. I’m so confused how this all happened. I generally stay out of trouble and make good decisions. While living in a “semi-happy” marriage could have made me ripe for an affair, it surely didn’t cause the huge significance I feel with this person. This isn’t a case where just anybody could have come along and swept me off my feet. There is a *sincere* and very special chemistry we share that is so amazing and exclusive. If you have ever experienced a bond this close (and to this degree) with someone you must know how I’m feeling!

There’s an inner sense of warmth and relaxation when I’m close to her. I’m 100% certain that nobody else has ever loved me to the level this person has… which is why my heart is so broken over this. But like you said, once children are in the mix it changes the rules so to speak. I tried not just once, but twice to leave my current relationship but something kept holding me back. I don’t know if it was my inner conscience poking at me. Both times I tried to follow through with leaving, there were situations that didn’t feel right. The first time it was from panic and fear over the destruction and unfairness toward our children. The second time it was more because of environmental / situational circumstances.

Yet, it feels so wrong (and TERRIBLE) to be apart from the woman I love. At the same time, it feels awful to cause unfair destruction to the injured parties. It also feels unfair to deny a love this sincere and real – as long as our children and heartbroken spouses end up okay in the end. This was why I was so conflicted over things, but it doesn’t appear getting together with this woman is in the cards for me and I will just have to deal with the mistakes I made. Only time will tell if my mistake was falling for this woman, or if it was not following through the first time I made plans to separate & divorce.

“Richard”

[April Masini, your AskApril]

If you’re going to stay in your marriage, try playing [i]all in. [/i] 😉 It’s really hard to have one foot in and one foot out and expect things to work out well. 🙂

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