[Anonymous]

i am 27 years old and my boyfriend and i have been together for 8 years and we have 2 wonderful kids who are 5 and 2. its definately been a dysfunctional realationship the whole way through with jealousy and controlling issues on his part. there was a time when he would come home and he would leave to the bar and would refuse to let me go with him if i ever asked (i wasnt even allowed to drink, not to mention that was ‘his place with his friends’), he beat me a few times in the begining when he was drinking, just all in all treated me like crap… that all ended about 4 years ago when he cheated on me and i found out. we were having a really rough time, he had lost his job and went out of state to visit his brother, i kind of had a feeling when he left that he wasnt coming back (our son was about 2 at this time). anyhow, i was on the internet and his yahoo id automatically logged in and the girl sent an im (he had met her while online at a friends house in a different state just the night before). at first i acted like i was him, then told her who i was and she told me the whole brutal story (she had no clue about me). when i called and accused him he denied, denied, denied that he did it, until i called him on the phone with the girl… we broke up for about a week, we decided to get back together under the unlikely condition that he would change, but i had a son to think of and i (who was a stay at home mom) didn’t know how i could do it alone. when he came home it was really like a new begining, everything changed. thankfully i was able to get over the fact that he cheated on me, i think because i heard it from her so i know EXACTLY what happened, not his version. he started treating me with respect, never left the house and when he did he was sure to make asolutely sure i knew where he was and who he was with, started paying attention to our son which he neglected to do in the past. he honestly became what i hoped and prayed he would always be. things went along like that up until the last year when things started to go downhill when he started to pick up a liking to painkillers. at first it wasnt a problem, i actually liked it when he took them, and at that point he only took 1 or 2. it slowly progressed, and i thought well, if he’s wasting all our money on these i should be able to have some too, so i started taking them. after a few months it was so bad that we were spending 80 dollars a day just to not feel like crap and we said enough is enough… he had lost his job about a month or so prior to this and we had just gotten our income tax and it was gone. we quit. after that there was still no work for him and we lost the house we rented and we had to move in with my mother. this brings us up to may of this year. he worked for awhile this summer but there has been no work at all since the end of august and we have been having to borrow money from everyone we know just to survive. he got really depressed with the situation we were in and finally a month ago decided to go out of state to his brothers house thinking to work at the labor-ready there and get away for awhile to clear his head. well, a week passed and he didnt work and all he was doing was sleeping all day and drinking in the nights. the second week i was relieved to hear that he had went to work that day and was offered a position there any time he wanted to go in. however, he hasn’t been back since. we still have bills to pay and he’s called me begging me to help him, saying that i havent done anything for years to help, so i sold some of my things and sent him the money to pay one of his bills. well, he didnt pay his bill with that money, instead he’s bought cigarettes, bought beer and still has not gone to work. every time we talk to each other on the phone its either me bitching at him, me listening to what he has to say with pure resentment, or him bitching about me bitching. he was only supposed to be gone for a week too! and somehow, that week has turned into a month. we have some very important school functions and conferences to go to this week as well that he has to be there for and not to mention he missed halloween with his kids because it was his birthday and he would rather go out with his buddys and drink! i understand that he is displeased with his life the way that it is going but he needs to grow up and take some responsibility instead of blaming this on me being a stay at home mom. i have tried getting jobs in the past but it always turns into him begging me to quit. i dont understand what is going on with him and i am considering leaving him but i love him and i am hoping this is just some kind of “midlife” crisis. he’s just been so selfish and negative. i don’t know what to do or why he is doing this. can anyone give me some advice or tell me what is happening to him? what should i do?

[AskApril Masini]

This is not a midlife crisis. You are in serious trouble.

Your boyfriend and father of your children will never change. You are both addicts and until you break what is clearly a pattern, you will continue to spiral down until one or both of you is dead. Your kids will be raised by other people, and possibly institutions.

If that’s not enough reason for you to make a change in YOUR life, then I can’t help you.

So, here’s my advice: You need to break up with the boyfriend. He’s beaten you, he’s cheated on you, he’s addicted to substances, he’s used money that should be going to put food in your kids’ mouths, for pills and alcohol, and he’s a bum who won’t get a job. Your [i]feelings[/i] for him are selfish. You should be putting your feelings as a responsible mother to your two children WAY ahead of your feelings of “love” 🙄 for your man. He has choices. Your children don’t.

File an order for custody and child support in court. You may not get support right away because he’s not working and the court system is slow, but your children are young, and you WILL start getting support for them from your boyfriend, within the next couple of years at the latest. The children deserve this support. Next, get some family members to take care of your kids while you go to rehab and seek treatment for your own pill (and whatever other substances you are abusing) problem. Then get a simple job, and live within your means, even if it’s living with your mother, while you work selling coffee at Starbucks.

It’s not your boyfriend who’s selfish. It’s you. Be a mother to your kids, and get healthy.

Good luck.

[Member]

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