[omelas]

Hello April,

I am a 36 year old man married to an amazing 32 year old woman. We have been married since Spring 2007, but have been together since late 2004. We don’t plan to have children (so no kiddie stress). When we began dating, we didn’t have sex often (we were long distance, and I wanted to wait for marriage, although she didn’t). When we first got married, we had sex about once a week to once every 10 days (she suggests it was because of my lack of affection). Over the past three years, we have sex on average once every four to seven days (excluding week-long stretches away from each other or during one high stress year while she finished her dissertation).

I would like sexual intercourse about three times a week, but I always let her take the lead because I would feel guilty exerting any type of pressure (even just suggesting sex). Also, I don’t ask for sex because hearing “no” from her feels really hurtful. I use to ask for sex during our first couple of years of marriage, but after being disappointed or hurt when she said she was tired (even though she was always sweet about it), I pretty much just gave up. She is often satisfied with just kissing or making out, which usually leaves me wanting more. I don’t particularly care for masturbation, unless it’s mutual.

During our first year, when we were going through normal growing pains, she suggested that the lack of sexual intercourse might be related to me not showing much affection (I’m not a fan of PDA). I am a private and temperate person and feel awkward showing affection, especially in public. Also, we are in an interracial relationship, so I always feel like people are staring at us. However, I’ve gotten a lot better over the past three years showing affection outside of sexual intercourse. I will definitely tell her I love her, hold her hand, and touch her throughout the day. She seems so much more happy, just in general, since the increase of affection.

More related to our sex life/health, we are both healthy adults with a strong physical and emotional attraction toward each other (we both think the other is the most attractive person on the planet). When we do have intercourse, it usually lasts between five to twenty minutes and there is rarely foreplay (she goes from 0-60 really quickly, even though I suggest more foreplay). She almost always seems to have an orgasm (unless she’s been drinking heavily) and I usually try to wait for her to have an orgasm before I do. She seems super susceptible to bladder infections and has mild soreness for about a day after intercourse (we always use lubrication and always go the speed with which she’s most comfortable). She also masturbates with her fingers during intercourse, which increases the level of tenderness and soreness afterwards. My penis is about average size (don’t know if that is useful information or not). Having sex with my wife is the single greatest natural experience of my life (seriously, it’s insane) and she says the same thing about me; although I’m sure that every in-love wife says that about her husband. We have an amazing relationship outside of sex as well.

This is probably way too much information. Sorry. So what I really want to know is whether our experience is “normal”? How often do couples in our situation have sexual intercourse and should I be fine with the frequency with which we have intercourse (the quality is not an issue). I feel a little guilty posting a question like this, because I feel that things are probably pretty normal and I’m just being a little too sensitive/sex-focused. I don’t ask my friends for advice because we have several mutual friends, and I don’t want to lead friends to believe she is not an adequate sexual partner. Any advice you can lend would be so super helpful, and if you need additional information, I’m open.

Sincerely,
omelas

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like you want to have more sex in your marriage. What’s normal is less important than where your sexual compatibility with your wife lies, and it seems like the two of you are pretty compatible. But what’s most glaring is that your sexual frequency hasn’t really changed for the worse since you’ve known your wife. You didn’t have much sex during the four years you dated. Then you had sex every four to seven days. Now, four years later, you’re having sex every ten days. This isn’t a big change.

Basically, you need to seduce her and make things more interesting for her. You can start outside of the bedroom. Little things throughout the day and week — affection, flirtation, date nights, little gifts — all add up. You can also make sure she knows how she sexy you find her, and figure out what turns her on. Getting away from your routine is also a good idea — going away for the weekend, vacations when you can — these are all great ways to shake things up.

I’ve also written a book for couples who want to put the X back in their sex lives and this might really help you. It’s called Romantic Date Ideas, and you can buy it here: [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/romantic-date-ideas.html[/url].

I hope that helps. Let me know how things go, and please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link:[url][/url].

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