[moba18]

Dear April, I asked you for help about 9 months ago regarding a girl I was interested in and your advice helped, now we have been going out for slightly over 8 months and it’s going great.

My main concern is about sex. While it’s not a terrible dilemma, I am 20, she is 21, and neither of us has had sex. However, since going to college, many of my new close friends have had sex, most of them with multiple girls in the past. I feel somewhat out of place as it’s not really cool to be a virgin with a girlfriend of 8 months since it would imply that we haven’t had sex, so I just don’t answer flatly if my friends jokingly ask whether I’ve had sex or not. It’s not just the pressure, but I am a guy and I want to have sex and I shouldn’t have to look elsewhere for sex when I have a serious girlfriend.

At first the main reason she didn’t want to have sex was because she didn’t want to get pregnant. Now she will normally point at her ring finger and say she wants to be married before having sex. I don’t really get it because all of her best friends have had sex, have told her they enjoy it, and it’s annoying to see friends of mine having sex with girls either outside of a relationship or in a relationship that’s not as serious as ours and that I doubt will last. It’s disheartening to see others have sex frequently after dating for less than a month since I know our relationship is more meaningful.

It’s hard for me to get the abstinence idea since I was raised Christian but don’t really believe it anymore, and condoms and birth control are very effective that pregnancy seems like a stretch for an excuse.

I don’t want to break up with her over it. I realize I am very lucky to have an amazing girlfriend as her, but even if I were to marry her it’s tough to think that I’d have to wait at least 2 years to have sex, assuming we married right when I graduated. Most if not all of my friends have had sex, and I know having sex with your significant other before marriage is common, and she has even talked about moving a few hours away to her family for a year if she graduates a year before me and gets a job there. She also knows that her parents had sex with each other before they got married but entertains the notion of her white wedding dress standing for purity.

Is there anything I can do that you think would help me out? It seems like she is afraid if she starts having sex with me I will feel less inclined to want to marry her, since one of her friends was cheated on after dating a guy for a year and having sex daily with him. It seems nothing short of proposing would get her to have sex, but I don’t want to get married and have kids while I’m still in college. It is just frustrating since I feel like being a good guy and doing nice things for her don’t go anywhere. I do nice things for her and take her on dates to show her I love her, and in return I get thanks and affection but occasional oral sex doesn’t seem like much appreciation. It’s not like I give in order to receive, but it’s tough to keep up a positive attitude when it seems like I am the main giver in the relationship.

I feel it would be shallow to break up with someone I love for not having sex with me, so should I just keep trying and stay in the relationship whether or not she changes her mind? To me her reasoning is outdated and against the regular nature of people to have sex, but I know I won’t easily change her mind.

[Ask April Masini]

Losing one’s virginity is a very sensitive topic and you and your girlfriend disagree on when to have sex. There isn’t a right or wrong answer on this one. Her wanting to be engaged or married before she has sex is not uncommon, but your wanting to experiment with sex before marriage is more the norm. Again — neither one of you is right or wrong. However, there is an incompatibility here — one that could be a deal breaker.

I was a little surprised that at the bottom of your post you mentioned that she performs oral sex on you every now and then. I figured she was all about no sex of any kind based on her ultimatum: no ring, no sex. Since oral sex works for her, decide if more of it would make you feel better about things.

The other possible problem is that this isn’t really a problem about sex at all — it’s about generosity and selfishness. Is she selfish outside of sex? Because if so, then you could be discovering a flashing yellow light that may create problems that are not just in the bedroom.

If, however, this truly is about when to have intercourse, you have to understand you can’t have everything you want: You can’t keep your girlfriend and have sexual intercourse because she’s not okay with that and if you do get engaged in order to have sex, you don’t want to get married for two years, and she won’t have sex until then.

It’s just not all going to work out [i]with this one woman[/i] as long as you both keep your standards in place — she to not have sex until marriage and you to not get married until graduation. You have a tough decision to make, and you should try not to let peer pressure or what seems shallow or doesn’t seem shallow influence what is right for you.

I hope that helps — let me know how things work out. And join me on Facebook! Here’s the link: [url][/url].

[Author]

Posts