[Lisa]

Im married for 30 years, my husband drink and smoke alot and i hate it. Before our marriage he promise me he stopped smokeing, which he never did. 20 years ago i said to him if he does not stop smokeing im going to stop kissing him. We stopped kissing intamitly ever since. I had my first affiar then because i just love sex, touch and kissing. I lost all sexual intrest in my husband. i devorced him 16 years ago but when pregnant with another guy he asked me to marry him again. I went back as we had 2 of our own kids. That was my biggest mistake going back. Sex between us was a nightmare to me and i just did it because i had to. I had 4 lovers in the past 20 years which kept me with him. Our relationship was not to bad, and i stayed for the kids, family and friends. He is a very good husband and father its just that because of the drinking and smokeing i lost all intrest in him as a lover. We went for marriage councelling 2 x but after one session he refuses to go cause he said there is nothing wrong with us and he loves me. I do love him aswell but as a friend or brother. I do not have enough courage to walk away because he will hate me foreever. My lover just broke up with me because his girlfriend is pregnant and he wants to do the right thing for her and the baby. i know we never had a future together because im 20 years older than him but im still heart broken and suffer from major depression is suspect because im sad and crying alot and battle with work. I choose to rather had affairs for sex and stayed in marriage, that way i did not hurt my kids or family or him but im tired of getting hurt all the time. I long for a normal relationship where i dont have to hide my feelings and sneak around to see my lovers. I try to talk to him about our relationship but he refuses to talk about it and just say we fine. My son is 16 and only leaing finsish school next year. i was thinking of maybe leave him then but i dont know if i ever will have enough courage to walk away. Please advise

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like you and your husband keep getting into power plays where no one wins. You chose to marry a man who smokes and drinks, then you decided that if he didn’t stop smoking you’d stop kissing him. It wasn’t a good move on your part. 😳 He couldn’t or wouldn’t stop smoking and you were the one who stopped having sex with him. After that it sounds like a series of bad choices, but my advice is to go back to the original problem — you don’t like his smoking.

Instead of making a negative deal — make a positive one. Tell him you want to help him quit smoking and you want him to help you have more sex in your marriage. Make an appointment with a physician who can help him get professional help to quit smoking. And you need to start making yourself available and seductive in the bedroom.

A thirty year marriage is going to normally have losses of sexual interest — but that doesn’t mean you should give up trying to make your sex life a good one! Giving up shouldn’t be an option here — you seem to have a good man who wanted to re-marry you even when you got pregnant with someone else’s baby. You owe it to him and to yourself to try and rev up your personal and sex life at home. I think you’re using the affairs to avoid doing the work in your relationship that is required. I know it’s hard, but so is what you’re going through. My advice is to really focus on yourself and your relationship and make dates to have sex, spend time with just the two of you, etc. Read this book, Romantic Dates Ideas, that I wrote for couples who want to put the X back in their sex lives. I think it will help. You can buy it here: [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/romantic-date-ideas.html[/url].

Let me know how things go, and please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/romantic-date-ideas.html[/url].

I hope that helps.

[Member]

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