[novalight]

Hi April, I kind of have a moral dilemma going on here. I found out a few weeks ago that my fiancé created an account on a porn site and is pretending to be a girl on there. He’s sexting with multiple guys talking very dirty. I found out about it by accident and when I did I confronted him about it. He was defensive at first and after a few flare-ups he explained why he’s doing it: it’s just a masturbatory thing, he isn’t cheating because he’s never going to meet with these guys, and it’s a stress reliever from the stress of job searching. He’s still doing it, almost every day, for a few hours, whether I’m at home or at work. He also sexts using texting apps on the web. We have sex regularly and he says he’s super happy with me. I believe him. We’ve been together for 4 years and he’s made me very happy in multiple ways. I don’t know exactly why but this sexting thing is still bugging me even though we’ve talked about it… Any ideas? Should I be right in being concerned? Is this something normal some guys do?
I know that he’s pansexual he’s made that very clear in the past, that doesn’t bug me.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

There are a few red flags here — first of all, guys masturbate. That’s not news, but they usually use porn that’s in a magazine, internet images, videos, and memories, etc. But your fiancee is using interactive relationships and that’s different. He’s creating relationships with these people he’s meeting through his porn website, and he’s gone to significant lengths to do this. Simply setting up his own porn site is a lot of energy! This isn’t just him masturbating. This is him taking these relationships beyond the page, the screen or the computer — and into real life. Next, he’s pretending to be a girl. Not a woman — a girl. My questions is, is this part of his personality that he’s trying to elicit and explore, and if so, at what point will he want to have real life relationships with men, if he hasn’t already? Because if he does, there’s going to be some changes in his primary relationship with you. You’ll have competition, at the very least. The third flag is your age difference — and I don’t usually care about age differences — but since you’re 23 and he’s 47 and you’ve been together for four years, you don’t have a lot of dating experience, and my concern is that you’re in a relationship with an April 2018 wedding date, where your fiancee is experimenting with his sexuality and his sex life. If you are okay with this, that’s fine, but if you’re expecting stability in marriage, I don’t think you’ll get it with him.

Clearly, you need to talk to him about this, and search your own soul about what you want for yourself. This isn’t really a moral question — it’s a practical one. The only thing he’s done wrong is to hide things from you. And that’s kind of a big deal. But now that this secret is out, you have to ask, Do you want to marry someone in April who is so invested in exploring his sexuality without you? My advice is that you should probably have deep talks with him to try and understand and support his journey, but that you should move on because I’m gathering that you want something that is more traditional, and he’s not a partner who’s up for tradition. I hope that helps. Let me know if you have any other questions.

[novalight]

Hi April,

Thank you for the response. You bring up good points. I’m bringing more context to the table: he is a pansexual man, and he’s had sex with lots of people in the past. He was honest about that, and I accept it. He is very libidinous in nature and can get quite dirty which I know.
The sexting thing is not new though: he used to do it when he was single too, posing as a girl and hitting up multiple guys. I thought this was a thing of the past though so when I found out about his new account a few weeks ago I was unhappy. After I talked to him he said it isn’t cheating because he’s not sexting as himself; he will never meet those guys because his secret will be out otherwise; porn doesn’t quite do it for him because of the fantasies in his head; and it’s just a quick masturbatory scenario. However, I think it’s deceitful to the guys he’s chatting up especially because he sometimes pretends he’s 15!! That’s icky even if it’s just a sex chat. And he does it sometimes while I’m in the room chilling or working. I don’t find that super respectful. Also he’s been job hunting for months and sent out applications (more like years but he’s started again a few months ago. I work and my income is barely keeping us afloat) but with no success. I think to myself “Maybe if you spent less time on your account sexting and a little more time submitting apps, it would help.” Because he does spend more time on that damn porn account than I would like.
So there it is. I love him with all my heart and I accept he is not your average Joe. He is amazingly intelligent, kind, funny, and we share a lot of interests. He helped me heal from an abusive household (my mom had narcissistic paranoia and my father was an enabler). I really don’t want to have to break up with him because in essence he makes me happy. But if what he’s doing is truly reprehensible and speaks of much deeper issues, I don’t want to enable his behavior

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Your instincts are good ones. He[i] is[/i] being dishonest by saying he’s a girl when he’s not a girl, and engaging with other people who think he’s girl because he said he was. And his excuse that he’s not cheating on you because he’s pretending to be someone else is laughable. That’s one for the books. 🙄 If he actually slept with one of these people, but pretended to be someone else, would that be okay because he used a fake name and identity? Clearly, not. 😕

That you’re a 23 year old woman supporting a 47 year old man who’s got time to build a porn site, is a bigger problem. I know you want to stay with him, so my advice is to practice boundaries, as long as you are with him. This will prevent you from enabling him and it will preserve your self esteem and give him the opportunity to enrich his. It’s tough, but it’s healthy. For instance, you should stop paying his bills. I don’t know if you live together or not, and if you do, who’s name is on the lease or mortgage, but you need calmly, without anger, explain that you’d like him to pay the rent. You’ll pay for groceries, or the other way around — whatever financial situation works for you — have a talk about it now. Way…. before you marry! And while I don’t know a lot about his work situation or his unemployment situation, I’m sure his self esteem is tied up in his work and unemployment. He may be using his sexting relationships with other people to boost his self esteem and distract him from very unsexy real life problems. Men who take care of their partners feel good about themselves. They’re proud. Give him that opportunity by using boundaries.

I think that as you get to know him — because he’s not honest, that’s going to be a challenge that takes time — you’ll be less happy, and you’ll question who it is you’re living with and have chosen to marry. I believe you that you think he makes you happy, but I would ask you to focus on character and respect because those are the qualities that get you through a long-term relationship. Happiness comes and goes. Life can be tough. And when it is, you want someone with character and grit to be your life partner. 😉

[PassionSeeker]

Oh, my heart goes out to you. This isn’t something small — it’s a deep emotional betrayal, especially since it involves secrecy, deception, and behavior that makes you uncomfortable. You clearly love him and have compassion for his struggles, but love doesn’t mean ignoring pain or disrespect.
You’re not crazy for feeling hurt, even if he insists it’s “not cheating.” Emotional intimacy with others, hidden from you, is a breach of trust.
You deserve a relationship where you feel emotionally safe and respected not one where you’re second-guessing his “stress relief.” Take your time, but please don’t minimize your discomfort just to keep the peace. Your feelings matter, too.

[Val Unfiltered💋]

babe… i’d be bugged too 😩 like, he can call it “stress relief” all he wants, but spending hours pretending to be someone else and sexting strangers? that’s not just a coping mechanism, that’s a double life. you’re not crazy for feeling weird about it, your gut’s just louder than his excuses. being pan doesn’t mean he gets a free pass to cross emotional boundaries. you can love him and still say this isn’t working for me. it’s not even about porn anymore, it’s about trust. and right now, he’s breaking it one “hey handsome” at a time. 💔

[Ethan Morales]

This isn’t about porn. If your fiancé were simply watching adult content, that would be a private sexual habit common and usually harmless. But what he’s doing goes way beyond that: Creating a fake persona. Engaging with real people in sexual exchanges. Doing it for hours daily. And continuing after being confronted. That’s not porn. That’s an alternate sexual life he’s cultivating. And that means emotional deception whether he’s meeting people physically or not.

The Red Flags April Points Out Are Serious He’s not just consuming he’s performing. That’s a key distinction. Pretending to be a woman and maintaining active sexting relationships suggests an identity exploration or even a hidden need for validation and control that he hasn’t been honest about. He’s investing serious time and energy.
Hours every day. That’s not a stress reliever; that’s an obsession or emotional coping mechanism.

He’s hiding it and defending it. You didn’t discover this through open communication you stumbled upon it. The secrecy itself is a breach of trust. When you confronted him, instead of showing remorse, he rationalized. That’s deflection, not accountability. As April noted, this isn’t about age itself, but about power and experience imbalance.
You’re still learning what you want in long-term partnership; he’s already well into adulthood and should be past secretive, experimental behaviors that damage trust.

Ask yourself honestly: Are you comfortable marrying someone who keeps a secret sexual identity? Can you ever fully relax knowing he may be maintaining these online personas behind your back? Are your values on fidelity, honesty, and emotional intimacy compatible with his? You deserve a partner whose sexual exploration doesn’t come at the cost of your emotional safety. This isn’t just about “being pansexual” it’s about being honest with the person you’re committing your life to.

You’re not wrong for feeling disturbed. You’re right to feel uneasy this situation crosses emotional and ethical boundaries in a committed relationship. If I were in your shoes, I’d pause the wedding plans completely.
Tell him: “If you’re still figuring yourself out, I support your right to explore that but not while I’m being misled. I can’t build a marriage on confusion and secrecy.” Give yourself time to step back and breathe. You need space to see things clearly without pressure or guilt.

[Tara]

He’s running a secret sexual side-life and feeding you excuses so he doesn’t have to stop. He’s not just watching porn. He’s creating fake identities, sexting strangers for hours, lying about it, and then acting like you’re overreacting. That’s not normal. That’s not harmless. That’s not something healthy men in committed relationships do. It’s compulsive, deceptive, and selfish, and the fact that he kept doing it after you confronted him tells you everything about how little your feelings matter to him. His orientation is irrelevant. His dishonesty is the problem. You’re about to marry a man whose default coping mechanism is sexual role-playing with random men while hiding it from you. If that doesn’t set off every alarm in your body, you’re not paying attention. Stop wondering if this is okay. It’s not. Either you draw a hard line now or you spend your future competing with the online fantasy world he clearly prioritizes over you.

[Sally]

It’s not just the sexting it’s the secret world he built without you. When you’re planning a life with someone, that kind of thing hits different. It makes you wonder what else you don’t know.
And sure, he says it’s just a stress thing, but a few hours a day is a lot. That’s not nothing. You’re not wrong for feeling weird about it. Anyone would.

I don’t think this is about pansexuality or porn. It’s about honesty. It’s about you wanting to feel like you’re actually in the same relationship he is.

If it were me, I’d sit him down again, calmer this time, and tell him the truth not that you’re angry, but that you feel pushed out of a part of his life. How he responds to that will tell you everything.

[Natalie Noah]

You’re caught between love, loyalty, and very valid concerns about respect and honesty. What he’s doing goes beyond simple masturbation it’s an ongoing, interactive deception. He’s creating relationships under false pretenses, pretending to be someone he isn’t, and that behavior isn’t just about sexual exploration; it’s about lying to others and, by extension, deceiving you. Even if he claims he won’t meet anyone or that it’s “harmless,” the energy, time, and secrecy he invests in this behavior signals a lack of boundaries and respect in the relationship. That’s a serious issue, especially when you’re trying to plan a life together.

The age difference and your life circumstances amplify the concern. You’re 23 and supporting someone nearly twice your age, who has spent years cultivating an alternate sexual outlet while struggling with work. There’s a power imbalance here emotionally, financially, and experientially that makes it harder for you to assert boundaries and protect your well-being. Even though he may make you happy in certain ways, the question isn’t just about happiness; it’s about whether you can trust him to be honest, respectful, and equitable in the relationship. Right now, those trust foundations are shaky.

Boundaries are crucial. You need to separate your support from enabling his deceptive behavior. That could mean setting clear expectations about finances, time, and honesty before marriage. If he refuses to respect those boundaries, that’s a red flag that he may not be capable of the stability and integrity required for a life partner. Character, respect, and shared values matter far more in the long-term than immediate happiness or sexual compatibility. You deserve a partner who enhances your life without requiring you to compromise your self-respect or moral comfort.

Finally, this situation is not a moral judgment against your love for him or your acceptance of his sexuality, it’s a practical assessment of compatibility and integrity. His exploration of sexual identity and fantasies is his own, but when it impacts you, your trust, and your shared future, it becomes a relationship issue. You have to weigh the love you feel against the reality of his actions and decide whether you can build a life with someone whose honesty and priorities align with yours. Right now, your instincts are correct to question this, and protecting yourself emotionally, financially, and morally must come first.

[Member]

Posts