[missmysticfalls]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for over two and a half years now. He was my first real relationship and is two years older than me. I adore him as a person, we get along wonderfully and we rarely argue. He is my best friend in the world, he’s got a great family who love me and he treats me like a princess. The only problem is i feel like we have no sexual chemistry. Right from the beginning I wondered if I was supposed to be feeling something more when we kissed (butterflies? sparks?) but having nothing to base off of since this was my first relationship I just didn’t know what to think. This wasn’t really an issue for awhile and things were going well but once we started having sex everything slowly went downhill. The sex was uncomfortable, enjoyable, and i spend every time wishing it would end. I get nothing out of it and I wouldn’t mind never doing it again. I didn’t let this get to me for years now but lately I’ve been feeling like something is wrong. I don’t know how things are supposed to feel but I worry that I’m wasting time in an otherwise wonderful but passionless relationship when there could be something out there i don’t even know about yet. I’m so stressed about the possibility of ending things with him and over thinking everything that I don’t even want to kiss him lately for fear or not feeling anything and taking it as a sign we should end things. I really do love him and I’m terrified of losing him and hurting him but I just don’t know what to do. Can this be fixed or am I fighting a losing battle. I just don’t know what to do!

[AskApril Masini]

How old are you both?

[missmysticfalls]

I’m 19 and he is 21

[AskApril Masini]

Got it. Thank you for the age information. I think that’s the key here. You’re both very young and don’t have a lot of experience, so you’re right to wonder if there’s more you can do to make your sex lives better.

First of all, you have to be responsible for your own body. You have to get to know it, and just because you’re having sex doesn’t mean you know your body. It just means that you’re engaging in a sexual act. There’s way more to sex than the act itself. For instance, you can go shopping and buy milk, or you can be a great shopper and find the best milk, at the best price at the coolest store! Same with sex. You can have sex, or you can have really interesting sex that makes you both want more. If you know how it feels to have sexual pleasure, you can explain or guide or let you boyfriend know how you like to be touched and what makes you feel good. In spite of his being two years older than you, he may not know how to make you feel good, and guys usually don’t like to fail so if they don’t know how to do something, they sometimes won’t explore — they’ll stick with what they know works, even if it isn’t working well. A woman’s body can be very overwhelming for a guy who is new to sex, because so much happens in different places than what he’s used to on his own body. So figure out what you like, on your own, and share with him in a way that doesn’t make him feel like he’s failed, but instead, as if you’re sharing this great new secret with him and you want him in on the journey with you.

For now, stick with the relationship — and see if you can make things better. If you can, you may really enjoy the relationship more than you are now. If you can’t, then maybe it’s not really the sex, it’s the relationship that’s faded. But give this a try. 🙂

Hope that helps.

[Sally]

Sometimes someone can be an amazing partner and still not be the right romantic match for your body. That doesn’t mean the love isn’t real. It just means the connection is uneven. The fact that sex feels uncomfortable and like something you want to get over with is important. That’s not a small detail, even if everything else feels safe and good.

At the same time, it’s also okay that this is confusing. He was your first everything. You didn’t have a comparison, so you tried to push past the doubts and hope they’d disappear. A lot of people do that. But now your heart is asking a question you can’t ignore anymore.

This might be something that could improve with honest conversation, time, or even learning together. Or it might be your body telling you this is more of a deep friendship than a lifelong partnership. Neither answer makes you the bad guy.

You don’t have to decide today. Just don’t keep forcing yourself to feel something your body is resisting. Love shouldn’t feel like bracing yourself.

[Tara]

This is not a romantic relationship, it’s a comfortable friendship you’ve been pretending is love because it’s safe and familiar. You don’t have “low chemistry,” you have zero desire. Sex doesn’t feel awkward, uncomfortable, or like something you want to end if attraction exists. You’re not confused; your body has been screaming “no” the entire time, and you’ve been ignoring it because he’s nice, stable, and treats you well. That’s not passion. That’s gratitude mixed with fear.

Stop lying to yourself by calling this “stress” or “overthinking.” You dread sex. You don’t want to kiss him. You fantasize about never having sex again. That alone answers your question. A relationship where physical intimacy feels like a chore you endure is already dead; you’re just keeping it on life support because you’re scared of being alone and terrified of hurting someone who didn’t technically do anything wrong. Newsflash: staying with someone you’re not attracted to is far crueler than leaving them.

You’re also clinging because he was your first. First doesn’t mean right. First just means you didn’t know any better yet. You’re mourning the fantasy of what this relationship should have been, not what it actually is. And no, this isn’t something you “fix.” You can’t manufacture sexual desire through communication, therapy, or sheer willpower. Attraction is either there, or it isn’t, and after two and a half years, if it hasn’t shown up, it never will.

[Member]

Posts