[emma0326]

I have been dating my boyfriend for almost a year and a half now. We have had issues off and on because we are different in some ways and therefore our ideas and the way we do things clash sometimes. He has a generally flirty personality and has quite a few female friends, however, I have never worried about him cheating on me, ever. Trust has never been much of an issue. Recently, however, I was at a party and was approached by 2 girls asking if I had known that he made an appearance on a reality tv show (this is a show that involves a bunch of women in a house. There were scenes of him in a hot tub with women and a scene where he got into bed with one). Furious, I confronted him about it and threatened to end things. He told me that it was filmed a year ago (4 months after we started dating) and that he went with a group of his friends and they were randomly offered the once in a lifetime opportunity. He assured me that everything was staged and nothing truly happened between him and the girls. I believe that everything was staged and still am not too worried about him cheating on me, but I was really upset that he didn’t even tell me about it. When I asked why, he said he didn’t think it was going to air and that he didn’t think it was important enough to tell me. I was mad about this and in response, he claimed he would tell me everything in the future, not just things he found important.

I still am unsure that I can trust him to tell me everything after this. I feel like he might not tell me things if there’s certainty I won’t find out. This could just be me with these newfound trust issues. I love him and don’t think he has bad intentions necessarily. I just think he doesn’t think of me when he’s making decisions and doesn’t put as much importance into how his actions will make me feel.

My friends keep telling me I should break up with him, but I feel as though they don’t know the whole story and only hear the negative things about our relationship. However, it is hard for me to come home after an argument with him and tell them that we are still together. I know that they are disappointed, but I feel like I just need to figure things out for myself.

I really care about him and can’t imagine being without him, which is why I have kept accepting the promises he’s made after our off and on arguments. I want things to work out for us, but is breaking things off the right thing to do?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Being on a reality television show, if only for one episode, seems like kind of a big omission in a one and a half year relationship. 😕 You’re right to assume there are other things he hasn’t told you as well. I think that the important thing here is to talk to him about how you want the kind of relationship where you share these types of experiences with each other. He may come from a family culture where keeping secrets like this are normal — or he may be playing you. But until you talk to him, you won’t know. You’ve learned something important about him, and the two of you may have different ideas of how a relationship plays out. There are many couples with a don’t ask/don’t tell relationship, that goes the distance because they’re in mutual agreement on these types of omissions. Other couples are much more symbiotic and wouldn’t tolerate this type of omission. Talk to him about how this made you feel — not just out of control, but embarrassed that he was filmed in bed with another woman at a time when the two of you were dating, and how not having learned about it from him made you look like you were being played and that upset you — because of the social embarrassment and the feeling that it might be true. Try to talk to him without getting angry. Dig deeper and talk about your hurt. And listen. He really may not have realized it would have hurt you as much as it did, and he has an opportunity to learn from you, too. Give him a chance to have a dialog with you, instead of going off on a rant. Approach this as a conversation (or series of conversations) where you have an opportunity to get to know him more than you thought you did. And of course, if you don’t like what you learn, you can leave, but since you’ve been together for 18 months, give the conversation a chance.

I hope that helps.

[emma0326]

Firstly, thank you for such a quick response!

I have talked to him about it, but it was more of a one sided conversation, him listening to me, agreeing and comforting. I think I will start up another conversation about it and ask honestly how he would prefer to go about communicating things like this in the future. My issue is we’ve had conversations about things that bothered me in the past and have had problems with the same arguments reoccurring, which leads me to believe he will agree to improving communication but won’t stick to it for long.
I think a conversation will give me a good feel for what his attitude towards the future will be though, so thank you so much for the advice!!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re very welcome.

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