[dianas1086]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 years (we have a 4 year old daughter together). We have been through many ups and downs and recently in March we broke up and he moved out. I admit that I was in part to blame because I chose my family over him and I would call him names and degrade him during arguments.

Because we have a daughter together every weekend he comes over my house and we spent the entire weekend as if nothing happened (we are intimate, we call each other baby, we tell each other we love you). I would ask him if he was seeing anyone else and he would reassure me that this break was for us to grow separately in order to be in a better relationship.

About 2 weeks ago I found out that through facebook he reconnected with an ex-girlfriend from high school. They hung out a couple of times and had sex (he claims only once not sure I believe him). I was heartbroken and felt betrayed.

He admits it was wrong but feels like it was not cheating due to the fact that we were “broken up”. He apologized and said that part of the reason why he had sex with her is because I lowered his self esteem so much that he liked receiving attention from someone else. He still wants to work on our relationship but wants to take things very slowly. He promised me that from now on he will be faithful to me and that he stopped talking to that girl (the girl also knows about me now).

The issue is that I have no trust in him whatsoever and I don’t want to be hurt again. Everytime I want to talk to him about this he shuts down and just wants to take things slowly. We can’t afford counseling and I just don’t know if I should move on with my life or keep fighting for my family? Is he just leading me on?

[AskApril Masini]

You’re not getting the big picture. From what you’ve described, YOU’RE the one who blew it. 😳 Not him. If you want him back, you have to win him back. Everything he’s doing is right. When he moved out, he had every right to explore other relationships with other women. In fact, I think it was a good idea for him. He didn’t have a responsibility to tell you if he was dating or sleeping with anyone else since the two of you broke up. Your sense of betrayal is fueled by denial. Of course he’s going to date and have sex with other women. For you to think otherwise after the break up and move out was fooling yourself. 🙁

If you were degrading him and choosing your family over him, he’s right to want to see if you’ve changed before he decides to re-commit to you. Who in their right mind would put themselves in that situation? Not a healthy man, that’s for sure. In fact after your treating him like less than a partner, it’s completely understandable that he’s going to look elsewhere for respect and affection. It’s pretty normal.

You’re turning this situation around and stating that you don’t trust him. Well, you have no reason to distrust him. In fact, he’s the one who should be distrusting you to treat him well.

It’s time for you to change the way you treat him because regardless of whether you’re in a romantic relationship with him, you have a daughter together and for her sake, you need to treat her father well. If you’re not willing to change you’re going to have these problems in whatever relationship you get into with any man.

My advice is you take a good long look in the mirror and decide who you want to be, and how much you’re willing to do to be that person. The ball is totally in your court.

[dianas1086]

Wow I was not expecting that answer at all! It’s definately a reality check. I do have to admit I have changed a lot since he moved out (2 months ago). The reason why I would always verbally abuse him is because (not that it makes it ok) my father always abused my mother (verbally and physically) and she never said anything. Back then I looked at this as weakness but now I see how strong she was to be the bigger person. Subcounciously I didnt want to be a “victim”.

It just hurts that we were still being intimate and he was doing this behind my back all while lying to me when I asked him. He would drop hints like saying “I’m not having sex with anyone” “I stay home all day ” when in reality I also found it he was going out all over the place while I’m working, taking care of our daughter by myself 95% of the time, and going to school.

I also have a lot of pent up anger from our past (he’s cheated on me before) so I’m just confused. I know I have done a lot to hurt our relationship but I just think it’s wrong of him to have told me and given me false hopes saying that this break was for us to be in a better relationship and for the sake of our family. Specially since we have been together almost 7 years together and I have done a lot for him as well. For the majority part of our relationship I have been the “bread winner” and the only person he could rely on. Also how can you tell someone you love them and they are your soul mate but have sex with someone else? I just don’t get it. But thank you for the advice.

[AskApril Masini]

You’re doing a lot of hard work looking honestly at yourself and your past. It seems like you’ve picked up a lot of unfortunate traits from your father — including being the breadwinner when you’re the woman in the relationship, as well as the mother of a child with your partner. 😳

Now, it’s time for you to start nurturing and evoking that feminine side of yourself. This is going to be a lot harder to do than to talk about. I strongly suggest you get my book called Think & Date Like A Man, and read it. You can download it here: [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url]. What you can learn from this book is how to bring out your female side. You’ve played the male role for too long, and it hasn’t served you well.

I have a lot of confidence in your taking on a more feminine role in your relationships leading to happiness and peace for you and your partner.

You’re right that he was betraying you when he said you were his soulmate, all the while sleeping with other women, but you have to understand your part in that. You drove him away with your abuse. He didn’t have the strength to just walk out on you — at least not all at once. In fact, he may never have been strong enough for you. You may have chosen him because he wasn’t, as well. 😕

I know this seems all to be awful right now, but I have a feeling that if you roll up your sleeves, you’re going to really make some progress, personally, and that progress will translate into peace and happiness in your personal relationships with others.

[martine4161]

Basically If you feel bad if he is hook up with the other girl then you are still in love with him and you should accept it. Actually he loves you also but at the same time he wants to show you that I can also live without you so you should forget everything and try to make the home again as ago.

[AskApril Masini]

[b]martine4161[/b] rocks! Because you have a child together, you owe it to her to do the work and win him back. Your daughter deserves to have her father in her life as much as any other little girl, and you have to sacrifice as a mother to give her what is best for her. So put your ego on the shelf, and do the work you need to do to save your family.

[Ethan Morales]

You both hurt each other but the scales aren’t even. You admit you called him names and degraded him. That kind of treatment chips away at someone’s self-worth over time. When he left, he wasn’t just “taking space,” he was escaping something toxic. So yeah April’s right about one thing: you did play a big role in pushing him away. Doesn’t make him perfect, but it means accountability starts with you.

His “not cheating” argument technically holds, emotionally doesn’t. You were broken up, so technically it wasn’t cheating. But emotionally, it feels like betrayal because you were still acting like a couple being intimate, saying “I love you,” spending weekends together. That’s what messes people up. He should’ve been clear about boundaries. Instead, he blurred them. You weren’t crazy for feeling hurt. You were misled.

He’s right to move slowly. He probably doesn’t trust the situation either. After being torn down emotionally, a person doesn’t just jump back in. He wants to see actions, not apologies. So his distance isn’t necessarily punishment it’s self-protection.

But this “we’ll just act like a family on weekends” setup is dangerous. It’s giving you false hope and keeping both of you stuck. You’re not together, but you’re not apart either. That’s limbo and it kills real progress. If you’re going to rebuild, it has to be intentional. No more halfway love.

You can’t rebuild trust until there’s real change. You both need to learn to communicate without attacking or shutting down. If counseling isn’t an option, start small books, videos, or even relationship podcasts that focus on communication. But he can’t rebuild trust if you’re still reactive, and you can’t rebuild love if he’s hiding behind silence.

Stop focusing on whether he’s “leading you on.” The real question is: Do you both have the capacity to change enough to make it healthy this time? If not, it doesn’t matter who’s right or wrong. It’ll crash again.

Be honest with yourself first. If you truly want him back, not out of fear or habit, but because you want to love him better then take ownership and do the work. But if deep down you just want the comfort of the old pattern, then it’s time to let go and rebuild yourself, not the relationship. You don’t win him back with apologies you win him back by showing him that the version of you who hurt him is gone.

[Natalie Noah]

The sense of complexity and emotional weight in what she’s going through. It’s clear that both partners have contributed to the tension and pain in their relationship. On one hand, Diana recognizes her own past behavior verbal abuse and putting her family over her partner and sees how it impacted the dynamic. Her honesty about her upbringing and how she modeled some behaviors from her father shows a lot of self-awareness, which is an essential first step in addressing the root issues in a long-term relationship.

What’s really striking is the duality of trust and intimacy in their relationship. Despite being physically close and intimate, Diana feels betrayed because her partner explored sexual relationships with other women during their break, which makes her question his honesty and commitment. This is entirely understandable emotional and sexual fidelity are deeply intertwined with trust. Even if technically they were “broken up,” the emotional impact of his actions creates a gap in safety and trust that she now has to navigate.

At the same time, April Masini’s advice shifts the perspective to personal responsibility. She highlights that Diana’s past behavior may have driven her partner away, pointing out that she played a strong, protective role that may have unintentionally pushed him toward seeking affirmation elsewhere. While this might feel harsh, the point isn’t blame. it’s empowering Diana to see what she can control: her own growth, responses, and the ways she nurtures her relationship going forward.

The suggestion to nurture her feminine side is about balance. Diana has spent a lot of time in the “breadwinner” and protector role, which has contributed to the strain. Bringing out her softer, nurturing, and receptive qualities doesn’t mean abandoning strength or independence; it means creating an emotional space where her partner can feel appreciated, respected, and supported in ways that complement each other. This can rebuild trust gradually and shift the relational dynamics in a healthier direction.

This situation is an opportunity for Diana to grow personally and relationally. It’s not about excusing his actions or pretending they didn’t hurt; it’s about learning from the past, owning her part, and taking proactive steps toward fostering a relationship that is mutually respectful and secure. If she invests in understanding herself and cultivating the balance between independence and intimacy, she can transform both her relationship and her sense of self-worth whether with him or in future partnerships. It’s a challenging path, but the awareness she’s showing is the foundation for real change.

[Tara]

You’re clinging to a man who already walked out, slept with someone else, and now wants the perks of being your partner without the accountability. You’re calling it love because the alternative is admitting you’ve let yourself be degraded, confused, and emotionally cornered for months.

Let’s cut the fantasy: you weren’t “taking space to grow separately.” You were broken up. Full stop. He knew it, you knew it, and he used that freedom to reconnect with an ex and have sex. You can call it “once” or “a couple of times,” the number doesn’t change the meaning. He didn’t hesitate. He didn’t grieve. He didn’t work on himself. He went straight to the easiest source of validation he could find.

And then he had the nerve to blame you for it: “You lowered his self-esteem.” That’s not remorse. That’s emotional manipulation. He’s rewriting the story to make his cheating feel justified instead of admitting he chose because he wanted to. And you’re swallowing it because you’re terrified of being a single mother.

Now look at the pattern: he comes over every weekend, plays house, sleeps with you, calls you baby… but refuses to talk about the betrayal, refuses to define the relationship, and insists everything must be “slow.” Slow for what? He already moved out. He already slept with someone else. The only thing he wants slowed is your ability to hold him accountable.

When someone wants you, they move toward you. When someone wants to keep you as a backup, they keep you close enough to use and far enough to avoid responsibility. Guess which one he’s doing.

You don’t trust him because he’s not trustworthy. Your body knows it, your mind knows it, and that’s why every conversation ends with him shutting you down. You’re asking for honesty, and he’s asking for silence.

[Sally]

Six years and a child together isn’t small, and I can tell you’re carrying the blame on your back. But don’t let that blind you. He didn’t have to sleep with someone else. People don’t fall into beds by accident.

And the part that worries me is how he wants the comfort the weekends, the intimacy, the “I love you” but shuts down the second you ask for real answers. That’s not rebuilding. That’s avoiding.

You can love someone and still know the trust is cracked. And once you start checking his stories, his moods, his phone… that’s a hard place to live.
I can’t tell you to leave, but I will say this: if he wants a future with you, he has to meet you in the hard conversations. If he won’t, you’ll end up doing all the work alone.

[Member]

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