[cdvt]

I have been with the same guy on and off for the last 7 1/2 years. We started dating when I turned 16 and I’m now 23. I understand that being on and off again was necessary as we both had a lot of growing up to do. Sometimes, he was not the best boyfriend to me and it hurt a lot. This past year, he has done everything he can to apologize for the past and show me that I’m his first priority and he wants a future with me. But now…7 years later, he tells me that before me, he slept with two girls. He claims that they were bad experiences when he was younger, and he had blocked them out mentally for years. We waited many years before we decided to take our relationship to that level, and when we did, it was only because I was under the impression that we were going to get married and we would be each other’s first and only partner. He said he wanted the same. Then, he “came clean” because he said he remembered that it happened, he knew for sure I was the one, he wanted us to spend our lives together, and he couldn’t have any secrets between us when we moved forward. We weren’t together when he slept with them, and they were both before me… but I feel so betrayed. I still love him… but now I’m not only not his “first,” I’m third. And for the last 3 years, I thought we had this incredible bond. Obviously, I know that most people my age have had sex with many people, but I never wanted that. He is still my first and only, and now there is this added baggage and I can’t seem to forgive him. I honestly want to… I just don’t know how to. We no longer have a physical relationship because I don’t feel like I can do that anymore. He understands and is fine with waiting until we’re married now. He has even already asked my parents for their blessing to propose to me. I believe that he is sorry and regrets his decisions, but how I do I get past this? Are there any tricks to help me move past this so I can really forgive him and be completely happy with him again? Or is there a point where there is too much baggage and love is really not enough?

[AskApril Masini]

He didn’t cheat on you. He lied to you.

The question you have to ask yourself is, Is this man someone who lies to me? Or was it just once? Is he someone I can count on?

The subject matter is obviously very sensitive to you, and he probably lied to you because he knew it would upset you. That doesn’t make him very brave, but it doesn’t make him a horrible person or someone who would be a bad husband, either. He made a mistake.

As you get older, you’ll understand that people acquire baggage along the way. It’s their lives. If you want someone who is very sheltered, you have to be careful to find that person. It’s difficult. Ask yourself if what’s really upsetting you is the fact that he lied to you or the fact that he had sex with two other people before he knew you. If it’s the latter, then you should absolutely forgive him because it’s the realistic thing to do.

I think that if you can see this man as someone who lied once to you, and is remorseful and wanting to make it up to you, and is someone who has good integrity, normally, you should forgive him. Forgiveness is difficult. Take your time.

I hope that helps. Let me know how things go, and please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: .

[cdvt]

Thank you so much for your response, April. I did decide to forgive him and it was definitely the right thing to do. He continues to prove what a great guy he is, and that was really the only thing making me unhappy. So I forgave him and now while it still stings occasionally, I let myself feel happy. We are happy. And I’m 99% sure we will be engaged soon 🙂 Thank you so much.

[AskApril Masini]

I’m very glad things worked out for you and that I could help. 😀

If you’d be willing, I’m looking for readers who find my advice helpful, to send me a video clip of their endorsement of this site. If you would, could you send one to me? You can send it to [email protected].

[b]Check out my new FB Fan Page!! And If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” me — and tell a friend!
[url][/url][/b]

[cdvt]

I am engaged, and should be getting married this summer. I can’t believe I have to say it, but I’m having doubts. I love him, but we have been having the same argument lately that I can’t get over. My weight/size. I have been exercising and eating better… but shouldn’t he love me no matter what? He brings it up as a “health worry” but I’m not really unhealthy, just not thin. I’m honestly not even what I think most people would call fat. I wear size 3, 5, 7 depending on jeans style, and usually size Small tops, but I do have cup size D, so it depends on that as well. I’m also very short, so curves are more apparent. He has brought up a few times that I’m not the same size as when he proposed last summer… though I don’t know of much of a difference and I’m still wearing the same clothes I was then. Obviously, he is unhappy with how I look or we wouldn’t have this conversation. He wants me to work out harder and lose more weight to make him happy. Is this something that I should just try to do, or should this be a deal breaker? Yes, I complain about my body, too, just like a lot of women, I know. But, I really don’t start to hate myself until he brings it up. It won’t be much of a honeymoon if I’m too ashamed of myself to take my clothes off around him. I don’t really feel like I can talk to anyone about this, because it is humiliating to admit that the man I love feels this way. I also don’t think my family would continue to support us in the same way if they knew what he has said to me. I’m so hurt by it and ashamed, I just don’t know what to do. Should this be a deal breaker? Should I call off the wedding? Am I overreacting? Thank you for reading and helping!

[AskApril Masini]

You’re definitely overreacting. 😉 If you’ve gained weight, and he wishes you were thinner — why don’t you try to lose the weight and make him happy? I’m not sure why you’re digging your heals in the sand when by losing the weight and getting in shape, you could be fitter, get back to the weight you were when you were first dating, [i]and most importantly[/i], making your fiance happy! Men are visual, and he’s obviously noticed that you’ve put on a few pounds. It’s very normal for men to want a wife who is sexy and fit.

Instead of making a big deal out of this, just work on losing the weight. He’ll be thrilled, you’ll feel sexier and healthier, and this doesn’t have to be an issue. 😀

[b]Check out my new FB Fan Page!! And If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” me — and tell a friend!
[url][/url][/b]

[Ethan Morales]

The background with your fiancé and the earlier issue about him not being your “first” is fundamentally different from this new concern. You worked through that, you forgave him, and the relationship stabilised, which shows your capacity for forgiveness and understanding. That previous situation was about honesty and emotional trust, and you were able to weigh his remorse and consistent behaviour to make a reasoned decision. That’s a very healthy way to handle conflict in a long-term relationship.

This new issue about your body and his comments is far more delicate because it hits your self-esteem directly. Unlike past events that were external (his history with other partners), this is personal and ongoing it involves your daily sense of self, confidence, and comfort with your own body. Even if he frames it as a “health concern,” the way it’s making you feel ashamed is real, valid, and can undermine your intimacy if not addressed.

There’s a big difference between supportive encouragement and repeated, judgmental comments. If your fiancé’s focus is genuinely on your health and fitness in a positive, loving way, it should feel motivating, not shaming. But from what you’ve described, bringing up your size repeatedly, implying you need to change to please him that crosses into controlling behavior. Even small remarks can accumulate and create resentment or self-doubt, which is not healthy for a partner or a marriage.

This isn’t about “overreacting” at all. Feeling hurt or ashamed in response to criticism of your body is natural. Your value in a relationship should never be conditional on size or shape. Mutual respect and attraction are important, but repeated pressure to alter your body to meet someone else’s ideal is a red flag. It’s worth reflecting on how often he’s raising the issue and whether it’s coming from genuine concern or control.

Solutions here require honest communication. You can express to him how these comments affect your confidence and intimacy. A supportive partner would listen, reassure you, and adjust their behavior. It’s not about refusing to be healthy or fit, it’s about feeling accepted, loved, and secure in your relationship without fear of judgment. If he cannot respond with empathy, that’s a serious issue to consider before marriage.

This is not about an immediate breakup, but it is a relationship test. Your prior success at working through difficult issues shows you’re capable of navigating challenges, but body-shaming concerns are a potential long-term dynamic that can erode trust, intimacy, and self-worth. The key is to address it directly, set boundaries about respectful communication, and gauge whether he can respond in a way that strengthens the relationship rather than diminishes you.

[Tara]

You’re not hurt because he slept with two girls, you’re hurt. After all, you built your entire identity around a fantasy that was never real. You turned “being each other’s first” into the foundation of your relationship, and now that the foundation has cracked, you’re acting like the whole house has to collapse. That’s not betrayal, that’s immaturity.

He didn’t cheat. He didn’t lie to you. His experiences were before you even existed in his life. You’re punishing a grown man for something he did as a teenager long before you were together. The only reason this feels catastrophic is that you clung to the idea that purity equals love, and now you don’t know who you are without that storyline.

And let’s be brutally direct:
You’re not “third.” You’re his partner.
You’re obsessing over ranking like you’re in some sexual competition. You’re acting like his past invalidates your entire relationship, when the only person making it invalid right now is you.

The reason you can’t forgive him is simple you don’t want to let go of the fantasy. You’d rather cling to anger than accept reality: adults have pasts. If you want a grown-up relationship, you need a grown-up mindset. He’s doing everything right, apologising for past mistakes, prioritising you, respecting your boundaries, asking your parents’ blessing, and you’re the one freezing intimacy because you can’t handle that he wasn’t a blank slate before you arrived.

There is no “trick.” You either choose to accept the man in front of you, or you walk away and spend the rest of your life hunting for a perfect, untouched fairytale that doesn’t exist.

[Sally]

When you build your whole idea of love around “we’re each other’s first,” it’s not just a fact it becomes part of your story. And finding out the story wasn’t what you thought… that hurts in a way that’s hard to explain to anyone who hasn’t lived it.

But here’s the thing: he didn’t cheat on you. He didn’t pick them over you. He was just young and messy before he even knew you were going to matter this much. And you’ve said it yourself he’s been showing up for you, choosing you, trying to build a future with you. That stuff is real.

What you’re grieving right now is the idea you had. And that grief doesn’t mean the relationship is broken it just means your heart needs time to catch up to the truth.
There’s no trick to forgiving. It just… softens slowly. One honest moment at a time.

Don’t rush yourself. Just stay honest with him and with yourself. The rest will settle.

[Natalie Noah]

The tension between love, trust, and self-worth in her journey. On one hand, she has a long, deep history with her partner seven and a half years of on-and-off dating, growing up together, and learning each other’s patterns. That shared history, plus his consistent efforts over the past year to show remorse and prioritize her, indicates he values the relationship deeply. Yet, the revelation that he had slept with others before her, and had initially withheld it, triggered a profound sense of betrayal. It’s natural that cdvt struggled with forgiveness, because it wasn’t just about the past experiences themselves. it was the timing and secrecy that touched her sense of being “first” and unique in his life. Her path toward forgiveness illustrates the delicate balance between holding onto personal boundaries and nurturing a long-term partnership.

What stands out is how she ultimately chose to forgive, recognizing that most people carry baggage, and that one past lie, paired with genuine remorse and consistent effort to rebuild trust, doesn’t necessarily define the future of a relationship. Her acknowledgment that she occasionally still feels a sting is healthy. it’s a reminder that forgiveness is a process, not a switch you can flip. She leaned into the reality that her partner’s actions since have demonstrated reliability, love, and intent to build a life together. This illustrates an important point: forgiveness doesn’t mean erasing hurt. it means choosing to move forward with awareness, while still honoring your feelings.

However, the next chapter she brings up his comments about her weight reflects a different dynamic, one that feels more controlling than hurtful from the past. Unlike the previous situation, which involved reconciling past mistakes, this issue touches on self-esteem, body image, and emotional safety in the present. A partner repeatedly criticizing your body under the guise of “health concerns” can erode confidence and intimacy. Even if he intends it as concern or motivation, the effect on her feeling ashamed, anxious, and humiliated is real. This isn’t about a past secret; it’s about ongoing behavior that impacts her sense of worth and the emotional climate of their relationship.

My perspective is that you handled the first challenge his past and secrecy with grace and forgiveness, but the weight comments are a red flag she shouldn’t dismiss. Relationships thrive on respect, emotional safety, and acceptance, not just physical appearances or compliance. If she continues to feel ashamed or pressured, it could strain intimacy and self-love, which are crucial for a happy marriage. A gentle but firm conversation about how his remarks affect her feelings, with clear boundaries around respect and support, would be important before taking the step of marriage. Love is vital, but it cannot flourish when emotional safety and self-esteem are compromised.

[Member]

Posts