[confused1977]

So… I’ve been with my girlfriend for 9 years. It was on and off for the 1st 4 years because she cheated and lied. There have been other problems the other 5 years with her chatting with other guys online. I don’t care that she chats, but these chats were clearly sexually. One instance was with a guy she met at a friends wedding. If I hadn’t found out she probably would have “hooked up” with him since she was even asking her friend about him. She always says the same thing when she gets caught… that she’s sorry and she would have never gone through with it even though she has in the past, like the 1st 4 years.

Well back in March she was going to leave me after talking to one of the guys she cheated on me with, come to find out she had been talking to him for quite some time and had some very interesting conversations which included sexual talk. She also talked about how bad she wanted to be with him but couldn’t bring herself to actually leave me. Well one day she brought herself to it because she said she had chosen to leave and go live with him but when she told him she was coming over for good, he changed his mind and I decided to let her stay. We talked and thought everything would be fine. She said she loved me and she made a mistake.

Everything has been fine since then except for the thought of it in my head that if he hadn’t changed his mind, she would be gone. On top of all this, she is dead against getting married and has been for a long time. I’ll also add that she did talk about getting married before.

I’m at the point now where I’m questioning everything. She says she loves me and wants to be with me. Says everything she has done wrong, has been a mistake and I’m all she wants, but still doesn’t want to get married. It makes me feel like an idiot letting her get away with so much for so long. I’ll also add that we do night fight, even when things go wrong we talk about it. We also own stuff together, a house and vehicles. She always says she would have never purchased a house with me if she didn’t want to be with me. We bought the house 3 years ago, well before she was actually going to leave me.

I don’t know what to do. I am madly in love with her, I just don’t know if the feelings are mutual. Would she pull the stuff she has is the feelings are mutual or is she waiting for another chance to leave? I’m just confused and lost. We have no kids and we both don’t want kids. HELP

[honeybee02]

This may be the toughest situation to get out of, and I know, coming from experience.

This girl seems confused, unsatisfied, and very insecure. It seems as though, in a sense, she uses you in order to feel “complete”, or in order to avoid being alone. She jumped at the chance to be with somebody else, but when he turned her down, she jumped right back into your arms. Believe me, if she was willing to do it once, she will do it again. It’s just a matter of time before she starts talking to, or seeing somebody else behind your back.

It’s hard to be able to tell the truth of a situation sometimes when people’s actions don’t match up with their words. But as with all situations you’ll come across in life, actions (especially repeated ones) display honesty. This girl tells you that she needs you, loves you, wants to be with you, and has made a mistake. But no matter how many times she apologizes to you, what does she do? She does the same thing again. Being truly sorry means you won’t make the same mistake again because you’ve realized it was wrong.

This girl will never stop walking all over you until you stand your ground. If you want to be with this girl, you need to show her that you’re something worth keeping. In order for her to respect you, you need to show her that you respect yourself, and the only way to do that is to show her that you will not put up with her games.

This is the hardest part. Especially because of the nine years you have been together. This girl is your comfort zone. Without her it would feel like your whole world was gone, and there’s no way to get around that. But the only way to respect yourself, and show her you will not put up with games, is to separate yourself from her. The separation will force not only her, but you to own up to your real feelings towards each other.

I wish you the best of luck, and I’m sorry you’re going through this. Nobody should have to.

[AskApril Masini]

Yes, you should leave her. 🙁 In fact, you should have left her a long time ago. 😕 When you write that the first four years were off and on — [i]because she cheated and lied[/i]…. I have a hard time understanding why you thought that that was a relationship you should have stayed in. 😯

Love is a feeling people have for many people in their lives, but respect and commitment are integral to making a long term relationship work between two adults. You don’t have respect and commitment with her — you’ve got a mortgage and two vehicle leases that have entrapped you. Luckily, you don’t have children and you aren’t married because she isn’t going to stop lying, cheating and looking for her next guy to hook up with.

The problem isn’t her — it’s you. 😳 When you stay with someone who behaves badly, you can’t really expect her to act differently. You should know that you’re going to get more of the same. My advice is to decide you want Ms. Right in your life, and then commit to finding her. The woman you’re living with is most definitely not right for you in any way. Sorry. 🙁 I know this will be difficult after nine years, but the sooner you leave her, the better.

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