[Anonymous]

I am a mature adult… in a 16 year relationship with Guy#1 that already started to implode years ago. We have not been intimate for 7 years (some medical reasons…but mostly just grew apart). We live together but have separate bed rooms. We are best friends MOST times but other times bitter enemies. I love him as a friend and always will and still enjoy his company MOST times. We stay together for covenience/bill-sharing. We have decided to split up but still live together for now.

That said, I am rekindled interest in someone from my past Guy#2. I thought I was pretty much dead inside until I spoke with him the other day on the phone. I remembered how much I had liked him and smiled for the first time in a long time (not a fake smile) when I heard his voice. Just thinking about him I get butterflies. My pulse raced like a schoolgirl’s as I spoke to him. Guy#2 and I used to be friends and we had good times together (just as friends though-he had a girlfriend then and respected us both). He was really young then but I wanted to be more than friends… but never pushed for it (perhaps I should have). Anyhow, the last time Guy #2 and I had spoken before this call the other day was 17 years ago. One time he did stand me up as he and I were to go to the movies as friends…so I was pissed at that, but I got over it. We never had a fight, but we hadn’t talked much due to schedules, etc. and he called me and we chit chatted. He said he had broken up with his girlfriend (that he was seeing when we were friends) and then he asked me if I was still going out with the guy I was dating at the time. I said I was and then asked him if he wanted to hang out sometime. He said “sure” he would call me. Then he never called me again, that was 17 years ago. I saw him in passing a few times in town but he was working and I didn’t want to disturb him over the last 17 years. I spoke with him one time in person after that about ten years ago…when I was with Guy#1 and it was very awkward. Guy#2 knew I was living with Guy#1. Guy#1 had gotten married in the mean time as 10 years had passed. I would not ever deal with a married man…so I “forgot” about him over the years, but always thought of him and longed for a glimpse of him in town. So when our business -related business was over—-Guy#2 and me and Guy#1 parted ways. Fast forward 7 years. He called me concerning a business / professional response to an inquiry I had made. I thought it was strange because normally another person would have called me back from a more relevant department. So he calls me and I was just shocked and taken off guard. I was glad to hear his voice. But my current live in was sitting right there so I couldn’t say too much as we hadn’t really “finalized” our “split” yet. So after the business part of the call was over….I asked Guy #2 how he was doing very casual like….though it was really hard to keep my cool. In the course of conversation he offered the following (not solicited by me): He was married for awhile but not anymore. He was then living with someoene for awhile by not anymore and he sees this person periodically and they are still friends. It was a brief call because he was at work so I just thanked him for calling and I think I said it was good to hear from him. I wanted to say so much more but didn’t dare. Now I can’t stop thinking about him. I would love a chance to socialize with him again as I miss my friend and now that we are older things might be different if the opportunity presented itself. Talking to him after not having socially communicated with him in 17 years was so easy. It was as if no time had passed and all the feelings came back to me and I started missing him all over again. Although he offered some very personal information about his relationships…he didn’t really ask me anything too personal (probably because he “thinks” he knows my status) or maybe just doesn’t care. So my question is this…the fact that he called me and I am not 100% sure it was really his job to do so (though it’s a gray line) and he “offered up” the fact that he had two past relationships fail in the last 17 years… info that I didn’t solicit…should I take that as a “possible” step towards me? In all fairness I am sure he sees me in town when he is working….with my current / ex-partner that is just my friend now…but I am sure he assumes he is my husband/boyfriend. I would like to tell Guy#2 but don’t know if I should about my relationship status . He is not the type to break up a relatiionship, he is too respectful for that. If he thinks I am committed/married…then he probably will never call me again. Should I try to send him an email via a social network and casually tell him I miss his friendship and tell him my relationship status and then we can see if maybe we can get together some time and see where it leads if anywhere? Maybe we wouldn’t even like each other as it’s been 17 years. I kind of doubt it from my side anyway. I have his work info but I would never call him there, not my style. I just think that some words were unsaid and maybe one of us needs to take a baby step to see if we can be friends again or possibly more. I don’t want to regret not having tried once more or letting another 10 years pass I am too old for that. I really do like him alot and he always made my smile. And when I first met him, I was married to Guy#3….and then we got divorced. If it wasn’t for Guy#2….I would never have gotten through some hard times. What should I do? I am so confused. I could send an email and leave it at that….tell him I am available that I want to see him and miss his friendship and then leave it in his court and let him make the next play if he wants to. that way, he can opt to not respond at all and that would prevent him from having to hurt my feelings. He can always say he never got the email if I ever saw him again. Perhaps he was just doing his job when he called and that was that. Perhaps…but it sure didn’t “feel” that way to me. I am not the best judgement of people though unless they specifcally state their purpose/feelings. My intuition stinks most times. I really do miss him and even if we could just be friends…I would enjoy his company again. So many people let opportunities to pass becuase they don’t want to take a chance of being hurt. I am terrified as well, but I think it’s worse not to at least try once more and let him know I would like to see him and am available. Advice would really be appreciated ASAP.

[Anonymous]

If this guy (Guy #2) is interested in you, he will let you know in one way or another. You won’t have to do a thing. If he isn’t interested, he will do nothing. Why not enjoy finding out for sure? In order words, DO NOT contact him — let HIM make the first move (or not). Then you can enjoy knowing that he really wants to be in touch with you. Otherwise, you are handing it to him on a platter and not being special. Let him work for it. 😉 If he doesn’t, then you haven’t overextended or overinvested yourself. Please don’t fool yourself that you have to let him know or this golden chance will pass you by. You two have lived in the same town for the past (at least) 17 years. He knew where you were all this time. No matter how artificial the reason for his call, he’s no longer with someone, and he’s fishing. Don’t try to figure out his motive. You never will. Let him fish. Be cool as a cucumber. 😆

By the way, clean things up and move out from Guy #1. Not intimate for 7 years? 🙄
That way if a good guy comes along, you’re actually available. 😀

p.s. I don’t think your intuition “stinks” — I think you know in your heart what to do but you don’t really want to listen to it.

[AskApril Masini]

[b]Chiara[/b] gave you great advice.

Don’t make a move. At all. If he’s interested, he’ll ask you out. If he’s not, he won’t. But frankly, no guy in their right mind is going to date you while you’re still living with your ex-boyfriend. If you need to share bills and rent, find a female roommate. You’re right that missed opportunities are a shame, but if you don’t make yourself single — by living as a single woman, and not with your ex-boyfriend — you’re going to miss opportunities because you appear to be taken. Guys don’t want to date a woman knowing the guy she loved, slept with and dated is living under the same roof she is. Think about it and put yourself in the guy’s shoes.

So make the move — out of your current living situation and then be open to whomever comes along, but don’t you make any other move than the one that requires a moving van! 😉

I hope that that helps, and that you’ll follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[Member]

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