[Anonymouse]

For about the last two months or so i have been hanging out with a girl i had met out one night. We’ve been seeing each other at least 2 times a week since then, she has stayed at my house and seems very comfortable when talking to me.
However, about a month ago i found out that she has/had a boyfriend, someone i have known for a really long time but never really hung out with on a regular basis. This particular boyfriend is currently under investigation of manslaughter(which i’m almost certain he will get involuntary for). So since she has told me about this person its sort of been the cloud hanging over the situation. I now realize that she hasn’t been moving closer to me emotionally because (i assume) she doesn’t want him to be all depressed when he goes away for upwards of at least 5 years.
I can understand that to a certain extent, but i feel like i have been going above and beyond to make her see what she could have, instead of looking through bars to see what she is about to lose. But it hasn’t made her loosen up at all towards me.
At this point its not so black and white as to what the possible outcomes are. I see 4 possible outcomes,
1) He gets put away, She still doesn’t move towards it looking like a relationship(probably the worst outcome)
2) He somehow gets away with no criminal charges and she doesn’t leave him even though he most certainly commit this incident(third worst option)
3) He gets put away, and we get together afterwards(which is nice but poses problems down the road, ill explain my thought process on that)
4) She realizes that im a far better choice for her whether he gets put away or not

In all honesty im seeing option 3 as the most likely path at this point. But my whole reason for posting is that if option 3 does occur. Who am i to assume it was actually because she likes me, or if its just that she doesnt want to be alone at night? Even then if things are amazing for the entire time he is away, what guarantee do i have that she wont go back to him after that?

Rereading this makes me feel like the answer is obvious and that i should just let it go. Its not like i cant find a girl in other places i’ve actually blown off having random sex 2 times now since i have been trying to get to know her. But i really connect with this girl, its painful to be in a conversation with most women i meet for more than a half hour. i lose interest drastically fast and find myself daydreaming more than listening. But with this girl i genuinely enjoy our conversations. I love when i get a text asking me to hang out, and the normal things that would irritate me to no end i can let go by with a smile when i am with her. The only thing that astounds me more than this has been my ability to not pressure her(i havent even gotten to kiss her yet?!@?!?!)into this and trying to be delicate about the situation she is in, having her boyfriend of two years being sent to prison all about 2 months ago.

I guess i just want some general outside perspectives.

sincerely,
Currently going for gold

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Dating is competitive by nature, so having to win someone over isn’t a bad thing. But if the reason you’ve won her over is because her true love was sent to jail, it’s not a real win. It’s a default. I think that’s what you’re considering.

You’ve only known her for two months, so before you get too invested, learn a little more about her. Obviously she’s dating you because she’s not committed to her boyfriend, but you need to find out if she’s someone who can commit. Sometimes people who date criminals or married men or other people who aren’t fully available, do so because deep down, they don’t want a commitment. Sometimes they don’t even realize themselves that they don’t want a commitment and their subconscious is helping them choose inappropriate people to date. So try and figure out if she’s someone who can be compatible with you.

Also, find out more about what kind of alleged criminal this boyfriend is. If he’s into drugs, violence and other dangerous behavior, this isn’t an arena you should want to get involved with because you could end up in danger, yourself.

Basically, you need to learn more about her before you make a commitment, and you can do this by dating her without getting overly involved, or by talking to her more and spending time with her in order to figure out if you want to date her. 😉

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[Anonymouse]

Thank you for the Advice. I’m not too worried about getting myself into trouble i know all about his charges and am not too worried about him as being a dangerous threat. I have been working on casual hangouts nothing with an overbearing amount of pressure, but still trying to convey that i am interested in furthering our relationship. My main worry with the continuance of the relationship we have now is that we do text for hours and hangout fairly often, but im worrying i am making myself too available, giving her all the perks of being my girlfriend(taking her out places, paying for food, not having sex with random women, and having her stay over for nothing more than cuddling) but not actually forcing her to make a decision. i fear if it goes on too much longer i will end up becoming more of a reliable friend than someone she should take a bit more serious than that.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Your concerns are valid.

Nice guys finish last, so my advice is to step up your game, and if you want to date her, then date her, but if you’re not dating her, then don’t be so available. 😉

[Member]

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