[foster1969]

I have been dating a super nice, wonderful guy for about 15 months. I am 40 years old, and divorced.He is 38 and divorced. When I met him he was unemployed, on Army disability and doing odd jobs for a little extra cash. He has no car. He plans on starting school this fall for computer repair. This man is literally so kind, gentle, thoughtful, loves my kids… he writes me poems, he does my laundry, he watches my kids, ect… so wonderful.
When we started dating I asked how long the whole no car, no job situation was going to last. He assured me not long. Here we are 15 months later, and it is all still the same. He has no car so I drive all the time. I am putting miles on my leased vehicle, spending money on gas, making my kids sit in the car while I go pick him up, bring him home, ect.
The money he has barely covers his rent and bills- just the basics. He can barely buy food. I usually ending up paying if we go do anything- movies, dinner, ect cuz I want to do fun things! Not just sit at home.
He says he doesn’t want to get a job- just wait till he finishes school (which is a 2 year degree) before he does that.
So, we have talked about this before and how much it bothers me and is effecting me. But he won’t change anything. I told him we needed to take a break to see how I feel ab9out all if this. I truly don’t think I will be happy with things unless something changes, but I love him and he is so great in so many other ways I wonder if I am stupid to lose the wonderful relationship I have over something stupid??
I don’t know what to do!!

[Lizzy_09]

I know that in a relationship you’ve got to take the good with the bad. You can’t expect everyone to be perfect. So, what makes him priorities his education right now is to be able to get a better job. Why not tell him how you feel. Don’t make it come out as an accusation that he’s not helping out with the expenses. Just try to tell him that your having a difficult time coping up with all your expenditures and it will make you feel better if you can both plan in ways to cut costs.

[foster1969]

I HAVE talked with him. Many many times and nothing ever changes. And a better job? He doesn’t have ANY job right now or since I have met him. It has been 15 months and there has been no change. All we do is stay home and watch movies and eating out consists of Taco Bell. And even then most of the time I foot the bil cuz he has absolutely no cash. I mean, we are 40 years old here.. it isn’t like we are just starting out after high school or something….

[AskApril Masini]

Next!

By the time a man is 38 years old, you probably won’t be seeing many surprises along the way. So if he didn’t have a job when you met him, and now over a year later, he still doesn’t have a job, the chances of his not having a job next year, are pretty good.

If you’re 40, divorced and a single mother, you should really value yourself enough not to even date someone without a job, let alone without a car. You’ve paid your dues in life, and you deserve a man who wants to take care of himself so he can take care of you. This guy sounds more like another child than a suitor.

Just because he’s nice, writes poems and does your laundry, doesn’t mean he’s a good boyfriend or potential husband. Set an example for your children by taking good care of yourself and establishing yourself as the prize for some man to win. Think about what you want for your own children in a mate when they grow up, and be that person, yourself, so you can show them how it’s done.

You don’t need a break from this guy. You need a break up. Move on. You can do better.

[foster1969]

Thank you April I think my friends are all afraid to say the things you just said. I needed to hear them, no matter how hard this is going to be. I do deserve someone who can take care of me for a little while. I don’t mean I want to take advantage of someone, but it is always me taking care of everyone else. My turn.

[AskApril Masini]

Let me know how things are going for you…. 😀

[Natalie Noah]

Someone can be kind, gentle, affectionate, and emotionally supportive but still not be a viable long‑term partner. What she’s dealing with isn’t a small flaw… it’s a lifestyle mismatch. Fifteen months is a long time to see whether someone intends to build stability or stay where they are, and his pattern speaks loudly. No job, no car, no real effort to change and expecting her to carry the financial and practical load places her in the role of caretaker, not partner. That drains a woman emotionally, financially, and mentally, especially when she’s already handling the responsibilities of being a single mother.

What April pointed out is important: at their age, patterns are more reliable indicators than promises. If he hasn’t taken steps in over a year, it’s unlikely that another year will be any different. And while his kindness is beautiful, kindness cannot replace ambition, stability, or partnership. A relationship where one person is constantly giving while the other is simply “being nice” becomes unbalanced, and over time, it erodes respect and attraction. She deserves someone who meets her halfway someone who contributes, grows, and shows through action that he’s ready for an adult partnership.

Choosing to walk away doesn’t mean she doesn’t appreciate his good qualities it means she’s valuing her own needs, her children’s stability, and her future. Leaving isn’t heartless; it’s self‑respect. And sometimes the most loving thing a person can do for themselves is to stop carrying someone who refuses to stand on their own.

[Member]

Posts