[penguin]

I need advice. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 5 years. We have a one year old and we have lived together couple years now. He proposed to me when I was nine months pregnant. I’m 28 and he is 39. Marriage is very important to me – religiously. Before we got engaged- He always had a reason to not get married not enough money, need a new home, need better job, need new cars, need to pay off debt etc etc. I never wanted/or expected a huge wedding. The most important thing is the ceremony not the party. He tells me to trust him but what is he waiting for? We then finally set the date for this july but his brother recently was diagnosed with cancer and therefore he cxl our wedding (since it was to be a destination wedding) Now we planned to get married locally but now he says if his brother gets better he’ll go through with the wedding but if he doesn’t he says we wont go through with it. I understand things are tough right now with his family and the whole situation so do i wait for this to pass and wait for him or ? i love him…he is a the father of my child…my first love… what is he waiting for? what should i do?

[Ask April Masini]

You don’t really have any good choices left if marriage is something you want since you’re with a man who doesn’t want to get married. All you can do is wait.

You forfeited your choice to leave if he didn’t marry you a couple of different times: once when you got pregnant before being married, and once when you moved in with him before getting married. It would have been much easier for you to have decided that a commitment was more important than being with your boyfriend before either of those junctures, and deciding not to get pregnant without marriage or not to move in with him without marriage. But you didn’t. You both moved in with him and got pregnant and while it doesn’t sound like there was ever a deal struck that he backed out of, he’s clearly not wanting to get married and you are. Unfortunately you misread him and made a bad deal for yourself.

But now, since you have a child together you DO have a commitment as co-parents and you already live together. Even though he clearly doesn’t want to get married and he’s stringing you along, it would be irresponsible for you to pull you and your child out of the home you share with him since you co-parent, so you’re stuck.

All you can do is try and understand the mistakes you made along the way so you won’t make them again, and to make the best of the situation you’re in now.

[Anonymous]

This makes me so sad. I feel so unwanted and insecure. I didn’t misread him. Before I moved in with him we were talking marriage. I wanted to wait until after marriage to move in. He told me he needed us to live together no more than a year for us to get married. So I did, thinking it was a compromise- afterall that’s what marriage is like. After a year of living together (that went great) I moved OUT since he never came through on the engagement.

A couple months later I found out I was pregnant. I didn’t move back in with him though. We were like “dating” again and he proposed before our daughter was born. I always thought people got married after they were proposed to and so I moved in after our daughter was born.

And so here we are. How can someone string along a person like this? Why can’t men be honest. If he knew he didn’t want to marry me– just tell me and don’t waste my time. Don’t tell me I’m the girl you’ve been waiting for all your life and then prove it by not marrying me.

April thanks for your advice.

[Ask April Masini]

I’m sorry things haven’t worked out for you, but you can’t act like a victim and still move on. You really have to understand that every step of the way you were responsible for your own actions and you gave up what you needed for yourself so that he could have what he needed. What you thought was a compromise was anything but a compromise. And a proposal is not a marriage. It’s just that — a proposal.

I hope you can understand and evolve from these mistakes especially since you’re still involved with this man.

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