[porscha]

Hello,
My ex and I fell in love at first sight – or at least in lust! After two weeks we started going out with each other and it was wonderful. I worked seasonly and had to go back to tour guiding in Spring. He was upset about this but wee said we would stay together. After about a month we were missing each other so much that I decided to take a chance and quit my job and go back to be with my boyfriend. I had never had a boyfriend before. I was 28 then. Things were fine. I found a job and everything was perfect.
The bad thing was that my boyfriend and his friends like to smoke marijuana regularly. We were living in Holland so at first I thought it was ok – he was ust being a tourist and trying it out but then I began to realise that it was a regular thing. It definitely had an impact on our life together. He would lay in bed for hours at the weekends when I wanted to get up and do things together. I went on a business trip and he was too stoned to meet me at the station late at night so I had to walk home alone when I got back. Small things like that began to make me unhappy. I told him I was unhappy but he didn’t change. Eventually I said I was leaving Holland. I thought I could convince him to leave also and I hoped that then, away from Holland and his friends there, he might change and leave behind his old habits. I moved home but we stayed together. We saw each other every few months. When he came to visit me I knew he had withdrawal symptoms – he sweated at night, he was short-tempered. I visited him and I realised he was also using other drugs. This made me so sad and angry – he was spending money on drugs instead of visiting me or investing in our future.
So we struggled on anyway for two years long-distance. Between August and December 2009 I felt things were falling apart. I started a post-grad at university so I had little available funds to visit him so it had to be him that made the effort to visit me. He didn’t and wee fought on the phone. I was angry because I was sure he was spending money going out, drinking and worse etc instead of booking flights to see me. I suppose I understand he needed a life too and we had no plan to be together properly so he ws just investing in his life in Holland. Anyway around December it was terrible. I told him I felt it was falling apart and we really needed to talk and make an effort. Then I couldn’t reach him one weekend. I sent him an email and said from now on it was completely up to him and that I wasn’t going to make an effort any more, if he wanted me he had to show me this. He called once afterwards and it was fine. Neither of us sent the other Christmas cards or gifts. He called me on Christmas day. I said I loved him. He replied back but I feel it was sympathetic. He said he would call the next day. He never did. On New year’s morning well after midnight he called. He said he loved me. I just said thank you. Then I didn’t hear from him. I called him on 6th January and he told me he had slept with someone else and he needed a break. He said it was after our phonecall on New Year’s after I had been so cold. I wanted to visit him immediately but he said no. He said he needed time to think. He said it was a one-night stand but it wasn’t. I found out that immediately afterwards he started a relationship with this girl.
That was 4 months ago. He called me this week to say he misses me. I miss him too. I love him still. I don’t know what to do. (If we get back together it won’t be long-distance again. We will have to live in the same place.)

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Are you crazy? 😯 Take him back??? You should take him back to the garbage dump, that’s where you should take him back. You’ve broken all of my rules and it’s landed you in dysfunction-ville. Please, please, get my book, Think & Date Like A Man here: [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url], and read it!!

You need to break up with this guy and not spend another second on him. Number one, he’s a drug addict so there will be no reasoning with someone who spends his money on drugs instead of a relationship or a future. Number two, he’s never been that interested in you in spite of his words. Look at his actions and you’ll see that you’ve done all the things a man should do, and he’s acted like the woman who’s not really that interested, but doesn’t have anything better going on. Number three you’re not compatible and haven’t been for a long time now, so other than misguided feelings, there’s nothing about this relationship that will work.

So, no, do NOT take him back. But more importantly you need to understand the dynamics of a relationship and how to make one work so you don’t fall into this trap again.

[Member]

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