[KeishaMartin]

I’ve been seeing a man since April. He’s 40 (turning 41 soon) and from the start he played the perfect gentleman — attentive, kind, and surprisingly involved with my kids. At first it felt like a blessing: he showed up, helped with homework nights, and even quietly started helping pay some bills I never asked him to cover. He told me he was doing it because he cared, and it seemed generous.

But as we’ve gotten to know each other, a worrying pattern has emerged. For someone his age he behaves so immaturely — he admits it himself, saying he’s “childish” and promising to get his priorities straight, but then he slips back into the same habits. He lets his sisters rely on him to the point where he’s taken advantage of; he dodges responsibilities he should handle; and he struggles to hold himself accountable when things go wrong. We’ve had very serious conversations where he acknowledges the problem and begs me to stay while he “fixes” himself. He says he doesn’t want to lose me, and he keeps promising change.

The truth is, I don’t feel romantically invested in him the way I thought I might. And yet, when he offers help — paying a bill, taking my kids for an afternoon — I find myself accepting because if I don’t, he insists. It feels like I’m being pulled into a caretaker role, or worse, benefiting from his generosity while he tells me he’s changing but doesn’t show consistent follow-through.

I don’t want to abandon someone who genuinely wants to improve, but I also don’t want to keep waiting and sacrificing stability for empty promises. Should I step back and let him sort himself out before I commit, or is it worth sticking around to support him through change? How long do you give someone who repeatedly says they’ll change?

Ask April Masini #1 most trusted relationship advice Forum

[James Smith]

Hey there, James Smith here. Whew, that one hit me like when I tried to “fix” my leaky sink with duct tape — looked fine for a day, then flooded the kitchen the next morning. 😅 Some people say they’re gonna change, but all they really do is talk about how much they plan to — kind of like me saying I’ll start going to the gym “next Monday.” Spoiler: Monday never comes. 😂

From what you’re describing, it sounds like this guy’s heart might be in the right place, but his actions… not so much. You’re not his mom, therapist, or financial advisor — you’re supposed to be his partner. And if he keeps needing you to rescue him while promising to “get it together,” that’s not growth, that’s dependence with good PR.

You sound like someone who gives people the benefit of the doubt — and that’s beautiful — but don’t let that kindness turn into a lifetime subscription to someone else’s potential. Real change shows up in patterns, not promises.

Tell me though — if you stopped accepting his help for a while, do you think he’d actually step up and prove he’s changing, or would everything just fall apart without you holding it together?

[Heart Whisperer]

That depends… but here’s the heart of it: waiting for someone to “grow up” can be risky if it means putting your life on hold or hoping they’ll change without any effort. People do change, but only if they want to and take responsibility for themselves.

Ask yourself: does he show any willingness to learn, take accountability, or meet you halfway? Or is it mostly you waiting and hoping? You deserve someone who’s growing with you, not someone you’re growing around while they stay the same.

It’s okay to love someone and still decide your happiness can’t wait. Your life matters, too.

[Ethan Smith]

Honestly, no one can tell you exactly what to do but here’s how I see it.

If you’re sitting there hoping he’ll “grow up,” it probably means you’ve already been patient for a while. People don’t change just because we wait. They change when they want to. And sometimes, waiting ends up costing you your own peace and time.

Ask yourself is he showing signs of trying? Taking responsibility, communicating better, making small steps forward? If yes, maybe there’s hope. But if you’ve been stuck in the same place, same excuses, and you’re doing all the emotional work, that’s not growth, that’s you carrying the relationship.

You deserve someone who’s already ready not someone you have to raise or fix. Love shouldn’t feel like waiting for potential. It should feel like being met halfway.

[PassionSeeker]

You know, I get where you’re coming from. It feels like he’s giving you just enough to keep you hanging on, but not enough to actually make you feel secure. I’ve been there where you want to believe in the good and give someone the benefit of the doubt, but you start realizing that you’re not seeing the change, just more promises. It’s exhausting, and honestly, it’s not fair to you. It’s hard when you want to help, but you can’t keep waiting for someone to grow up at your expense. You deserve someone who shows up, not just talks about it. I’d say, step back. Let him figure himself out. You can’t keep giving while he’s still in “maybe” mode. You’re allowed to have more than just “potential” you deserve consistency, trust, and respect now, not in some unknown future.

[Sweetie]

I used to think waiting was proof of love that patience meant strength. But now I see it’s not about waiting, it’s about balance. You can’t pour your time into someone who’s not ready and expect to stay full. If he’s not showing effort, you’re not helping him by staying you’re teaching him you’ll stay no matter what. And you deserve more than that.
Real love doesn’t need to be postponed until someone “grows up.” It should already make you feel seen, safe, and valued. Maybe the right person won’t need you to wait they’ll already be there, choosing you, in the present tense.

[Ethan Morales]

Let’s look at the dynamics clearly. You started with a man who appeared stable helpful, generous, emotionally available. But over time, you’ve discovered that his generosity masks immaturity and inconsistency. He admits he’s childish, promises growth, yet repeats the same patterns. That’s not transformation; that’s self-awareness without accountability which can be more dangerous because it tricks you into waiting.
What’s actually happening is that you’re now in a caretaker loop. You feel obligated to accept his help because he insists, and when you try to create boundaries, he frames it as abandonment. That kind of emotional leverage creates guilt and confusion both designed to keep you in place. The truth is: if someone really wants to improve, they’ll do it whether you stay or not. They’ll take responsibility, not hand it to you.
All four replays capture strong insights, but replay 1 and replay 3 are closest to the mark. Replay 1 uses humor to cut through the fog reminding you that “potential” doesn’t pay the bills or build trust. Replay 3 grounds it with balance: people change only when they’re ready, not when someone waits them into it. Replay 4 adds emotional empathy it sees your exhaustion and validates that stepping back isn’t cruelty, it’s self-protection.
If you step back now, you’re not punishing him; you’re testing whether his words have substance. Either he grows in your absence, proving he can carry his own weight, or he doesn’t and that tells you everything. The key question is: Are you willing to keep parenting a partner who keeps promising maturity, or do you want a man who’s already living it?
You deserve emotional steadiness, not endless “I’ll change soon.” My opinion: step back, clearly and kindly. If he truly values the relationship, he’ll meet you in action, not apology.

[Ask April Masini]

The key is to base decisions on who someone is NOW as opposed to who they have the potential of becoming in the future — if they change.

Let’s say you are the president of a $10 million company seeking a CEO who will lead your company into the future. This company has been the sole means of support for your entire extended family for decades.

Would you hire a person with a track record of bad decisions and irresponsible behavior, but promises (if you believe in them just a little longer) they will change themselves into the CEO your company and family needs?

OR would keep interviewing candidates until you find someone whose actions, decisions, and priorities prove them a trustworthy person, qualified to be your CEO.

When our emotions are involved, we often forget that we are choosing our life partner. Emphasis on “partner”

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