[Anonymous]

My ex broke up with me about a year ago. It was not pleasant and some nasty things were said, mostly from her side. We spoke about our relationship a few months later, but we didn’t really clear too much up besides what we were going through at the time, I was still hurting and working through issues. I used to see her around mostly from a distance and generally kept away. I slowly got over it, but then about 2 months ago I bumped into her and we had a nice friendly chat. Near the end she told me she was unhappy about how things turned out, but I said that it wasn’t the right time to talk about it (we were both busy and in a crowded thoroughfare). Since then I helped her on her travels in Australia using facebook to get in contact with my friends who live there. She thanked me, but I was doing it because others have been nice enough to do it for me and I appreciate it. She then asked to be facebook friends, but after some thought I wrote a note saying that I didn’t understand why she wanted to be friends on FB without having spoken about anything and that being friends with ex’s is tricky. I said I was willing to chat and would not be friends before that as our breakup was not friendly.
Her response was to say she “understands, keep well”, but why would she want to chat then?
I feel that we have incorrect perceptions of each other because our relationship broke down due to both of us having slight depression and there not being any communication. I didn’t even realize I was slightly depressed until after the breakup. She had bigger issues that I only found out about when we broke up (bad relationship with her father). She did apologise for not telling me anything and shutting me out, but said she was feeling better since the breakup. I feel that we are quite compatible since we share similar interests and are similar types of people, the main difference being that she is a bit louder than I am. She disagrees that we were a good couple. Her older sister thought that I was good for her, which added to my grief at our breakup and why she couldn’t see how good we were.
I have a new girlfriend who I like very much (not quite love) and I feel that this lingering issue with my ex is getting in our way.
My main gripe is that feeling of abandonment that came with the breakup. Our relationship had strong emotions, all heart but our heads weren’t in it. She also made a comment about my financial position (I come from more lower-middle class, she is very wealthy) and why I didn’t have certain things (mainly a car). This made me see her as pretentious and materialistic without compassion for my position. I have worked very hard for all I achieved in life (including my degree) and she doesn’t seem to acknowledge that it is not so simple to just “work hard and get it” (her words).
I would like to write to her to say we should chat so that I can tell her all of these (extensive) things and get some final closure. She has a boyfriend as well and I don’t think she even has a thought about me. It’s like I was a little (8 month) mistake.
Should I get in touch and chat to her to get final closure? Am I just being neurotic? Do I just forget it all and try carry on?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Don’t try any more to get back in touch. You broke up, and you have a new girlfriend. She has a new boyfriend. Stop focusing your energy on the past, and look forward. If you keep mucking with the past and trying to be in touch when she’s clearly given you a no go by finally writing, “Keep well,” you’re going to create drama that is derivative and unnecessary.

As for your conflicted and unresolved feelings about the relationship that ended, allow yourself whatever time it takes to process those feelings without letting them keep you from having a normal, healthy relationship with your new girlfriend. Lots of people process their feelings about a break up or a divorce or a fight with a family member over the course of years or even a lifetime — without benefit of the other person’s input for a variety of reasons like the other person’s disinterest, death, or other boundaries. That makes the job of processing your feelings your sole responsibility.

Final closure comes in different ways for different people. Sometimes a person has an epiphany years later about why something didn’t work out — because of what they are only in that moment able to realize. There are things you don’t know about yourself right now, that you will know in the future, that will allow you to understand your past. So ease up on yourself, don’t try to be friends with an ex who’s moving on, and be grateful for the nice relationship you have now. The future is beckoning you! 🙂

[Member]

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