[Anonymous]

I am a 39 year old female. I have been married to the same man now for 20 years (yes, we married young). There is 32 year old male coworker that is practically my best friend. We have known each other for over a year now and we are almost inseparable! We talk on the phone, have lunch together, and talk after work. The conversations we have are very deep and intense, and they are not about sex all the time. About two months ago our “friendship” turned into heavy flirting. I mean the sexual tension was to high that we couldn’t stand to be around each other. We eventually ended up sleeping together one day after work. The sex was great and we both enjoyed it! The next day at work, we carried on with our day as usual- we laughed and talked about different things, but later that afternoon, he told me that he felt really bad about sleeping with me because I was married and that it couldn’t happen again. I was devasted because at this point I felt like it was all part of his plan to get me in bed. I told him how I felt, but he assured me and reassured me that that was not the case. He said that he knows that we could never have a relationship becuase I’m married and that he didn’t want to lose me as a friend. Well I sucked it up, agreed with him, and carried on with our “platonic friendship” but since then it seems as though he is more clingy than ever! He constantly calls my extention throughout the day, he comes by my desk and purposely hits the wall in passing as if he’s trying to get my attention, he insists that I go outside with him on his smoke breaks to talk (even though I don’t smoke). He has let on that if I wasn’t married, that I would be the one he would be pursuing. I must admit, I kind of like the attention, but I’m not sure if this is still part of our friendship or if he truly has some deep feelings that go beyond that. Any thoughts?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Oh, dear — you’re way beyond friends! 😆 Sleeping with a man changes the relationship.

It’s wrong of you to blame [b]him[/b] for trying to get you into bed, doing so, and then not wanting to do it again because you’re married. 🙁 You were a willing participant and you really shouldn’t blame him because things aren’t going exactly the way you want. Now, he’s in a bind because he definitely has feelings for you that are more than just friendship feelings, but he doesn’t want to get hurt by creating drama in your marriage or by putting himself into a romantic and sexual relationship with you that he feels will be a dead end at worst and a socially challenging relationship at best.

I hope that helps clarify his feelings and behavior for you. 🙂 Please join me on Facebook — I’d love to have you request free membership on AskApril.com on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 🙂

[Anonymous]

Thanks for your insight on his behavior. 🙂

This “other” relationship has been emotionally stressful for me because I am really into this guy and I feel he’s into me but sometimes I can never figure out from one day to the next if he’ll treat me like a best friend, his lover, or if he’ll give me the cold shoulder. We’ve never really spend any time with each other outside of work but we talk on the phone occassionally. I’m really thinking I should trash this frienship/relationship altogether.

One thing I did fail to mention – my relationship with my husband has not been all that great for the past few years, but because of family obligations and children we try to maintain a cordial relationship.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for your insight on his behavior. 🙂

This “other” relationship has been emotionally stressful for me because I am really into this guy and I feel he’s into me but sometimes I can never figure out from one day to the next if he’ll treat me like a best friend, his lover, or if he’ll give me the cold shoulder. We’ve never really spend any time with each other outside of work but we talk on the phone occassionally. I’m really thinking I should trash this frienship/relationship altogether.

One thing I did fail to mention – my relationship with my husband has not been all that great for the past few years, but because of family obligations and children we try to maintain a cordial relationship.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I understand your position, and you’ll see that other posters on this forum come to me with the same problem. Long term marriage isn’t that great, so they look elsewhere for attention, but then become confused because that extra-curricular relationship isn’t going in the same way an uncomplicated one would take. You’re not alone! 😆

Until you take a clear position you’re going to continue to suffer confusion. Your boyfriend is giving you all different kinds of signals and you’re never clear what they’re going to be because he doesn’t have a clear path to pursue you the way he wants to. He can’t have all of you because you’re taken, and he doesn’t [i]really[/i] want the drama that comes with having only part of you.

You’ve given up on your marriage, but you still want male attention that is romantic and sexual — but you’ve painted yourself into a corner. It’s that simple.

My advice is work very hard on your marriage. Clearly you like your husband enough to stay with him for the sake of the children. That’s a big hats off to the relationship. You respect him, yourself and your family enough to keep it together (as much as you have). You’ve lost the romance and sex with your husband, and getting it back requires work that most people in long term relationships have to do. What would it be like for you if you treated your husband like your lover instead of your “partner”? What if you arranged hotel trysts or weekends (you must know a babysitter!)?

What if you started doing sexy things for your husband and spiced things up so that there was more in your marriage for you and for him than what you have now? I’ve written a book called Romantic Date Ideas to put the X back your sex life that has faltered. You’ll get all kinds of ideas to spice up your love life in the bedroom and out. Try it. The book is only $14.95 and that’s a very cheap price for possibly making your life exponentially better. Here’s the link to buy the book now (it’s an automatic download and easy to read): [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/romantic-date-ideas.html[/url].

Let me know how it goes and what you do. And join me on Facebook — I’d love to have you there, too. Here’s that link for AskApril.com on Facebook: [url][/url]. 😀

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