[Shaina77]

My husband and I hit a rough spot about 2 years ago and he chose to pursue another option while still being with me. Three weeks ago, I finally heard the truth. We have since started counseling and working through things. I’m not sure what the future holds and if our marriage will last, but we are trying.

We live in a rural area where everyone knows everyone and I’m from the city. I get along well with everyone but the dynamics of a small town are different. Before I knew what was going on, she was coming to all of the family events, holidays and going out drinking with his family and friends. She is aware that I know the truth now, yet is still coming to everything and being invited through my husband’s brother. I told him that I respect that he wants to continue to be friends with her but he should be remaining neutral and it’s inappropriate for her to be there. His brother and I have always had a great relationship before now.

My husband also talked to his brother but this still continues to be an issue. It’s also alarming she would want to be there. She is innocent and sweet in front of everyone but is nasty to me when no one else is looking and no one believes she would ever be that way. (ie – flicking me off, smiling and winking at me) What is a healthy way someone is supposed to handle these situations? My concern about saying something to her directly again is that small towns have a way of twisting what you say or do. And how am I supposed to heal if this is constantly an issue?

[AskApril Masini]

I can’t tell from your post if he is still with his mistress or if it’s over, but the real issue here is between you and your husband — not her.

I’m not sure what the rough patch in your 10 marriage was about, or if it’s worked through or not, but the two of you have to decide if you’re going to stay together or not and how. That he’s having his mistress (current or ex) at these family events is not a sign that he values your marriage. In fact, it’s a red flag to you that he’s going to keep his mistress in his life and that your feelings about that relationship are less important than his having there.

The big question is whether you’re okay with this or not. If you are, then try to focus on things with the two of you. Understand that his brother is not supportive of your marriage. If you are not okay with this, then you have an option to leave the marriage. He would have to be pretty dense to know that this is insulting and disrespectful to you, so I think the ball is really in your court. I’m sorry you’re going through this, but it’s time for some tough decisions.

[Sally]

This is one of those situations where the cheating doesn’t stop hurting just because it’s out in the open. What makes it worse is that you’re being forced to smile through it in public while it keeps stabbing you in private. That’s not fair, and it’s not healthy.

In a normal world, she wouldn’t be anywhere near family events right now. Not because you’re petty, but because healing needs space. The fact that she still wants to be there and acts sweet in front of others while being cruel to you says more about her than it does about you.

Here’s the hard part: you can’t control the town, or his brother, or her behavior. What you can do is set clear limits for yourself. If your husband truly wants to repair the marriage, protecting you from this situation should be part of that work. If he can’t or won’t do that, counseling needs to focus on why.

You’re not overreacting. You’re trying to survive something painful in a place that doesn’t give you privacy to heal. And that’s a real weight to carry.

[Lune David]

This is one of those situations where “small town manners” are being used to cover big disrespect. You’re not being dramatic for struggling to heal while the reminder of the betrayal is being seated at the dinner table like a plus-one. That’s not neutrality — that’s avoidance dressed up as politeness.

It’s also… bold, to put it mildly, for her to keep showing up and then play innocent in public while behaving differently in private. That kind of behavior thrives in environments where no one wants to “rock the boat.”

But April is right about one thing: the real issue isn’t her — it’s the fact that your husband hasn’t created a safe, united front for you while asking you to heal. Healing can’t happen when the wound keeps getting poked at family gatherings.

You’re not asking for control, revenge, or drama. You’re asking for basic respect while you decide whether this marriage can survive. If the people around you can’t support that, then the clarity you’re getting — painful as it is — may be exactly what you need.

[Tara]

It’s insane. Your husband didn’t just cheat; he let the other woman integrate herself into your shared social world, your family space, your holidays. That’s not an “affair.” That’s a parallel relationship. And now, instead of shutting that door himself, he’s letting his brother keep it propped open while you’re expected to be gracious, patient, and quiet. That’s cowardice on his part, full stop.

There is no such thing as “remaining neutral” when someone helped damage your marriage. Neutrality here means siding against you. If your husband were actually serious about reconciliation, this woman would be gone from every shared space immediately. No debates. No excuses. No “small-town dynamics.” Healing does not coexist with constant psychological re-injury.

And her behavior? The smiling, the innocence, the private hostility? That’s not sweetness, that’s dominance. She’s marking territory and enjoying the fact that you look like the “problem” if you react. She knows exactly what she’s doing, and she’s getting away with it because everyone else is more comfortable doubting you than confronting the truth.

Stop worrying about how the town will twist things. They already are. Small towns don’t reward silence; they consume it. The longer you tolerate this, the more you normalize your own erasure.

Your husband sets an absolute boundary with his brother, or you stop pretending reconciliation is happening. No marriage recovery plan on earth includes continued access to the affair partner. None. Counseling means nothing if he won’t protect you in real life.

[Member]

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