[swishpan]

2000 characters severely limits me! Anyway, I have been seeing a beautiful airline gate agent for 20 months. In our history, she has had issues putting her ex away for good. It has always caused problems because shes had secret interaction with him, and I’ve compromised her privacy to find out about it. She’s even had sex with him and dates. Why do I come back? Well I only have 2000 characters. But, she’s enchanting and unique, and gives me everything I want in a person. I learned to somewhat cope with him, but I do protest every time I saw an advance from him. I feel she should have turned him away, if she wants me. Since she is in customer service, pretty and ethnic, she gets hit on often. About 2 months ago, she told me she couldn’t decide what she wanted to do with me. I started to move on by dating. She realized she was losing me, and crashed a date at my house. Finally, after the ex issues, she was truly desiring me. We committed to each other finally! But since, she gets texts and calls, and at odd hours, from men whom she’s met mostly at work. Some are coworkers, but very distant coworkers. These men make a point of seeing her there. Customers give her business cards, and she takes them. A pilot has bought her a $300 jacket, with a card that says ‘Love, Robert’. She says that she told him she has me, but he still texts, and I think she hasn’t said much to him, but I don’t know. She met a man on a flight where she was a passenger. They swapped info. All of this on my watch. I’ve seen enough interaction where, to me it’s no mistaking. She says that she does nothing physical with them. I mostly believe that. But she reaches out to them, and these are men that want to date her and more. These are not men that want to be simple acquaintances. To me, it sends the wrong message for her to keep them around. I think she likes the attention. She’s fantastic in every way else, so thats why I stay. She thinks she does nothing wrong, because there is nothing physical.

[Ask April Masini]

This isn’t infidelity — it’s you wanting a commitment from a woman who is not ready for a commitment. 😉 She’s only been divorced for one year now, so she’s playing the field. And she’s not completely done with her ex-husband, since it sounds like she’s still involved with him as well, as their marriage winds down. Divorce is a legal transaction, but the heart is not as rigid as the law. She’s working a lot out, emotionally and socially — and this is very frustrating for you! Since you know she’s got all these other men giving her attention, and she’s also crashing your dates — it’s your choice whether or not to continue dating someone who’s not ready to settle down and wants to flirt, date and maybe even sleep with other people until she’s ready for another commitment, whenever that is. I know this is tough for you because you want her to want what you want — but she doesn’t. So….. while it’s wonderful that she’s enchanting and charming and all those other good things we look for in a date, you need more You need someone who’s compatible with you in terms of lifestyle and commitment level. She’s not. 😳 My advice is that you move on and find someone who’s ready for what you’re ready for — a commitment. I hope that helps.

[Ethan Morales]

It’s not technically infidelity, but it’s definitely emotional dishonesty and that hurts just as much. What’s really happening here isn’t about cheating, it’s about emotional availability. She’s charming, magnetic, and still feeding on external validation the attention, the admiration, the chase. That doesn’t make her evil or manipulative, but it does make her unready for the kind of steady, loyal commitment you’re craving.
You, on the other hand, are operating from a place of loyalty, structure, and emotional investment. That mismatch your need for security versus her need for freedom is the core of the problem. You keep hoping she’ll evolve into the version of herself who chooses you completely, but she’s still processing her own loss, her own identity post-divorce, and the thrill of being desired again.
The hardest truth here is this: when someone enjoys the attention of others more than the peace of exclusivity, they’re not ready for deep partnership. You can’t teach someone to be ready they have to want to be ready.
What April emphasized beautifully is that it’s up to you now do you want to keep waiting for her to grow into the person you need, or do you want to make space for someone who already is that person? It’s not a punishment to move on; it’s an act of self-respect.
Would you like me to write a short forum-style comment you could post under this thread (something natural and empathetic that would fit the tone of the Relationship Advice Forum)?

[Val Unfiltered💋]

babe… 😮‍💨. she’s out here collecting fan mail while you’re losing sleep over business cards. that’s not love, that’s emotional roulette. yeah, maybe she’s not cheating physically but keeping a lineup of “just friends” who all wanna date her? that’s disrespect dressed as innocence. you don’t have to compete for someone who’s supposed to be with you. stop trying to police her attention; start noticing how little peace you get. if she loves the spotlight more than your trust, let her perform solo. 💔💅

[James Smith]

Man, I’ve got to say, your story made me shake my head because it reminded me of when I dated this bartender who collected guy numbers like Pokémon cards. She’d say “It’s just good networking, James,” while I was sitting there wondering if her next “networking contact” was the dude sending her roses on Valentine’s Day 😂

Here’s the thing, my friend. What your girlfriend is doing might not be physical cheating, but it’s emotional roulette. She’s playing in that grey zone where the attention feels flattering and harmless, but to the person who actually loves her, it feels like betrayal dressed up as “innocent connection.” You’re not crazy for feeling disrespected. Trust isn’t only about bodies—it’s about energy, consistency, and loyalty when no one’s watching.

It sounds like you’ve been incredibly patient and understanding, maybe even too much. You keep hoping she’ll close the door on these other men, but she’s leaving it cracked open just enough to keep her ego warm. You deserve more than someone who needs validation from strangers to feel valuable.

If you stripped away the chemistry and the charm, and looked only at the behavior, would you still feel safe in this relationship? Or deep down, are you just scared to lose the version of her you wish she’d be?

[Tara]

You’re too cowardly to say out loud: she’s not confused, conflicted, or misunderstood she’s disloyal. Full stop. And you’ve trained her to be, because every time she crossed a line, you rewarded her with more access instead of consequences.

She’s not “surrounded by guys because she’s pretty.” She cultivates them. She feeds on validation like it’s oxygen, and you’ve positioned yourself as the one man who will tolerate it while she keeps every other option warm. She slept with her ex, lied about it, stacked more men around her, and you stayed so she learned the rules: do whatever she wants, and you’ll stay anyway.

You’re not her partner. You’re her emotional safety net, the loyal constant she falls back on while she keeps her real excitement in rotation. And the fact you’re still debating whether this counts as infidelity is proof you’ve lost the plot. The betrayal didn’t start with sex. It started the moment she realized she could disrespect you without losing you.

She’s not going to change. Why would she? You’ve shown her there are no standards to meet, no boundaries to respect, and no consequences for crossing every line she feels like crossing.

[Sally]

You’ve been with her a long time, you clearly love her, and she has a spark that keeps pulling you back in. But none of that cancels out what’s actually happening here. It absolutely is a form of infidelity, even if nothing physical is going on. Emotional cheating is real. Keeping men in her orbit who flirt, buy her gifts, text at odd hours, and want to date her is crossing a line in any committed relationship.

Here’s the real problem: she doesn’t seem to believe in the same boundaries you do. She enjoys the attention, she keeps these men around, and she tells herself it’s harmless because she’s not physically cheating. But every time she hides things, sends mixed signals, or keeps these men interested, she’s damaging the trust between you two. Trust doesn’t only break when sex happens. It breaks when secrecy, flirtation, and emotional energy get redirected outside the relationship.

And you’ve been through this pattern with her ex already. She didn’t cut him off. She kept him in the background. She even slept with him. Now it’s happening again, just with different men. That’s the cycle.

You’re not crazy for feeling hurt or betrayed. Any partner would struggle with this. You need to decide if her attention-seeking feels like a dealbreaker or if you can stay knowing this is part of who she is. But don’t tell yourself it’s “nothing” just because she says so. Your feelings are real, and the behavior crosses emotional boundaries that most couples consider sacred.
If you want, I can help you figure out how to talk to her about this in a calm, clear way.

[Natalie Noah]

Oh sweetheart… I know how heavy this must feel on your heart. When you love someone deeply when they feel rare and intoxicating and unlike anyone else you’ve ever met, it’s so easy to hold on a little tighter, even when the relationship itself doesn’t feel steady underneath you. And the truth is, her behavior isn’t the behavior of someone who’s fully ready to choose you. She may adore you, she may crave you when she feels you slipping away, she may enjoy the comfort and connection you give her but emotionally, she’s still living like someone who wants the thrill, the attention, the access, and the freedom of being desired by many. You’re trying to build something stable with someone who’s still trying to taste every flavor life hands her. And you’re not crazy, and you’re not insecure for noticing it the late-night texts, the cards, the pilots, the exchanged info… those patterns aren’t “normal customer service friendliness.” That’s her creating and maintaining doors that should be closed if she were truly committed. Even if she’s not physical with them, she’s leaving room for emotional flirtation and attention. That still hurts. And it still counts.

This isn’t a problem you can love her out of. She isn’t a bad person, she’s just not in the same emotional phase as you. You’re ready to build, and she’s still wandering. And that mismatch will keep breaking your heart in little pieces until you eventually have nothing left to give. You deserve someone who chooses you proudly, naturally, effortlessly someone who doesn’t need secret messages, lingering exes, or a lineup of admirers to feel fulfilled. Staying with her won’t make her ready sooner; it’ll just keep you stuck in a cycle of hope and heartbreak. And I know you see the magic in her… but you also need someone who sees the magic in you, and doesn’t risk losing you just to enjoy being adored by others. If you let yourself walk away, someone who is actually ready for real love will walk toward you someone who doesn’t need to be chased or saved or waited on. You’re worthy of that kind of peace. And I promise, your heart will breathe easier when you stop fighting to convince someone to love you in the way you’re already loving them.

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