[Anonymous]

Short version is that I was madly in love with a man. He thought I was just okay. We had a couple unplanned children. I gave him an ultimatum…marriage or I was out. He reluctantly married me. Probably one of the happiest moments of my life while one of the saddest of his. He couldn’t forgive me for forcing him to marry me and shortly thereafter I realized that I couldn’t love him enough for both of us. We divorced, but have always remained civil for the kids. I have been remarried for 7 years. I currently lead what appears to be a perfect life. However, my husband is cold and demanding. He isn’t very nice to me, and he is especially not nice to his step children. Our marriage isn’t great at all. We have an autistic child that he can’t cope with. Most of all, I have never been madly in love with him like I am/was with my ex.

Anyway, due to a death in my ex’s family I spent quite a bit of time comforting his family and our children. I was with him and his family at the hospital when the family member died then to the calling hours and funeral (by invitation from him and his family). Anyway, since that time a few months ago I just can’t stop thinking about how much I want to be with him again. We have both changed and grown up a lot. Now seem like a perfect match for each other. He is even great with my autistic son from my 2nd marriage.

I texted him this morning and said that I was glad we were friends and that I enjoyed seeing him last night (we went to event at school for one of our children together) and told him it was his turn to say something nice. He replied, “We get along great. In many ways I feel closer to you than ever. I would do anything for you. I am not sure what you want me to say.” I replied that what he said was perfect and I felt the same way. We both said we were glad the other one felt the same was we did.

Obviously I am having an emotional affair, but not a physical one at all. I just don’t know what to do. I feel trapped. I don’t ‘want to put my kids through another divorce. In my current marriage we have a beautiful home and new cars with all the bills that go along with having these things. I couldn’t afford to live alone.

I just don’t know what to do.

[Ask April Masini]

The problem is not your ex or your feelings for him. Your problem is your marriage. If things were better in your marriage you wouldn’t be looking for escape hatches. Because you have some problems in your marriage (which many people do at some point along the way), you’re looking for an easy out. Unfortunately, your ex-husband is not that easy out and you’re fantasizing more than paying attention to reality. The reality is that your ex-husband didn’t want to marry you, and when he did, because you had two unplanned children together and you’d given him an ultimatum, he blamed you for his own actions and backed out of his commitment. That’s not Mr. Right behavior. And you’re doing the same thing you did back then — you’re fishing for compliments with him and working really hard to elicit feelings from him that probably aren’t even there. He’s able to be close to you now because you’re not available. Trust me — if you were single tomorrow, your ex-husband would not want to marry you. So let go of that fantasy and look around you instead.

You need to work on your marriage at hand. You say the problem is that your husband is cold, demanding, not very nice to your step children and you’re not “madly in love” with him like you were with the guy who abandoned you (face it — you loved a guy who didn’t do right by you, so you need to re-examine your own idea of what love is). My guess is that your husband doesn’t feel loved and valued by you. I bet you don’t make the bedroom fabulous for him, and you are demanding of him, in his eyes. Does your ex-husband pay child support? Does he have any custody of your children? Because if the answer is no, your current husband is resentful (rightly so) and you need to take care of business in terms of collecting child support and getting your ex-husband to take your children every other weekend so they can get to know their father and you can have some time with your husband.

The autistic child you have is a big burden on any marriage, and you have to make sure you nourish your marriage at the same time you’re caring for you autistic child.

I’ve got a great book for you that will help spice up things in your bedroom — which I have a feeling will help your marriage enormously. It’s called Romantic Date Ideas, and it’s got great date advice for married and committed couples who’ve let their sex lives fizzle. You can download it for $14.95 at this link: [url]http://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/romantic-date-ideas.html[/url]. I hope that this helps you — please let me know how things go.

And consider becoming a free member of my newly forming Facebook Group, AskApril.com on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 😀

[Anonymous]

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April, I think you are 100% correct about my ex.

I probably should never have married my current husband. He was madly in love with me and after years of feeling unloved, I made a conscious decision that being loved is more important than loving. While I was content with that for awhile, I absolutely long for the butterflies and all that comes with love.

We are very different people from different religions, socio-economic backgrounds, birth order, etc. and I truly am just not happy. I can’t stand the way he yells at the kids constantly and puts down my job, salary, religion, etc. I can’t stand the way he seems to pick fights with me. He is verbally aggressive (never physically). He is an only child and still is spoiled rotten though he is 40 years old! We have an amazing sex life though. He is a very generous lover for sure. He makes a six figure salary (quite different from his very poor family and my middle class family). As I said, I lead an apparently perfect life, but long for the “spark.”

I have never been unfaithful, but have seriously considered seeking the “spark” outside of my marriage. It seems that could keep my seeminly perfect life intact while obtain the butterflies I long for.

I am so confused. I really wish my first husband had just loved me enough to make things work!

[Ask April Masini]

It really sounds like there is a lot that is right in your marriage and family and very little that is wrong. If you and your husband have a great sex life and are faithful to each other, and he is a good provider for you, your children from a former relationship and your autistic child from this marriage, you have to understand that your marriage of seven years is JUST going through a bump.

Talk to your husband about how he treats his stepchildren and how he talks to you and ask him if he’d be willing to consider being kinder to you and the kids. Show him that you appreciate all that he has done for you and is doing for you and all that is right in your seven year marriage — [i]while[/i] working on the things that need working on. Take the high road and don’t blame, judge or put him on the defensive. 😉

You didn’t answer my questions about whether or not your ex shares custody of your two children together and pays child support. If he isn’t doing those things, your husband has every right to be upset with you and my guess is that he’s re-channeling some of that anger towards you and the kids that he is step-parenting. It’s not right, but you have to understand rather than judge. The bottom line is YOU need to make sure your ex sees your children at least every other weekend and one night a week and pays child support. This is what is right for your kids and your family — blended, extended and otherwise.

Your marriage missing a spark after seven years is not unusual, and it shouldn’t be the reason to end it or cheat. You’re looking for excuses to walk out on your husband, and you’re not coming up with anything worthy of a divorce or a betrayal. Different socio-economic backgrounds between you and your husband doesn’t cut it — especially after seven years. His being an only child and your coming from a bigger family doesn’t cut it. Different religious backgrounds doesn’t cut it, either. It’s not fair to your three children, the men in your life or even to you to flit around making commitments and not honoring them as if you’re a teenager. It’s time to grow up, roll up your sleeves and do the work that you and your family deserve from you. Sacrifice and mature love are on the horizon — as well as your continued great sex life with a generous lover in your husband. Don’t throw that away.

[Anonymous]

Thanks April.

My ex does pay child support, takes the children almost every weekend to stay at his house and at least one evening per week. He buys them tons without expecting any reimbursement and still pays 1/2 off any expenses we incur in addition to the monthly payment. If anything, I think my husband is jealous. He wants to dislike this man, but there isn’t anything to dislike. He is wonderful with our daughters and even my autistic son. I think this contributes to me not being able to get over him. We talk everyday about the kids and I see him several times per week during pick ups and drop offs. I can’t just walk away, grieve, and move on. He is very much a part of my everyday life.

Since I last posted, my ex has told me that he loves me and always will. During a routine conversation, he said that he still had feelings for me, I said that I still loved him, he then admitted that he still loves me. We both wished we had worked harder on our marriage and both think we would make a great couple now (10 years later). However, we agree that we should not pursue a relationship since I am married. I love him so much that my heart aches.

I have been trying to hold hands with my husband, kiss him often, initiate sex nightly, etc. to try to revive the spark, but it hasn’t happened. Here is just one example of the bad: Two work associates called my home today. My husband hung up on one of them and yelled at another. I am a professional! Though he was annoyed that we were bothered on a holiday weekend, this behavior is not appropriate and will impact my reputation! When I told him the reports of rudeness I received from my supervisor, he threatened to call the involved parties and “show them what rudeness really sounds like.” He takes an antidepressant, but hasn’t been to the doctor for follow up in several months. I really think he needs some medication adjustment! He acts like the world owes him something and doesn’t obtain any pleasure from helping others unless he personally gains. This is 100% opposite my ex and I.

Anyway, I know you are right. I need to work on my current marriage or in 10 years I could be in this same situation…missing him!

Thanks for all your help and I would appreciate any insight you can give my regarding my husband’s attitude. It isn’t new, but seems to worsen the older and more successful he becomes.

[Ask April Masini]

The more you fill in the blanks, the easier it is for me and other readers to see that your relationship with your ex-husband, is crossing a line with you emotionally — and you’re crossing it, too.

Since you’re married and committed and have a husband who is not just the father to your son, but the step-father to your children from your prior relationship, you need to invest more in your current relationship and in yourself, because [i]you[/i] are where any good relationship starts.

You have to stop professing your love to your ex and stop talking about the relationship you had with him that didn’t work out since you’re seven years married to your current husband. You also have to realize that when your ex professes his love to you, he’s disrespecting your marriage, your husband and you. 😳 So you need to put a stop to that, too. If your ex can’t control himself, then you need to limit your communication with him. This is part of your work towards your marriage.

As for your current husband, you need to work on the relationship you have with him. I guarantee you that he knows you love your ex more than him, and that is going to make any guy’s blood boil. You have to find a way to commit to this relationship as more than a default. At the same time, work on communicating better, taking the high road, and asking for what you want, while giving one hundred and ten percent.

But pick one side of the fence to come down on because you can’t ride in the middle of the road forever — it’s clearly not working being married to one man, and loving another.

I hope that helps.

And don’t forget to become a FREE member of my AskApril.com Facebook page at this link: [url][/url]

[Anonymous]

Update:
Since your reply I stopped flirting with my ex and we have really had the typical ex-relationship. We talk only occasionally and only about the children. No more professing our love for each other (he is a distant type so he really only did it that one time).

I think it appears things are better with my husband, less fighting, less of his constant criticism of everything I do. In truth though, I still don’t love him. I love our material things, I love that he loves me, I don’t love him. I do passionately love my ex. I know a future with my ex would not work out…we wouldn’t have the material things, I know he could never love me like my husband or if he did could never show it. Basically, you are right I am much better off in my current marriage.

I don’t know how to fall out of love with the ex and in love with the husband. Help! I am a mature, professional woman, I shouldn’t be struggling with these teenage problems!

[Ask April Masini]

First of all, mature, professional women STILL need relationship help. I get questions from men and women with advanced academic degrees who are lost in love — so don’t give yourself a hard time for needing my help! 😆

Next, ask yourself how you can love a man who doesn’t want you? Because that’s what you’re doing with your ex-husband. Would you counsel your children to continue to love someone who doesn’t stand by them? Give yourself the same advice and perspective. Mature love has respect as a backbone. Your ex husband has many good qualities, but he left you and he isn’t interested in marrying you now. You can love him because of what you had, but to be “in love” with him now is to be in love with a fantasy. He isn’t Mr. Right. 😳

As for your husband, again, I think you have to open your heart to him more than you have. He may seem cold and distant, but he wasn’t when you married him, and I suspect something changed between the two of you along the way. This isn’t something that happened JUST to him or JUST to you.

Having an autistic child puts your marriage at high risk for divorce, but that doesn’t mean it will happen, and it does mean that if you’re careful and tend your marriage, you can get through this rough time. Your husband may have feelings about your autistic child together that he isn’t expressing, and I’d invite you to draw him out all the while extending what warmth and affection you can. Understanding is going to be the bridge you have to cross in this marriage, as well as letting go of a past that doesn’t exist.

I hope that helps. And I hope to see you over on Facebook, too, at this link: [url][/url].

[Anonymous]

As you requested, I added my update to the previous post…

Hi April. I wrote to you a couple months ago and you had great advice for me dealing with the difficulties in my marriage and lingering feelings for my ex.

I have taken your advice and minimized contact with my ex (we only talk or see each other when it is necessary for our children). I have openly discussed with my husband the issues I felt we had in our marriage (but haven’t brought up my feelings for my ex).

My husband has really stepped up to the plate and has worked incredibly hard to “fix” any and all issues. He truly is the perfect husband and I am leading a perfect life.

The problem is, I don’t appreciate any of it! I still dream of this perfect life, but with my ex in my husband’s place. I know my ex would never compare to my husband. He would never have put a fraction of the effort into our relationship that my husband has. We wouldn’t have this big, beautiful house, money in the bank, more love than I could ever need, etc. I would never be his number one-our children, his family, his friends were/are more important to him than any woman. Yet, I still love him, want him, think of him during sex, etc after all this time. It doesn’t make any sense. I am beginning to wonder if something is wrong with me 🙁

About a year ago, when I complained that I was unhappy in my marriage, but for no obvious reasons my doctor prescribed me a decent dose of antidepressants. I take them as prescribed, but it doesn’t fix the lack of love/contentment in my marriage. I don’t think I ever loved my husband. I married him for the wrong reasons (he was a rebound relationship during my divorce and he loved me sooooo much-something I really needed after feeling unloved by my ex). I don’t want a divorce. I don’t want a reconciliation with my ex (well I do, but I know it would not work out). I want to find a way to be happy with what I have. Is this just human nature to always want more/the grass is always greener or am I just really messed up?

Help!!!

[Ask April Masini]

I think you’re doing a lot right, but I’m not sure you have the tools to be happy in life. Usually this has to do with some deep seeded childhood problem in your family of origin and if you feel you can analyze what happened in your childhood that doesn’t allow you to be happy in relationships, you may be able to recognize, understand and heal this old wound so that you can move on and appreciate the people in your life who are kind and loving and respectful of you.

There are people who chase drama and discord in their relationships (both romantic and otherwise), and it’s a tremendous amount of work for them to figure out and how to get out of this dysfunctional pattern and then to do it — but it can be done.

If you don’t want to do that work, then you can try and understand that when you have children you have to sacrifice and put them first because they can’t do for themselves — and if staying in this marriage where so much is good — is the sacrifice you make for your children until they are of age, then make that your motivation.

You can also try to surround yourself with those who have so much less than you — and I don’t mean money. I mean volunteering for the homeless, those affected by natural disasters, veterans who serve in the military and need support when they re-enter their former worlds, people who have cancer or other serious illnesses. When you see the bigger picture that life has to offer, you may understand that the life you have now is not so bad and that you do have reason to be happy and peaceful.

I hope this helps. I wish you luck — and check in and let me know how things are doing.

Also, please join me on AskApril.com on Facebook. I’d love to have you as a free member there. Here’s that link: [url][/url].

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