Oh Derek, that question, safe or real, is one I think most of us wrestle with even if we don’t admit it. You sound like a man who’s been trying to make love make sense, to trace the logic of something that’s anything but logical. I get it. I used to think love was about stability too, a kind of calm, predictable rhythm that meant things were right. Then one day, I woke up and realized I’d built a life so steady, I’d forgotten how to feel.
Here’s what I’ve learned the hard way: safety and aliveness aren’t opposites. They only become that way when we build safety out of fear instead of trust. Your ex gave you a version of love that made sense on paper. The new woman? She challenges your edges, and that’s uncomfortable, but it’s also where your heart starts to breathe again.
The real version of you isn’t either-or. It’s the man who wants to feel steady and alive, the one who’s brave enough to stop “debugging” love like a broken code and start living it as a messy, unpredictable experience.
If you can find someone who makes you feel both grounded and curious, not safe because it’s familiar but safe because you can be fully seen, that’s where real love begins.
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