[Binderkang]

i am engaged and its an arranged marriage. So basically my parents found a guy that i have no problem with. But the thing is that i have a boyfriend, who i love very much and he loves me too. About a year ago i had left my house because of a similar situation. My parents had chosen a guy for me about 3 years ago, and i was suppose to get married this February to him. But i had left my house last September. Then I was with my boyfriend too. My boyfriend and i have been going out for over a year and half. So last September i had left my house. In the end of February i had actually tried to commit suicide. So my parents found out and brought me back home. My parents had found out about my boyfriend. They stopped me from meeting him. I had lied and told them that I had broken up wit my boyfriend. I knew my parents weren’t gonna let me see him. So i lied to them saying I broke up with my boyfriend. So in may they sent me out of state to recover from everything that had happened. Its been 8 months since everything has happened. I have came back home like about a month ago. I was sent back to my home country for about 4 months. They tried wanted me to choose a guy that i can get married to. But I didn’t choose any. So since I wasn’t choosing a guy my dad had decided to come and make me choose a guy. Since I was in a country where there are no rules such as over 18 laws and stuff. I had to just say yes to a guy that my dad had chosen. So I got engaged. Now everybody thinks I don’t meet my boyfriend. But he had waited for me 7 months. He loves me even more. I love him. My parents have fixed the wedding on January 20th. I don’t know what to do. Should I leave again?? I really need help.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

How old are you?

[Binderkang]

I am 22 years old. I know its an legal age. But Im from a family who really doesn’t let me have my own freedom.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Thank you for the extra information. 😀

You’re twenty-two years old, and you’re running away from your problems. I’m very sorry you tried to commit suicide, and I hope that you can understand that these are not problems worth taking your life over. Suicide is very serious and if you feel any suicidal tendencies, you should immediately get appropriate help by calling your local hospital or police station.

But short of that, I hope you’ll start being honest with yourself and others around you. Lying to your parents about your boyfriend is just complicating things and making them worse for you. You’re avoiding the truth. You need to tell your parents what’s going on and what you do and do not want.

Also, you’re not a victim. I know you come from a traditional family where arranged marriages are normal, but you clearly know that that lifestyle is not your only choice. Because you’re a legal adult, you have the choice to live your own life the way you want. Yes, you will disappoint people who don’t agree with you, but that’s part of growing up and gaining maturity — doing the right thing in spite of how others feel.

So start telling the truth today — to yourself, your fiance, your parents and your boyfriend. Then break the engagement that you don’t want to have, and decide if you are going to continue living with your parents or if you are going to move out and live on your own, and if so, where and how. 😉 You’ll feel a lot better about life and yourself once you do this.

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[Binderkang]

Yes, I maybe running away from my problems, but that’s all I can do. Suicide was the only option that I had that time. Everyone was stressing out because of me. I just didn’t know how to handle everything then. Well for as of now I have passed all the killing myself thing and actually want to do live my life.

I cant be honest to my parents, because if my parents find out that i have been seeing my boyfriend, we are not going to have a talk. It is going to get violent. I am real scared even now just thinking that if my dad does find out that i still see my boyfriend. He is going to beat me. Just because I had ran away from the house they think I have dishonored the family’s name. My dad has tried to file complaints on my boyfriend before. I don’t want any of that to happen again. I cant tell my parents anything about my boyfriend. I have tried to explain to my parents before when they had gotten me engaged to the first guy. I sat down and had a talk with them and cried in front of them for hours. But they didn’t understand then. Then how are they going to understand now. And even when I had come back home they didn’t wait for me to fix myself up, but had sent me to India to choose a guy. They will never understand.

Yes i do want to live my own life. Even tho now they don’t let me work. I have no money at all. I know that if I do leave. I have nothing with me. From leaving the house last time I have found out who is really supporting me and who isn’t. All my family members are disappointed with me.

I cant tell anyone even “my fiance” I have never talked to him. Wouldn’t i just tell everyone that i don’t want to get married just by leaving again???

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I can only help you if you want the help — not just the attention. 😳 You have to stop coming up with excuses and change your own behavior. If you don’t, you can’t expect your life to change. 😉 Here are some points from your last post, where you can choose to change your behavior — or make yourself a victim. The choice is yours! But if you choose to be a victim, it’s not fair for you to just complain. 😕

[quote]I cant be honest to my parents, because if my parents find out that i have been seeing my boyfriend, we are not going to have a talk. It is going to get violent.[/quote]

If your parents are going to become violent with you, then call the police and leave. There is no reason in the world for you to be in this situation. 🙁

[quote]My dad has tried to file complaints on my boyfriend before. I don’t want any of that to happen again.[/quote]

“Tried” to? It sounds like he didn’t. Don’t create drama where there is none. 😮

[quote]They will never understand.[/quote]

If your parents will never understand, then accept that. Not everybody in life is going to understand or agree with you. That’s life — you can’t control it. Stop trying to control your parents. Telling lies is a way of trying to control people. This is a good place for you to make a change. 😉

[quote]Yes i do want to live my own life. Even tho now they don’t let me work. I have no money at all. I know that if I do leave. I have nothing with me.[/quote]

Get a job! If you have an income, you will have resources to help yourself.

[quote]I cant tell anyone even “my fiance” I have never talked to him.[/quote]

You say you can’t, but you’re just making excuses again. Of course you can tell your fiancé! You just don’t want to, so you’re not going to because it’s uncomfortable for you, and you’re trying to control that relationship, too. Tell him. It’s not fair for you to victimize him by keeping him in the dark. 😳

[quote]Wouldn’t i just tell everyone that i don’t want to get married just by leaving again???[/quote]

Not really. It’s cowardly, and you’ve done it before, and it’s becoming part of your pattern. It’s time for you to grow up! This big problem is actually an opportunity for you to forge a better life for yourself. 😉

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