[spittenger]

My wife thinks that I have been a bad husband. This is a new claim from her in the last 3 months. Never before that did she ever have a harsh word for me. Even in the midst of arguments in our 4.5 year marriage did she ever say the kinds of things she says now. I am not sure about her claim. Best I have been able to figure so far is that she thinks I have not been who I really am with her. I believe she thinks I am nothing like she thought I was when we got married. It seems that she believes that I really am a liar, a controller, and an abuser. She won’t give me any examples of the things that she has determined demonstrate these characteristics, so I am left scratching my head and trying to make it all better. My nature is to try to make it better. Thus far, my accounting has been that I have been supportive when she has wanted to try new things, financed and encouraged the businesses she’s sought to start, I listened to her pain when she could not find who her real father is or where he is, I stood by and supported her through a serious pain pill addiction, never alienating her from her children or our life together. I have held her in my arms in times of her distress, told her I would be there for her, and was. I did work a lot, to provide the finances for us to survive, not to be rich, just to survive, and so she wouldn’t have to work and could stay home with our youngest daughter. I never expected praise, but my wife gave it to me anyway. She really took care of me and loved on me a lot. She seemed to have difficulty in regular housework, but I never questioned her, and at times would gather the entire laundry and take it to a laundromat and do it. Always my heart was to bless her and take care of her, because I loved her. She asked that I would stop working at 6PM and so I changed my work habits to accommodate her desire. She asked if we could move. We moved. Now, she has left me, and says that I have been a controlling and deceitful husband. She says I was not what I seemed. I do not understand this. And she wont tell me what I should or could do to make it right for her. It seems to me, now, that she really just doesn’t want to be married to me and is looking for a reason not to be. We have sat down with spiritual guides that have attempted to reunite us. It seemed to help briefly but then snapped back. I have admitted that at times of hurt I have said hurtful things. She too said some pretty hurtful things. I did however walk away from many arguments that she was attempting to start. She would later account of these things to our friends as though I was the initiator of the conflict. She has recently proclaimed that she was sick when she married me, and now that she is well she can see my true colors. What are those colors, and why does she think those are my true colors? I don’t have answers to these questions. What should I do that would improve this situation that our marriage might survive? Is there any hope for her and I? I love her and want only her happiness. Even if it means without me. I just wish she would let me know, that is what she wants so I don’t have to have this broken heart one more day longer than it will take to heal. She leaves clues that she still loves me, but she also says the opposite too. Someone please say something that might encourage me.

[Ask April Masini]

It takes more than love to make a marriage and a family work. Your wife may very well love you, but she doesn’t want to be married. It takes two people to get married and only one person to make a marriage fail. She’s pulled the nuclear option and left you.

From your post you know EXACTLY what is happening, but you’re disappointed. That is more than understandable. It’s expected. But to get a better handle on your situation you need to take a few steps back and see the relationship from a greater perspective. I hope I can help you do that. 🙂

It sounds like your wife has taken you on a wild ride with her chaotic behavior and demands — pill addiction, wanting to move, wanting your hours to change, etc. And you did everything she asked. That was the problem. She was looking for chaos and you were making things neat by solving the problems she presented. So now, she’s presented one she’s made sure you can’t solve. She’s told you you’re a bad husband and she’s given no examples of how you’ve been bad. The reality is she doesn’t want you to solve this problem. She wants to live in chaos and she may not be happy in it, but it’s what she’s used to.

I know you want her to be happy, but that’s her responsibility. Your responsibility is to be a good husband, father and human being — and sometimes that means letting go. I know you want encouragement, and if her coming back to you is what you want to hear about, I think that due to her chaotic nature, she will be back — and then she’ll create some more chaos, etc. — unless and until she gets PERSONAL HELP.

What you can do is to take inventory of what you need in your life to be happy and healthy and do that, but also know what is not yours to solve and tell her that you love her, but she needs to find a way to be okay in a normal life if she wants to be with you. The one thing you haven’t done in all these years is tell her what HER responsibility is in the relationship. Try that. It’s going to be hard medicine for her to hear, but it’s her only way out of her dysfunctional spiral.

I hope that helps and that you’ll let me know how things go. Follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

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